Interesting Theory

“There are dreamers and there are realist in this world. You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realist would find the realist but…more often then not, the opposite is true. You see the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists… well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.”

—	Cameron, Modern Family (Episode: Punkin Chunkin)

Out of My Head

First I want to thank Mickey for this http://blissfullysubmissive.blogspot.ca/2013/12/undelete.html ... she got me thinking (oh no!)

Why do I write a blog?

I first discovered blog land in the initial stages of my D/s with FormerD ... it was a great place to learn about this lifestyle, instead of from the countless "porn" sites out there. And when my relationship ended, it was here that I turned to, and from the advice of a very wise man ... sent me down my path.

It's been an "interesting" journey so far. Most of it I have spent alone. And that's not such a bad thing.

But I digress, I think I shall leave the reflections for another post.

So why do I blog & why here?

Basically, it's the one place I can get all the jumbled thoughts out of my head & down on "paper" so to speak.

It does give me clarity and has "forced" me to be very honest with myself.

I do not write for the enjoyment of others, or for validation or acceptance ... I don't know, maybe they are bi-products?

I am still always so amazed & surprised, that people even read my blog. And utterly Gobsmacked by the show of support & encouragement by all those who comment. It is an important part of any bloggers life, I believe, whether we (me) admit it or not.

But it is not why I write.

I often wonder, where I would be if I hadn't had the courage (desperation) to write that email to that wise man way back in April, when I was sinking so deep into the Abyss of not knowing what the hells I was doing. I would probably be back ... locked safely behind those walls, wondering why my vanilla "sex" life sucks so much.

I write because it helps me. This is the one & only place where I can be totally honest, without fear of reprisals (even though I do get them occasionally - probably well deserved too). It's a rare gift, for me at least, to have this blog.

I am grateful. Grateful that I have this blog & I am grateful that you all follow me & offer your unwavering support. And yes that includes my lurker in Russia who has been a constant visitor for over a week now! Thank you .. maybe you will stop by & say hello? No? That's okay too .. just know you are welcome here.

I am also grateful to be able to read about everybody else's lives too . To be allowed into your lives, in some small way, has been wonderful & I have learned lots thru you all.

Mickey ... I am glad that you decided to undelete. Not only because I would miss you but also because you are inspiring to me as well!!!

Hibernating

I have been hibernating much of the Christmas season.

When I was not working, nor spending time with my family .. I have been in bed, and not in a fun way.

I want to thank those who posted their concerns from my last post.

I am surviving (it's what I do). I have been very ill, but hopefully the worst is over now. I went to work yesterday & even managed to stay up past 8pm last night! Whoo Hoo!  I have not had another fainting episode, thank goodness, but I have been dizzy alot. Yes, Fondles .. I AM eating (as best I can), ... and no booze (I am not really a drinker anyway).

It's a bad FibroFlare ... probably the worst I have ever been thru. Lots & lots of sleep and lots of drugs. Heh .. I am dreaming of a foggy Christmas. *giggles*

Anyway, hopefully I am on the mend. The new year will see lots of Dr's appointments & specialists visits ... always so much fun to look forward to.

I hope you all had a great Christmas. Despite feeling like ... well, not me, I had a nice & quiet one myself, Just what the doctor ordered! ;)

I so HATE New Year's Eve ... just an excuse for people to go out & get stupid, so I do not have to worry about making or cancelling any plans for THAT night. I bought myself the new Wii U with some Christmas money (my wii died) so I am sure I will be curled up and happily masters whatever universe I will be playing in at the time.

So Happy New Year's to the rest of you & I hope Santa was good to you.

xoxoxo

*sighs* Always an Adventure

I just got home from the emergency room.

I fainted at work today.

All I remember was walking down the hall with my boss ... Then ... Well I don't know what happened.  I was lying on the floor. I don't think I was out for too long though.

I AM fine .. Well, no worse than I have all day but whatever. And no worse than any other time.

I have never fainted before tho. It was weird.

Hitler (my boss) insisted that I go to emerg. He even drove me.

*sighs*

That was 4 hours of my life wasted.

They are not sure what happened. Maybe it was the medication and the fact that I have not been sleeping well ... maybe it was "just the fibro" (if I had a nickel for everytime I have been told that!!!) .. either way ...

"Oh well, we can't do anything about THAT. Go home & rest"

Yeah.

Fun.

Life resumes.

I am just nicely settled in at home. I ate .. I bathed ... I am in my jammies ... now I just have to tie up a few loose ends & go to bed.  I have a nasty headache.

That's life in the fast lane for ya!

BLARG!

Christmas is a pretty quiet affair this year.

I am off work tomorrow at noon, spending Christmas & Boxing Day with family & then back to work on Thursday.

I am acting supervisor for the next 2 weeks so the extra pay is a nice Christmas bonus.

Today I have to spend the day training a new person. Who hires somebody on the 23rd of December.

Tomorrow, we have a "breakfast meeting" and not much else. We should close down shop at noon at the very latest.

Most of my social gatherings seem to be happening after Christmas .. not sure how that worked out the way it did but whatever.

I am sick too. I saw the signs starting on Saturday. I am in the throws of a huge FibroFlare. YAY! All I can say really is that there is not one single part of me that ISN'T screaming out in agony rignt now. *sighs* It's time to break out the heavy duty meds & literally be stoned for the unforeseeable future.

If I could crawl under my bed & just stay there til May .... that would be the best Christmas present ever.

On the plus side ...

I am having coffee with SafeD after work .... we are hoping to be able to finally plan a "session" during the Christmas break ... hmmmm, if I can handle it :(

I have never played thru a really bad flare before although FormerD & I did play during one particular nasty spell ... hmmmm .............  time will tell, I suppose

BORED

It's a lazy Sunday morning routine.

Lying in bed, drinking coffee .. watching the Sunday morning Coronation Street marathon (2 1/2 hours, 5 episodes).

I am bored & lazy.

So I grab knickers, the vibe, and my wand. And start to masturbate.

I am not even motivated to cum. I could lie around like this for hours ... just enjoying the sensations of being filled and my clit being teased.

Edging but not going over the edge.

Just bored and lazy.

MY New "Normal"

I know I know … I said “normal” (I will go wash my mouth out with soap after I finish writing this) … I should say My New Reality but MEH …

My life has changed. I have changed. I do not look at things the same way anymore.  I do not feel the same way anymore.

I have tried many times to explain this before, but it’s too big and I just do not have the words.  There is always something that I forgot to add, or maybe I didn’t “see”, or I definitely could have said better.  And I just really don’t know how to express everything that is swirling around inside of me.  I don’t think that I even understand any of it myself.

All I do know is that I am MORE ME now I have ever been in my life. I do not know if this is a good thing or not.  It’s like the walls have crumbled and I never even noticed!!!  Have I been set free??????????

Sometimes, I am like “I am KITTIE!!!! HEAR ME ROAR!”

Sometimes, I truly feel I am going crazy .. Well I already am crazy, but what I mean is completely INSANE!!!! (HS .. keep THAT room reserved for me, please!!!)

AND 100 PERCENT of the time, I have no fucking idea, what I am doing!!!

It’s been empowering and more than a little scary!!!

I don’t seem to have a filter anymore. I say what I mean and mean what I say … even if it hurts or more often then not, I say it in a totally fucked up manner.

I have become an attention whore … mostly on tumblr and email. I NEED to have somebody to talk to … it’s like I cannot stand the silence anymore. If I am having a “quiet day” .. it’s almost like anxiety is setting in & I start crawling out of my own skin.

I have become obstinate and more stubborn than I ever thought possible. Time has not dampened my feelings .. if only the more time that goes by, the more I believe! I am not sure at all that this is entirely healthy (understatement of the year) but again .. I cannot seem to help myself.  It IS bigger than me … or at least my feeble comprehensions.

And thru it all … those fucking demons are there, far in the background, goading me.  

“you’re a loser”

“you don’t deserve to be happy”

“you will never be good enough”

Most of the time, I do squash these down but they are always there … some things will NEVER change. They like to kick me when I am down!

So yeah … that’s just a bit of what is flying around in my head … 100% of the time.

Mostly I am liking my new reality but it seems to be a roller coaster at the moment. Insane highs followed by immediate, insane lows and then back up again. Regrets, thrills, honesty, profound sadness, profound happiness, anger, stupidity, humour, sassiness, bravery, fear  …. All clamouring to get out .. at the same time.

FUN!!!

And that concludes my latest attempt to try to explain (figure out) WTF I am. I thank you for your continued patience & kind words.

ADDENDUM:

(((AND just because it NEEDS saying (I NEED TO SAY IT) …..

My Batman was NEVER a jerk to me. Not once!! He was(is) the most amazing Dom (retired), somebody I could lean on, to laugh with, he was (and always will be, in spirit anyway) a great friend,  and fellow geek. As My Dom he really inspired me to open my mind & be as pleasing as I could possibly be. And as his sub (he told me), that I was his muse & together we went places neither had ever been before!  Nobody WILL ever “get me” like he did.  NOT ONCE, did he ever do or say anything even remotely jerky towards me … it’s too bad that I cannot say the same thing.   He really let me be ME .. the good, the bad & the ugly, and was always patient, encouraging and understanding.  He just had a choice he had to make & he made it. You can’t fault a person for that. I may not like it (or agree with it) but that is NOT his fault.  All my shit, is just that … mine)))   <3

(I just don’t want anybody ever thinking badly of him because I don’t …  not ever – thank you!)

One Year Ago Today

Today mark the one year anniversary of a trip of a lifetime. One year ago today, my Brat, his mom,  her friend & I, left for a fantastic 10 day trip to Maui. ...

It also marks the start of my journey down this rabbit hole. Let's just say that I saw the opening for the first time while in Hawaii .... it's when I first started talking to Mr Experience. 

It's amazing what a year can bring!!!!

... excuse me while I now go dress like the Staypuff Marshmellow man & journey out into this ummmm, "Winter Wonderland"    ... it's fucking freezing! *sighs*

Happy Hump Day everybody!! 

Just because it's been bugging me!! (And I have no filter!)

"Don't worry about me, I am a much secure and better (thank you) sub now " ...

You do NOT EVER get to thank me for this!!!

Talk about adding insult to injury! :'(

... Just sayin'

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear to my Gods if I hear, one more time ... "Are you sure your not a Domme? You would be an excellent Domme, .. you SHOULD be a Domme!" I will physically go beyond "being a Domme" and physically fucking hurt someone! Seriously.

I, for the record, HATE Dommes. I think they are disgusting .. true story. And they scare the pants off me too. I could never be subjected to their special brand of humiliation nor COULD I ever do the stuff they do, to another living soul. I am sorry if that offends anybody, but I am just being honest

I have lived my life, as a single, independent woman, working in a very male dominated environment. I have always had to pay my own way & alot of times, in the military, have had to go above & beyond what most males do just to prove that I had just as much right to be there as my male counterparts did.

I have lived like this, because I have never had anybody to rely on before .. never. And I learned a long time ago to not rely on anybody else. I am strong & I am independent. I would not ask anything from anybody .. even if I were lying in the gutter!

But does this make me a Domme? I should hope not. The very thought of it sickens me.

I have had to be strong my whole life .. not so much because I wanted to but because I had to. It's has only been this past year that my submissiveness has been awaken. It has been a huge learning curve. And I am sure that if there ever comes a point that I will be in a 24/7 relationship that I will struggle with letting go of many Independence/trust issues.

I hardly think that makes me a Domme. I find the very thought a complete insult!!!

*jumps off her soapbox ... kicks it away - stubbing her toe in the process* and proceeds very grumpily into Monday morning!!

BAH HUMBUG!

Vanilla Gelato with LOTS of sprinkles

So when you least expect it ... something comes into your life, that takes you by surprise. Those are the best kind of surprises. I know it took both My Batman & I by surprise when it happened to us. 

It's happening again. I don't know what to make of it. 

I reblogged a picture on tumblr a couple of weeks ago ... just a cute little funny picture, nothing dirty or anything like that .... 

Cute right? It made me giggle. Next thing I know .. the owner of the blog sent me "an ask" & a friendship was born! 

We really enjoy each other's company. I never even considered him ... he needs a name ... Oooh I know, Mr Hockey .. as anything other than a friend. He makes me laugh ... but he is vanilla ... and I don't do vanilla anymore .. right???

He is 35 & plays hockey. Being the good Canadian rink rat girl I am ... this has great appeal to me. Of course I grew up with hockey .. my brother played & my dad coached. I lived it. And I loved hockey players ... they have a mindset on to their own. And locker rooms ... what is it with sweaty hockey players??? O.o 

Hockey players are the only types of jocks I could ever tolerate! 

And what else .. he is Italian .. makes no difference to me, what a person is, nationality, race or otherwise .. but apparently it means something to him so I just threw that out there. 

He lives in Toronto ... about a 4 hour car ride away (I trek there twice a year for conventions - hey did I just say trek - as in Star trek - ewww gross!). But it's the same province so hopefully he won't think I live in Siberia either!!!

But it's Toronto! Home of the Maple Leafs ... I am a Ottawa Senator's girl ... hometown for the win! Oh the RIVALRY is on!!! 

BeLEAFers & the Sens Army. We HATE each other. 

It makes for some interesting betting .. well so far anyway.  ;)   We played each other (the hockey teams) last Saturday. Leafs won in a shoot out! GRRRRR!!! Good thing Mr Hockey didn't get his bet in, in time! ;) 

It's kind of like the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry .... only better, you know, cuz it's hockey and not boring assed baseball!!!! 

So it's all so perfect right??? Of course not ... when is anything perfect? What fun would that be anyway? 

He knows I am a submissive and I am living this lifestyle. Of course he knows .. he found me on tumblr. Mr Hockey knows NOTHING about this lifestyle. Question is do I want to teach him? He says he wants to learn. But I wonder. 

We did experiment a little bit. I wanted to test the waters so to speak. To see if he has what it takes. And while it was pretty vanilla (especially after my own selfie experience the other night), but he didn't do too badly .. for a Saturday morning. He understood my encouragement about directing me. He really liked it when I called him Sir & it ended with mutual satisfaction. 

There's hope there I think. I just need to get him to do some reading & researching. But we have potential. 

I would say that Mr Hockey was feeling his "Dominance" 

And before he left for work last night ... he got an unexpected visitor & I got this ....

Cut into my masturbating time with my pet :(

Now .. how cute is that??? 

... we shall see. 

Fighting Urges!

I was proud yesterday.

I did not go on your blog at all!!!

Today, not so much ...

I did peek this morning but I did NOT read ... I will never read. I MUST NOT READ!

 I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!

Hopefully, I will eventually win this war I wage, to fill the need to go there at all. It's like an addiction that I cannot help ... but I will WIN! I have to.

But it is so hard ...

The pull is so strong!

*sighs*

Self-Inflicted Selfie! OH MY!!

Wow! I don't know why I never thought of this before!! Slow on the uptake I guess?

That post on selfies, the one that literally wrote itself (really I had no idea that it would turn out like that), got me ... ummm, wondering. 

So last night, I played & I played hard. I took what I had learnt, what I was taught & I ran with it. *blushes*

I took out my implements of pleasure(pain) and laid them out on the bed. Clamps, my paddle (no hair brush here), wand & Knickers, my wicked vibrator. 

I laid down, in nothing but a pair of silky leopard print, black & white lacy panties. I was contemplating the what & how, while exploring my body. Hmmm, where to start. 

I grabbed the 2 clamps (chip bag clips I had been directed to buy) and I clamped my nipples. Oooo! It has been awhile & it hurt - it hurt real good ... all the way down to that tuning fork between my legs! With one hand I tested the clamps ... flicking them & pulling them, letting the pain surge forth. With my other hand I started rubbing my pussy - not to get off - I was no where near ready for that. But oh I was wet, wetter than I had been in a long time. Then I did it ...

*SLAP* I slapped my cunt ... HARD! OH MY!!! *gush* ... The sensation was incredible ... Do it again! My clamped nipples jumped for joy! Over & over again ... At least a dozen hard slaps, mixed with gentle fingers to sooth the sting! My whole body was singing by this time ... So alive! I swear, much more of that. I would cum! 

But I wanted more. My nipple were begging to be released from there sweet torture so I removed the clamps & then I remembered ...

I gingerly clamped one of my pussy lips & waited to see if I could handle it. It actually hurt far less than on my nipples. GOOD! I attached the other one to the other side. They are rather big clips and the y don't leave a lot of ... ummm, room. But it's fun to flick them as they klink together. But I was getting kinda (kinda?!?!?) worked up by then ... Shizzle just got real!!!!

I grabbed Knickers & inserted between the two clamps & set it to pulse! And then set the wand to the ends of the clamps, to vibrate them. That was it! I was sent over the edge, within minutes! I actually yelled out when I came!! It was amazing ... Better than it had in months! I didn't even touch my clit! 

But I was not done.Oh no, oh no! The the little pain slut wanted more! NEEDED MORE! 

So I rearranged myself, while still coming down of that high. I grabbed my 2 pillows and put them in the middle of the bed. I put my wand inside of the top pillow.  I re-clamped my nipples and laid down ... ass up (on the pillows), head down & ready to rumble. I turned my wand on so it was pulsing nicely just below my clit, ensured to stay in place in the confines of the pillow. I then re-inserted knickers deep inside of me ... I was beyond wet. Next I grabbed my paddle & smacked my own uplifted ass. Oooo!!!! I NEEDED THAT!  The sting of the leather while grinding my pussy into my pulsating pillows, clamped nipples being crushed into the bed! HEAVENS!!!! I lost count at about 25 smacks. I was getting kind of frustrating because the paddle seems to favour only the one side of my butt, so I threw it away & starting using my hands. My hands are kind of mean, I must say!!! Oooo the sting & heat! But with every smack on my burning ass, there was a surge of heat gushing from within. I would grind my clit ever deeper into the pillow and onto the wand. I didn't even have to touch Knickers .. just the feeling of fullness pulsing deep within was all I needed. 

FUCK! It did not take me too long before I was gushing. The force in which I squirted literally shot Knickers right out of my body! O.O and I did scream when I came .. it was so intense. My whole body shook with it! 

WOW! 

I seriously don't know why I didn't think of doing this before. I had been directed in the same ways, on numerous occasions before, but it wasn't until I made that post on selfies did I ever even think  that I didn't need a Dom to direct me. 

Hmmm, maybe I will never need another Dom??? NAH, I would (and do) miss the mind fuckery, the aftercare, the validation (aka good girl). Besides, two is twice as nice .. right??? 

Get A Load of This!!!!!

So earlier today I had to talk my bestie (not my Brat though, this is my girlie bestie) off the ledge yet again. She is in a rather intense (still newish) relationship that has her all fluttery & nervous & scared all of the time.

Anyway, long story short (I know, right?), I talked her down & everything is sunshine & roses again!

She: "Thanks kittie, you give the best advice!"

Me: "your welcome bebe, anytime"

She: "Ooo you should write an advice column!!!!"

Me: WTF!!!

She: "Really it would be so AWESOME SAUCE"

Me: "Yeah, I can see the header now....

HAVE THE BEST RELATIONSHIP, EVER!!! JUST ASK ME

by 

MISS PERPETUALLY ALONE" 

.. honestly *rolls eyes*

btw ... yes this is my attempt at humour! ;)

Selfies!

Selfies!

No this is not about self portraits (thank Gods) ... Wait!!! This might be worse!

In all my lamenting about My Batman, I never really got into the nitty gritty of the epic adventure that was us.

Because of the nature of our relationship, which was 100% thru email ... No chat, no skype, no nothing - just email (what can I say? It just worked for us), we had to rely a lot on our imagination.

Anyway, I has never done the LDR before. I had always thought I couldn't do it because it would be too weird.... I was wrong. Right from that very first command:

"I think I want you to take a stocking from your drawer and gag yourself with it...next I want you to strip naked...then you may put any boots on of your choice...once you do that take a hairbrush and give yourself 30 strokes on your ass...I want you to count each one as you give them..I want you to hear your gagged voice.  Once you have finished...lie in bed...keep the gag on...you may play with your pussy.   I will be back in 20 minutes...You may ungag yourself once I contact you again."

O.O *blink blink*

... It was very real to me (us). It was as if He was right there with me and throughout our time together, thru daily tasks and rituals, commands, reports, punishments, non-play time, and just being us, I (we) learned to be very specific in describing experiences, feelings, sensations etc. You kind of have to learn, when words are all you've got. But it was very real .. More real than the words written on a computer screen.

I must say though it is VERY difficult to ask for permission to cum, when you are soooo ready & you have to try to type it out on your iPhone & then wait for the response via email - especially when the answer is "Beg for it, pet!" *GROANS*
The typos & autocorrect had a healthy role in those particular moments too ... Right Mommy?!?!? *giggles*

If there was anything lacking, it would have to be aftercare. Not that it wasn't there & it wasn't good because that is not the case at all. But after one particularly difficult "session" that had me using my safe word (it was meant to push me past my boundaries & it did) and left me in tears & very vulnerable, I NEEDED Him to be physically there. I wanted nothing more in those moments to curl up & let Him completely engulf me. He knew this though & we made do the best we could.

Oops!

There was a whole point to this post!!!

The point being that thru my time with My Batman, I learned the art of the selfie ... Ok I totally made that word my own! But I like it so :P

~~~~
gk's new definition of the selfie:

Masturbation, self-bondage, self-beating, self-nipple torture, self-gagging ... Get the picture? - no figging though! If He wanted that particular gem, I told Him, He would have to come here & do it Himself!! ;)

~~~~

Sure, My Batman, may have directed me to put toothpaste on my clit & have me use my wand until I would beg to have a firery orgasm .. Ultimately it was me doing it to me. Yes it does take a leap of faith (on both sides) because really how easy would it be to fake or simulate doing what you are directed to do? It was my conscious decision to submit to Him every time. To snap elastic against my skin, to crawl on my hands & feet over to my water dish for a drink of water before bed. To sleep with ankles cuffed & chained together - *giggles* klutzy only ever tripped out of bed once - YAY me!

I grew from each selfie experience. And it was so difficult (near impossible) in the beginning to even just flat out masterbate once My Batman was gone. Selfies were so connected to Him, that I couldn't even bring myself to touch myself, in for what seemed like forever. When I finally FORCED myself to masterbate - oh how I cried! But I did it & I slowly regained possession of my selfies.

Oh my goodness!

Another long post. It was not my intention to make this post into this ... It just kinda took on a mind of it's own ... *giggles* apparently it needed to be said.

My post was supposed to be about the selfie I had last night. I played for the first time last night .. I mean played! Nipple clamps, hair brush, vibrator, wand etc etc. another first without My Batman.

.... And it was good!

Just cuz ........

Just some fun at PopExpo this past weekend. 

WORD! 

Taking my pet Jedi out for a walk!!! 

Me & My Brat (isn't he cute????) 

Peek - a - Boo (or as I like to think ... trying NOT to suffocate) 

THANK YOU!!!!

I know that was very difficult but I am very PROUD of you!! 

Relentless??? Me????? *giggles*

Honestly, would you expect anything less? Geez .... :P 

So.... 

THANK YOU SIR!!!!

That meant so much to me!!! And I will treasure both of them (destruction of computer is imminent as promised!) :P 

BE HAPPY! *sighs* 

Always 

your kittie

PS .. It's comforting to know you are still lurking on my tumblr (although I have always suspected) .. I have left you a little present ...... just sayin' :P 

 

HEY! ... What's with the Star Wars, Dork?

This is my 100th post!! 

I know right?  That's a lot of psycho babble! O.o

I wanted to write something fun or special, so I have been contemplating for a couple of days! What to write, what to write? I really liked the post Chickie put up the other day ... The 5 facts (7 facts?) about you ... from Facebook

I started thinking about it but really wasn't getting any joy. Then it hit me ... Star Wars. Ok ok, stop rolling your eyes! I see you! I am all about the Star Wars

Star Wars is my life. I know that sounds so weird, doesn't it? .I have always loved it though, since the moment Ep 1V (aka the first movie) came out & my dad & I went to see it at the theatre. I have been hooked since.

But it was not until 2 years ago when it really began to take over my life.

I joined a group, I will call it the Star Wars Guys (we actually get that alot "HEY! Star Wars Guys! How YOU doin'"  .. definitely giggle worthy. I do not use the real name as I do not want to out it in a sex blog ... so if you know the organization I am talking about SHHHHHHH, it's a secret

So we are cosplayers. Those people who dress like their favourite characters from comics, movies, TV, Amie .. you name it & there will be somebody dressed in it - oooo, an aside, I saw the BEST Toothless (How to Train Your Dragon) cosplay this past August in Toronto - she was brilliant!!!

Chewie & Vader having a chat with Wil Wheaton at Ottawa Comic Con 2013 

*coughs* The only difference with the Star Wars Guys, is that we do it for charity. Children's charities mostly. Our favourite here is the Make-a-Wish Foundation. And 100% of any money we collect thru our photobooth, blaster ranges (shoot a Storm Trooper with nerf guns), raffles etc. We keep nothing and we make nothing. I am very proud of the fact that this year alone I have had a personal hand in raising about $33,000 for Make-a-Wish ... that's 3 wishes for sick kids!

Actually, we are international AND sanctioned by LucasArts (yeah yeah I know aka Disney) and by the Maker himself! Remember when Lucas was the parade marshal for the Rose Bowl parade - probably 10 years ago. Anyway, his car was surrounded by Storm Troopers .. all members of the Star Wars Guys. And we are a brotherhood. Here in Ottawa we have about 33 active members & another 10 working to get costumes approved so they can get in official. We are a big family. That's how my Brat & I became besties. And it doesn't matter I have made friends thoughout Canada, the States & beyond! It's really nice to know that no matter where you go, you have friends there.

So because we are sanctioned, our costumes have to be movie quality.Seriously, ... it's the challenge of getting accepted in the SWG. And it ain't easy .. there are forums, and tutorials, and promulated costume standards for each character that somebody wants to cosplay. And trust me the Star Wars universe is HUGE ... way beyond the movies. There are literally thousands of characters. We make our own costumes (or have somebody make them for us). Storm Trooper armour, Darth Vader ... not cheap. We even have a couple of wookies & C-3PO. I know my Jedi robes (which Carrie Fisher absolutely loved when I got her autograph in Toronto), is one of the cheaper costumes to make, ran about $300. Some costumes run in the thousands of dollars range.

The worst thing about this though is it's addictive. Once you have that first costume almost ready, you are already planning costume 2, & 3 and have 4 and beyond taking root in your head!

We actually did buy that Vader (it's sitting in my living room) at an event at Toy-r-Us

On a personal level, it has really freed me and let me find my inner, I was going to say geek but no that's not right ... I found ME. And this me ... who cannot STAND getting her pictures taken - HATES IT SO MUCH - will go stand in from of the Death Star back drop & pose for pictures for HOURS. Will ham for the camera ... work it .. whatever, I just let the character take over ... I still hate looking at myself in these pictures but I love doiing. *sighs* there are literally hundreds of pictures of me circulating on Facebook! O.o

David Prowse (the Darth Vader & my "boyfriend") visiting our booth at comic con. That R2 was hand built by a friend of mind and it's remote controlled - yes he talks too! ... people always think it's the real deal. 

This is NOT what it looks like. We were hamming it up at our photo booth. Neither "Chewie" or I even realized what this shot looked like .. until a friend saw it on Facebook & asked if I was into giving wookie head! o.O 

Meeting the children & their parents, is the main reason I go out. Its so much fun watching grown men & women squeal like little kids when they see Vader or Chewie, Storm Troopers etc for the first time! And they go absolutely ga ga if I let them hold my lightsaber for the picture. But the absolute best is when a little kid, who has been soooooo excited to come see, Darth Vader but never realized how big & scary he actually is, and is too scared to go up & see the one "person" he really wanted to see. That's my job! There is nothing more gratifying for me, to be able to talk to this little one, (I am a safe & friendly Jedi after all), and convince him that Vader is not going to force choke him or hurt him & that yeah, maybe if we go together - Yes I will hold your hand - and give Vader a fist pump & get a picture. It's the best feeling in the world, to help a child get over their fear & get them to do the one thing they really wanted to do in the first place.

This is not the real C-3P0 ... this is Michel & he made this costume. He is in there! Now that is dedication .. they actually have to bolt his "bucket" on!!! (It takes up to 4 people to dress him & it takes about 40 mins to get into it and the same in reverse!) 

So yup, when I say Star Wars is pretty much my life ... I ain't talking about collecting the movies & a few trinkets. And now I am off to get ready ... I am "trooping" at a press conference at noon hour today ... I hear Brett "the Hitman" Hart is going to be there. And then it's off to set up our booth for the mini-comic con happening this weekend. No Star Wars guests are going to be there ... BUT DRAKO MALFOY will be *SQUEEEE*  (see I can like other stuff too)  

May the Force be with You!! ;) 

Don't Mean to be Rude But .....

Why can't people just believe you mean what you say?

I just received another email from the CSM.

I like the guy & all but that ship has sailed.

He basically asked me if I was "FINALLY, getting back in the groove, yet" ... again (and again, and again) ... geez, take a hint!

"I was in your neck of the woods the other day (with his wife) and remembered that time I came over."

That's nice. *shrug*

I have told him repeatedly (in the nicest ways possible) that regardless of whether I am "back in the groove" or not, that I was not interested in a repeat performance.

He is a very nice man. But logistically speaking, it's just not doable. In order to "play" with him, I would have to either take time off work or call in sick. The only way he can arrange to "play" with me, is to "pretend" to have an appointment and sneak away from work for a couple of hours. He is military & can do that. I get that .. I use to do that when I was in the military too (not for those reasons but still). Now it's just too difficult, especially cuz I work for Hitler.

But any other time is "impossible" because his wife "keeps him on a very short leash" .. aww, poor lamb. He is not happy. *shrug*

If you are not happy with your life but are unwilling to do anything about it ... well, I am sorry but that is just not my problem.

*sighs*

Venting done. I just have to find a way to tactfully tell him to fuck off ... errr, no, to tell him that, Oh yes, I have found my groove but sorry, you are not going to be a part of it.

Tactful .. must think tactful!   ... I can do tactful.

;)

The Bestest Brat Ever!!!!

We speat the afternoon rehearsing "A Sithmas Carol" for next weekends "PopExpo" (mini Ottawa ComicCon) Star Wars kids hour. (I play an ewok - a dramatic stretch for sure!!)

But when the Brat took me home .... he gave me a bag. "Early Christmas presents!!!"

He knows me well!!! 

But honestly ... aren't they AWESOME!!! I am still *SQUEEEEEEEE*   :D  

Just what the Doctor brat ordered! (I needed a little pick me up today) ;) 

I didn't even know they existed .. it's not very often one of my friends can best me when it comes to Star Wars collectiing!!!

*doing ewok happy dance* 

<3

The Things I Couldn't Say

Thank you so much for your email today. I was only 99.9% sure that you would respond back. ;)

And thank you for accepting my apology. Of course I accept yours as well.

It took every once of will power I had,  NOT to respond to your email today .. I figured I would let you have the last word for a change. *giggles*

And really ... what would be the point.

I know you wish we could be friends. Gods knows, I miss just being able to talk to you, soooooo much. But we both know, it would never be enough .. not for you and certainly not for me.

There are just a few more things I need to say.

All that guilt that you felt, was because you spent every waking moment with me, and thinking about me, even when you were "away". Not because you were dividing your time, compartmentalizing or whatever you want to call it. It was because you wanted it that way ... just as I did. That connection ... so strong. You felt guilty because it was me that consumed you. ME! Nobody else & that is the real reason you felt so guilty.  Just admit it, if only to yourself.

But I know it was all too much for you ... too overwhelming. Me & my crazy life. It would make anybody run for the hills. I do understand why you would not/COULD NOT,  want to take that risk. I do not bring balance to the force. We were a supernova but we DID not fizzle out ... snuffed is the proper term & you know that as well! So much upheaval to your life!

It was too much to ask, to hope for, especially for somebody who has his life organized, ordered, settled, to expect to be able to accept the chaos that is me. My poor corporate shark ... I am a whirlwind to be sure, but I know that that was what you loved too & it scared the hell out of you!

But oh it would have been so good. I have seen it! I have dreamt it ... dreams so real, I could almost taste them ... see you, which is a feat in itself, my faceless Dom.

*sighs* It's what I regret most of all  ... the "what could have been".

I do not blame you nor have I ever, not even at my angriest, or hurtiest points. I know that this decision hurt you as well. I know I have been very obstinate and I DO still mean absolutely everything I told you in September and I DO still KNOW that I am absolutely right as well. I don't know why I know or how I know .. I JUST KNOW!

Heh! This coming from the shy, and insecure girl that can't even look at herself in the mirror. You have changed me forever. I know what I know and I would fight til the death arguing it too. I have never been like this before.  Not with anybody else ever. To be quite honest, it's been a little scary.. I don't know what to say. I guess you are just worth fighting for. *shrug* ... I don't really understand it other than than, I am just going by my instincts. And every instinct has screamed THIS IS WHAT'S right. *shrug*

I have never cried so much in my life. Weeks of crying, every day. I couldn't even masturbate for a long time, I was so tied to you and the first time I did ... I cried, but I took it back from you, I had to. I cried all Tuesday night. I cried today after your email .. and yes I am crying now. I know ... it's weird but I just can't help it. I don't know .. maybe I will always cry over you. But that's okay, I can live with that. :)

But enough.

Today .. I don't know what happened today. Maybe, just seeing your email was enough? I don't know. Something just clicked. Today, I am ready. Today, it's just time. And yes it's a good thing.

I will really try very hard, not to lurk on your blog anymore *smirk*. It has been very hard not to & will be very hard to fight the urge. It's been the only piece of you I had left. It has been hurtful to go there but so good to see that you are still out there, even though I do not like to see what has been happening.

I have to say here, that the post I made .. the one after the world series, I am sure that you know the one I am talking about, was not made to hurt you. It was my distress call. I see where you are going & want to scream NOOOOOOOOOO! But I cannot. It is so not who you are and I hate seeing you go down that path ... to end up like lil jo or Julie's husband David. That is NOT who you are. I appreciate & understand that it is a part of you, and on some levels you need it, but deep down, it is not who you are. And I hate seeing you turned into that. Not my wicked Dom, not my friend, not my geeky, baseball loving good little catholic boy. I have seen the REAL you! Please if nothing else don't let it completely change you. :(

.... so no more stalking .. I promise to try. That is the best I can do.

I am taking your words to heart. I am moving on. There is a really wonderful man, he has asked if I will be his Sub, and today, well today ... it's just time. I will send him here to my blog ... let him see the crazy & if he will still have me ...

And if not, there will be others. And that is good enough for me.

I will ALWAYS remember. I only have the one regret though. Even in my darkest hours, when I wanted to hate you, when I wished the hell I had never met you .. I did not regret. And yes I KNOW you do give a flying fuck!!!  :D

I will leave you with this and a request.

http://youtu.be/Lv_BV-BRUso   ... I am done denying it .. it just is what it is.

and please I would really like to have a picture. Call it my consolation prize. Won't you please send one .. you don't even have to say anything (probably better if you didn't). But please? For me?

Thank you for everything ... it's been my kind of crazy.

love,
your kittie

To all my American Friends! 

I hope you enjoy your holiday with loved ones and friends. 

Do you????

Do you tumbl???

I made an account in August .. I had lurked there for quite awhile & the Batman & I sent alot of pics back & forth from there so I thought what the hell & made my own account.

I have become quite addicted .. especially over the past 3 months. It has helped occupy .. my time. :D

And I don't know why but apparently my blog is becoming quite popular. I don't know why because all I do is reblog other peoples pictures. *shrug*  ... weird.

I never expected it either, but I have met some really nice people along the way. I get the odd douche bag message me but mostly it's been very positive.

Of course there is SafeD ... who I have YET to set up a play date with. Not for lack of trying .. we are just having some scheduling issues. This week is no good .. he is attending a Shiva (I hope I spelt that right) all week (which is a 7 day Jewish funeral) .. he looks good in a suit though *giggles* ... we met up during work yesterday as I had not seen him all the last week ... he wanted to come out for a smoke with me .. ahhh ... it was freezing AND he doesn't smoke! Sweet.

But there are others as well.

Geeky ... who is a writer in London. I just bought his wife's first book ...

fantastic read!!! Very educational!! You can find it under biographies ;) 

I will  have to order this one online but I cannot wait to read it ...  

Anyway, I haven't met her yet but I know we shall be fast friends. Geeky is alot of fun to hang out with (via email).

There are probably about 6 different people I am talking too ... all casually. Some people actually think I am all set to "play" or "sext" or .. whatever you kids are calling it these days. But no no no ... I am all about making friends & getting to know people .. beyond that ... it's a kinda wait & see thing.  Mostly people respect that & those that don't ... I get to roast them alive .. which is ALWAYS fun. >;)

But it's fun ... meeting people from all walks of life and from all over the world *waves to fondles* .. don't  you think?

I have a friend in Australia now .. I call him "man of the future" .. he tells me what's going to happen within the next 15 hours! ... it's AMAZING *giggles*

It's not just Doms I have met either ... a couple of switches, and a couple of female subbies too. I do stay away from Dommes because (no offence to anybody I KNOW) ... I HATE Dommes & their fucking little sissy bois.(I know that is very intolerant of me BUT I have my reasons)

 SafeD's wife is a Domme & it shows ... I have met her once & .. yeah ... no thank you! *shivers* and not the good kind either!

Anyway, back on target.

Then may even be somebody .... special. I don't know ... way too early to tell but HELLO!!!!  That's all I have to say about that!!!

So anyway .. do you Tumbl???

You can find me at  http://geekiekittie.tumblr.com/    ... where a picture says a thousand words! ;)

Total Klutz or ANGRY CAT IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

After having a horrible night ... virtually no sleep, bad dreams & a migraine, I head down the stairs for coffee. The cat decides to race down the stairs (he does NOT believe in walking). Down goes my foot on the the cat (not the step) & down I go ... I did a perfect somersault too. Don't worry the wall of the landing broke my fall & my head broke the drywall! I slid the rest of the way on my ass!!!

I am so graceful!

Not to worry, besides adding to the migraine & what's going to be a very bruised bum (not in a good way) .. I am fine.  Stiff & sore all over but I am use to that - did I ever tell you I have fibromyalgia?? I am use to pain.

I will be walking funny at work today!!!

And to boot we are in the midst of our first snow storm too!

HAPPY WEDNESDAY! *sighs*

Three Months - 12 Weeks - 84 Days

But who's counting. *sighs*

It still seems like  yesterday, since the end of the Batman.

I wish to Gods, I could just forget him. And no, I do NOT want to feel this way. I do NOT like feeling this way - hung up on somebody who doesn't give two flying fucks about me.

I am not doing it on purpose .. I am really really not. I just can't help it.

At least it is not all doom & gloom. I have SafeD to play with (soon I hope). And I am meeting new people all the time. There are even some possiblities looming in the mist.

But he was my Batman. And the connection was so strong & so real & so .... well, it's not likely I will ever feel something like that again. Yes yes I know ... plenty of fish & all that nonsense. "Just get over it already, Kittie!!!!"  You will just have to trust me ... 46 (almost 47) years of my life. That's how long it took me to find that one person that checked off all the boxes ... not long at all *rolls eyes*

I am not saying that I loved him ... I hardly even know what that really means. I have never really been "in love" before ... I have said the words & they have been said back to me. I have been in long term relationships before & hells I was even married once ... for a minute (okay a year & a half but whatever). 

There has been nothing compared to this. Which is totally fucking stupid to my logical side. How can I feel this way about somebody who I had never even met & I don't even know what he looks like (not that that matters to me in the slightest - just making a point). Have I regressed so far from reality??? o.O 

But I cannot help the way I feel. It is who I am & what I do. And I have NEVER even remotely felt like this before ... EVER.

 And holy fuck ... we have been apart twice as long as we were together. How sad am I??? 

Really though .. I am moving ... ever forward. Keeping an open mind and all that rot. I am not completely pathetic. I am happy in the rest of my life. I have good friends & family & I social & active. I am living my life & I will continue to explore all life throws my way but ... 

I will never forget & will always regret. 

Home to ANGRY CAT!

Ahhh .. it is so good to be home.

My cat is very happy to have me home too!!! The Brat stopped by alot while I was gone but still.

When I am gone, my cat gets mad & pees in my front hall closet. Such a lovely smell when you first walk in your door after being gone all week. (anybody have any idea how to break THIS nasty habit .. I am all ears)

We had a quiet night ... Boo (the cat) .. stuck to me like glue or "yelled" at me if I dared leave him alone for 5 minutes.

He even slept with me .. which is rare.

And I woke up to him literally sitting on my face.

So seriously ... Sunday morning waking up to a face full of pussy!!!

Happy Sunday!

DADDY's HOME!!

No, not that kind of daddy!

Thank the Maker!

 We brought my dad home from the hospital today!!! Yay!!!! He was actually supposed to be out yesterday
but the DRs felt that he could benefit one more night, due to the fact that it took so long for his oxygen levels to come back to normal. (we were grateful for that though)

But he is doing well & on the mend so we are all very grateful for that! Well he is finding it hard to move around and he is pretty weak but all in all ...

 I will be heading home tomorrow & back to my regularly scheduled life ... such as it is!

I have had lots of time "off" this week. I have been doing lots of thinking .. that is never good. I have even started a couple of "deep" blog posts .. I am not sure if I will post them or even finish them. We'll see though.

Ramblings

Well, my dad is not doing as great as we had first hoped. As of the end of visiting hours last night, his oxygen levels were still low (he is on oxygen still), his blood pressure still low. They had to put in a catheter on Tuesday morning. He was suppose to be up & moving yesterday morning but "apparently" the nerve blocker they gave him, is still in his system. When it was time for physio yesterday afternoon, he could not even stand up. They stood him up & his legs just buckled. *sighs* Hopefully today will be a better day.

In the meantime, my Mom is just exhausted. She has been a lot more worried than she has been letting on. And not sleeping well. She was up at 4am this morning .. doing dishes.

I brought make work projects with me. I am currently making a new ewok .. Ewok 2.0 ... sewing is FUN. I can barely sew a button on a shirt, yet I am making my second fur suit. Those Star Wars guys I hang with are such bad influences ;)

We have our annual "Help Santa Toy Drive Santa Claus Parade" on Saturday. The ewok will be done for it but I doubt I will be back home in time for the parade anyway. My dad was suppose to get out of the hospital on Thursday but that is likely NOT to happen now. But hopefully by Saturday he will be. I really want to be here, just to get him settled at home. I have to go back to work on Monday so everything is looking better iffy right now. 

SafeD are on cruise control. We are just waiting on the when now. I was hoping maybe this weekend but again ... doesn't look good. We are definately ready though. ;) 

Lots of flirting going on thanks to tumblr. I talk on a semi-regular basis to about 6 guys .. just for fun .. not even particularity smutty talk. Although some random dude sent be a cock shot the other day .... HUGE ... nuff said there ;) 

And of course there is that ONE that always peaks your interest. He is driving me crazy. I would jump thru the computer right now & throw myself at his feet. However, THAT is not reality. And although, he loves to tease me ... he is very VERY much poly & I just cannot do that. I am fair too neurotic and "needy" to ever have to share. And selfish ... more & more selfish everyday. 

Besides I am DONE with being second best!!!! 

Happy Hump(ing) Day everybody!!!!