Pain

It still really hurts, although I am slowly getting better.

The first two weeks were hell. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat ... I couldn't talk. I was a hot mess. Just trying to get thru the work day was torture. I was barely holding it together ... it was so obvious, but nobody could approach me. It was a good day if I could just make it home without breaking down at least once. And once I got home .. I would lose it completely. *sighs*

It was like being held captive in my own house and in my own head. There was no escape, everywhere I looked there were reminders.

I was grateful for that fateful day, when I ran into Former D. If nothing else, he provided a much needed distraction from my angst. But really not once in those crazy couple of days, did you ever leave me .. not for a second. But I had to pick up my socks, try to move forward. And Former D to the rescue! (although he didn't know it). I really did wish that I could have been with him ... just to try to erase you from my head & my memories.

But things are slowly getting better now. I know life must go on and I must keep moving forward. I have good days & bad. I can talk again without being reduces to a blubbering idiot and I can laugh.

Today was a bad day. Today I just wanted to crawl under the covers & never come out. Today was a day, where it was hard to breath .. the ache in my very being was huge .. consuming me. I want today to be over.

But I am angry now too. Another useless emotion that does not help. It makes me want to lash out. To call you vile names .. to call you a stupidhead ... to be hurtful.

I would love to masturbate ... I have tried once already. I couldn't finish before I started sobbing uncontrollably. I suppose that is to be expected considering how you did control those actions. Maybe it was too soon?

I have never felt this way, about anybody else, as I did with you. and I have never felt this type of pain before either.

I did not just lost my Dom .. I have lost a piece of me.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better.