Saturday, August 31, 2013

The Batman

He is my Batman! I can't remember the exact quote so I'll just make it up shall I. *grins* He has no superpowers, He is only human but that does not make Him any less powerful or amazing!

I have been wanting to write about this/Him for awhile but I have found it quite difficult to find the words.

What we have found is something very special to me & I just realized how protective I am of it. We have been at it for awhile now but it is still very new & fragile (and so fucking AMAZING)!! It has taken us both by surprise. It is not without its complications of course but I have yet to encounter anything meaningful in life that isn't complicated.

We have been living in the moment. In a shelter & safe cacoon, if you will.  It works for us *shrug*
That will change ... eventually ... It had to, because that is just the way life works!

I have no idea where we are going but I am okay with that. It will be what it will ... But I am hopeful & extremely happy!!

And that's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump)


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Be Careful What You Wish For ...


We had been friends for awhile (horrible flirts!) .. then one day,  seemingly out of the blue he emails "I think maybe I want you to go to your bedroom, gag yourself with one if your stockings & spank your ass 20 times with a hairbrush. I will be back in 20 minutes, you may play with yourself til then"


It never even occurred to me not to comply!

It's been fairly amazing ever since!

We are just living in the moment & loving every minute of it!



Sunday, August 18, 2013

“What does being a Dom or sub mean to you personally?”

This question was posted on tumblr by a friend of mine .. I did not feel qualified to answer it. But then he asked me to personally. MEEP!

I know what it means to me, in my head. Translating it into written word .. well we'll see.

I have always had a need to make people about. It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I have been accused alot in my life of being a bleeding heart. I have said this before .. I am an emotional creature. I tend to led with my heart rather than my head. Feel first .. think after. .. but this should wait for another post (or not).

Being submissive to me is about being able to give of myself. Of belonging. Sating the need to please. It's more than the physical aspect. Reaching into my mind and forcing me to admit to myself, things that I am too afraid to admit. Pushing my boundaries. I love the mind fuckery of it all. I love the feeling of fear, when pushed .. to try something new. And with "all the experience I have" (she says sarcastically) ... everything is still so new!

And being submissive, to the right Dom? Well I LOVE being owned. Being His kittie, His pet, His baby girl, His pain slut, His fuck toy. The thrill I get of hearing "I am so proud of you" "good girl" "you ARE MINE" ... *purrrrrs* ... it makes me very proud to belong to Him, to know that I have pleased Him, to make Him happy.

And being His submissive, it lets me sing. He doesn't want a doormat ... enjoys my sassy playfulness, yet does not hesitate to let me know when I have gone too far. And knows me well enough to know when something is wrong .. even before I realize it. I can be me ... quirky, geeky, star wars fan girl, nuts, moody, scared, cuddly, needy, serious, vanilla .. all of it.. Just me.

And that's what being submissive means to me.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Nope! Not LOST anymore!

Wow .. 2 posts in one day. 

I have actually wanted to do this for a couple of days now. It goes with my new "attitude" 

I kinda like being lost kittie but it doesn't really apply anymore. I am not lost ... I have found myself again. So that deserves a new name & a new blog name. But what ...

I am a big ol' goof ball ... a sassy Star Wars fan girl. And a geek. All things I am very proud of. 

Sooo .... geekie kittie it is. I hope y'all like it. 

Clarification & Clarity

I just wanted to say thank you to all that left me comments on yesterday's post. I do appreciate them and you have given me much to think about.

And I do agree with what was said .. for the most part! ;)

There are a couple of things though. 

I feel like for the first time in 4 months I do have clarity in my life again. I have been living in kind of a desperation ... looking & yearning for something, anything to fill that void that I was left in. I don't know .. maybe it was kind of a sub-frenzy that I have read so much about.

I think I have been trying too hard. Wanting something so badly .. at times I felt that I was going crazy. It's not really who I am .

I think that's the point of I was trying to make yesterday. I feel like I have turned a corner. I have gotten perspective back into my life. I am finally feeling like me again ... not some fledgling little subbie desperate for some attention. 

It took many years, of alot of bad decisions (most of my life in fact) and never really living, just going thru the motions, to finally find myself. A couple of years back and the end of yet another disasterous vanilla relationship .. enough was enough. I took the time to finally discover who I am &  what I want to be & probably for the first time in my life .. I was happy, truly happy.

And then former D came along & threw everything into a tailspin.

The past is the past. There is no denying the influence that Former D had on my life. I wouldn't be here writing this blog right now if it weren't for him. But he is the past. And I am moving on. I have moved on.

And now, I am just me .. a geeky Star Wars fan girl, moody & sassy, who just happens to be a subbie as well. I am happy with that and with who I am.

And I trust my instincts.

I do know what I want. I know that there is a perfect Dom out there .. perfect for me (nobody IS perfect after all). And I will know him when I find him. Call me fanciful or idealistic but it's just what I believe. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

Of course, I am not so idealistic or have romantic notions of a knight in shining armour riding his white steed in to rescue me. That's just silly, not to mention dillusional!

You are right JAS (et all) ... it takes time, and patience to get to know somebody. And for them to get to know me as well. I totally get that and am prepared for that, probably more so now than a month ago even. Like I said .. I have gotten back the clarity in my life that has been missing these past few months.

I feel good .. I like the direction my life is going in. I have my confidence back and the patience and the clarity.

I guess that was what I was trying to say yesterday. Like I said, it has been very difficult for me to try to put in to words .. what has been in my head & in my heart.



PS .. and for PwP ... I know that I have hurt you and I am truly sorry that I have .. I never wanted to hurt anybody. But what can I say, I have to follow my gut and I am sorry but you are just not the one. :( 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Do You Think BDSM is for You???

I have been having a hard time putting in to words, what D/s means to me. I have been doing alot of reading and researching as well as soul searching.

And it literally just hit me .. writing this post. It's been 4 months today, since former Dom left me. Wow .. only 4 months??? It seems like a lifetime ago now!!!! I have grown sooo much since then! How appropriate that I write this post today (quite by accident too)

One of his favourite questions he asked me alot .. "do you think BDSM is for you?" I could never give him an answer.

I would think that answer is a resounding YES. But it is so much more than that. It is more than dungeons, being tied up, spanked, flogged, fucked etc etc. It's D/s, it's TPE, it's a way of life.

It is with great sadness that I have to report that I had to let PwP go. He truly is a great guy and I do care about him. But I do believe we are destined to be good friends. We just want different things. And to be blunt (but hopefully not too hurtful) .. he is just not the Dom I am looking for. I do hope that he can forgive me & understand one day. :'(

So what am I looking for then? And THIS is what I find so hard to put into word. *deep breath*

Former Dom, although not an "experienced" Dom, set the bar. I don't even think he knew exactly what we were doing or where we were headed but .. well that's what I want .. I want THAT back. I never once didn't know my place and never once was he afraid of keeping me there. It took me 3 "dates" to earn the right to see him (he kept me blindfolded for the first two dates ... something he just sort of made up as he went along). Once I wanted to "talk to him" on a serious matter & he would not even entertain it because I tried to call him by his first name instead of Sir. He calmly and rationally talked me off the edge on more than one occasion. LOL .. I was nervous because I had to do a photoshoot once for a magazine & his solution for "my nerves" ... go remove my panties 3 hours before the shoot & do NOT put them back on! So yes, there is a picture of me in a local magazine .. all Star Wars Costumed out .. with no knickers on! (and my mother so proudly shows that magazine off to all her friends) o.O

He owned me, and he cared for me and, well, I just worshipped him .. I really did. It's too bad he can't ask me that question now ... "do you think this is for you, precious?" HELLS YES SIR!!!!

In these long 4 months, since he left me, I have learned. I know who I am now and I know what I want. I have read and I have asked questions. I have made friends. I have even experimented. But I have not found what I am looking for.

I am looking for a Dom .. one who, wants to own me, to possess me, to make me his. I want a Dom who (for example) will send me a text, in the middle of the day, telling me to go to the bathroom "put an elastic around your thigh & snap it 10 times because it will give me pleasure for you to hurt yourself for me" (I read that somewhere & it really struck a cord with me). I want a Dom, who will control me, that will listen to me, who will let me be sassy but will NOT let me be a brat. A Dom who knows, who he is and what he wants, and is not afraid to go out there and get it.

My inner-sub is screaming for this. I want to be owned, to be possessed. I long to be pleasing, to be used, as a fucktoy, as a friend, as a pet. All the time .. in all things and not just in the bedroom. It's kind of like it's all or nothing.

I think sometimes what I am looking for is unattainable. But then I take to blogland & I read. There are Doms that I really look up to & say yes, that's what I am talking about!!! And I read subs' blogs .. some are married, some are single, some are poly, some are slaves. And I envy them all! *grins* .. they have what I want! But I admire them as well ... they have what I want!

So is what I am looking for unattainable?? NO!!! ... I was told by a friend to not settled for anything less than what I want. HE IS OUT THERE .. my Dom. And he is brilliant, he is funny, he is kind, he is cruel, he is strong, he is commanding, he is sweet, he is demanding, he is .. everything. And he will set this little inner-subbie free!