I know I know … I said “normal” (I will go wash my mouth out with soap after I finish writing this) … I should say My New Reality but MEH …
My life has changed. I have changed. I do not look at things the same way anymore. I do not feel the same way anymore.
I have tried many times to explain this before, but it’s too big and I just do not have the words. There is always something that I forgot to add, or maybe I didn’t “see”, or I definitely could have said better. And I just really don’t know how to express everything that is swirling around inside of me. I don’t think that I even understand any of it myself.
All I do know is that I am MORE ME now I have ever been in my life. I do not know if this is a good thing or not. It’s like the walls have crumbled and I never even noticed!!! Have I been set free??????????
Sometimes, I am like “I am KITTIE!!!! HEAR ME ROAR!”
Sometimes, I truly feel I am going crazy .. Well I already am crazy, but what I mean is completely INSANE!!!! (HS .. keep THAT room reserved for me, please!!!)
AND 100 PERCENT of the time, I have no fucking idea, what I am doing!!!
It’s been empowering and more than a little scary!!!
I don’t seem to have a filter anymore. I say what I mean and mean what I say … even if it hurts or more often then not, I say it in a totally fucked up manner.
I have become an attention whore … mostly on tumblr and email. I NEED to have somebody to talk to … it’s like I cannot stand the silence anymore. If I am having a “quiet day” .. it’s almost like anxiety is setting in & I start crawling out of my own skin.
I have become obstinate and more stubborn than I ever thought possible. Time has not dampened my feelings .. if only the more time that goes by, the more I believe! I am not sure at all that this is entirely healthy (understatement of the year) but again .. I cannot seem to help myself. It IS bigger than me … or at least my feeble comprehensions.
And thru it all … those fucking demons are there, far in the background, goading me.
“you’re a loser”
“you don’t deserve to be happy”
“you will never be good enough”
Most of the time, I do squash these down but they are always there … some things will NEVER change. They like to kick me when I am down!
So yeah … that’s just a bit of what is flying around in my head … 100% of the time.
Mostly I am liking my new reality but it seems to be a roller coaster at the moment. Insane highs followed by immediate, insane lows and then back up again. Regrets, thrills, honesty, profound sadness, profound happiness, anger, stupidity, humour, sassiness, bravery, fear …. All clamouring to get out .. at the same time.
FUN!!!
And that concludes my latest attempt to try to explain (figure out) WTF I am. I thank you for your continued patience & kind words.
ADDENDUM:
(((AND just because it NEEDS saying (I NEED TO SAY IT) …..
My Batman was NEVER a jerk to me. Not once!! He was(is) the most amazing Dom (retired), somebody I could lean on, to laugh with, he was (and always will be, in spirit anyway) a great friend, and fellow geek. As My Dom he really inspired me to open my mind & be as pleasing as I could possibly be. And as his sub (he told me), that I was his muse & together we went places neither had ever been before! Nobody WILL ever “get me” like he did. NOT ONCE, did he ever do or say anything even remotely jerky towards me … it’s too bad that I cannot say the same thing. He really let me be ME .. the good, the bad & the ugly, and was always patient, encouraging and understanding. He just had a choice he had to make & he made it. You can’t fault a person for that. I may not like it (or agree with it) but that is NOT his fault. All my shit, is just that … mine))) <3
(I just don’t want anybody ever thinking badly of him because I don’t … not ever – thank you!)
That room is reserved, always. :)
ReplyDeleteLove this post. A lot of me is reflected here.
Sad, the only time I feel like me is with when I'm with Sir. Everywhere else I feel fake.
So proud of you. Keep growing and working on you!
Gosh GK, I get this post soooo much. The seeing things differently...not being the same person.... the loss of the filter. Even that 'craziness' in the head. I think you're onto something about crumbling walls and being set free.
ReplyDeleteThis was really nice to read -- especially today. I'm with HS - I'm usually the 'real me' with my Daddy, but sometimes I slip and forget with others that I should probably use that 'fakeness' or 'filter' with. Unfortunately last night was one of those times and I got hurt so I'm kinda in this sad haze this morning. Reading this was comforting -- it reminds me how refreshing the honesty and 'new normal' is. So thanks!
And I know those demons -- I get them myself. But i have to say that your addendum just once again shows what a strong, amazing, and deserving person you are.
hugs,
aurora
All day, I have been trying to figure out how to respond to these comments. Firstly thank you .. your support is very much appreciated, especially because every time I write something like this, I am always waiting for people to tell me to stop being so "dramatic" or such a "drama queen"
ReplyDeleteI don't know. It's a really weird place for me to be in. I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I am going, and most of the time I don't know anything at all.
I don't have a Dom, or a Sir, or a Daddy to be "me" with. Maybe that is easier .. maybe not? The realization of this change in me has been slow in coming .. it just sort of hit me this week. And it affects all aspects of my life .. work, friends, family. Most don't know what the change is, some like it ... some don't. The first month .. September, I was so sad ... I did not (could not) talk to anybody, at all. My Bestie (not my Brat), was so worried. Now ... I can't seem to shut up .. about anything. This no filter thing, this new found "honesty over everything" is very taxing.
Like I said ... I know no words ... I just keep chugging on.
But again, Ladies, thank you so much for your kind words .. your support is amazing.
(((hugs)))
I love a good rambling post!:)
ReplyDeleteI think I'm the opposite as far as being "me" with Master. I'm "me" with him sexually, although the "me" that I am is too timid verbally for Master's tastes, so I'm forcing myself to turn that part of myself "up." But the rest of me is the opposite. My natural personality at home is very turned up, and when Master visits I have to turn it down in order to be what he wants. But that's fine. I think it's actually a good thing. My sexual self needed turning up, and my natural at home personality could use a bit turning down.
I have tried my whole life to figure out who the real me was ... well, more like how to be ME, in all shapes and form. It has taken a long time and certainly an easy task. Now I just can't seem to switch it off ... if that makes any sense at all.
ReplyDelete