It all started for me with this post that Dauntless Vitality put up in the spring ...
I watched that video many many times and all I could think of was "wow ... I could NEVER even subject myself to that at all" .. not EVER! Describe myself & let somebody draw what I see? I would run out of that room ... probably pulling my hair out & screaming as I went. Seriously.
This is me:
This is what I see when I look in the mirror:
actually probably worse than that. And as they say .. you can't fix ugly.
I don't know why I am the way I am & I have been like this forever. Oh sure people can say, and have said that I am exaggerating or it's not that bad but that little voice that lives so very deep inside me says ... "nope, don't listen to them .. you are gross, you are unworthy, you are a LOSER"
I have gotten better over the years. I lead a pretty happy life. It's kind of ironic ... I hate mirrors & I absolutely HATE getting my picture taken. I especially see photos of me & I say "who the fuck is that pigdog????" ...But I digress ... 2 years ago today, I started trooping with my Star Wars group & have had my picture taken probably thousands of times now. And I don't actually hate it .. and I can actually look at some of those pictures & while always criticizing, I can actually say "hmmm, not bad" It has definitely been a positive experience & I am actually learning to "work" the camera. But then again .. it's not really "me" posing is it.
Why am I telling you all this? Well I am not really telling you ... this is the very first time I have ever made myself really think about it ... commit it to written word & who knows maybe even perform a little exorcism? I am impressed because usually when I let the demon out & let it control me I usually end up a blubbering idiot. The demon is mean and the demon takes great pleasure in watching me self-destruct. Over the years, the demon in me as made me do bad things to myself. First. I was drunk for 5 years straight .. yes 5 years. I am very surprised I didn't turn into an alcoholic!!! Those were very bad years ... the demon ran rampant throughout my life. I was locked away deep inside myself. Nobody knew me .. not at all. I was drunk & I slept with just about any man who would take me (drunk of course). My self esteem was non-existent in those 5 years. I abused my body in so many ways. *sighs* I wonder how I lived thru it all.
It took me another 20 years, the real me locked away deep inside. I didn't live ... I existed. I was never happy and I was in denial. The demon still ruled my life. I had score upon score of bad relationships .. including a brief marriage (which I agreed to because I figured I was already 28 & who else would want me? - sad but true).
And then 2 years ago (it's my anniversary) I had my first official troop with my Star Wars people. And 4 months after that I finally got rid of my last bad relationship (I swore that I would never settle again) and I started to live. I mean for the first time in my life, at 45 years old, I was living as me. What a feeling! And then this year's introduction to this lifestyle has been mind blowing.
The inner demon is still there & still causing havoc with my self-esteem, but most of the time I can squash it done! Not always though. It won out for awhile after Naughty Prince Charming. I miss him, he was a good friend. I am still not sure why he decided to try to take it a step farther. We were doing not bad, even though my Demon kept telling me that NPC was way too good for me, out of my league, I dared to hope. But as soon as he asked for my picture, the Demon one. I guess I wasn't his cup of tea .. because that picture pretty much ended it all. *shrug* I can live with that. I am an acquired taste that's for sure.
I was lucky with My Batman. In all the time, we spent together (only 6 weeks but it was CONSTANT) .. we only ever emailed and he never asked for pictures. When he left ... and we said goodbye, I sent him a link to my facebook page so he could lurk there if he so desired. The demon in me thinks he is very grateful that he dodged THAT bullet of his kittie actually being a pigdog.
But mostly I don't care anymore (or I try very hard). I am what I am ... I can't change that & most of the time I can tell the demon to go fuck itself. I have lost over 60 pounds since I made my self discovery. I will never be beautiful though. But I am a good person and am learning to like myself more everyday.
I want to thank Dauntless & all the others who have given their opinions about self-image. And I want to especially thank his slut for her honesty and frankness in her posts. She really was the catalyst that inspired me to dig deep and hopefully silence the inner demon once & for all! And maybe even one day I will be able to look in the mirror and now want to spit at what is staring back at me. :D (and I am very happy that I could write this out without crying once!)