And I do agree with what was said .. for the most part! ;)
There are a couple of things though.
I feel like for the first time in 4 months I do have clarity in my life again. I have been living in kind of a desperation ... looking & yearning for something, anything to fill that void that I was left in. I don't know .. maybe it was kind of a sub-frenzy that I have read so much about.
I think I have been trying too hard. Wanting something so badly .. at times I felt that I was going crazy. It's not really who I am .
I think that's the point of I was trying to make yesterday. I feel like I have turned a corner. I have gotten perspective back into my life. I am finally feeling like me again ... not some fledgling little subbie desperate for some attention.
It took many years, of alot of bad decisions (most of my life in fact) and never really living, just going thru the motions, to finally find myself. A couple of years back and the end of yet another disasterous vanilla relationship .. enough was enough. I took the time to finally discover who I am & what I want to be & probably for the first time in my life .. I was happy, truly happy.
And then former D came along & threw everything into a tailspin.
The past is the past. There is no denying the influence that Former D had on my life. I wouldn't be here writing this blog right now if it weren't for him. But he is the past. And I am moving on. I have moved on.
And now, I am just me .. a geeky Star Wars fan girl, moody & sassy, who just happens to be a subbie as well. I am happy with that and with who I am.
And I trust my instincts.
I do know what I want. I know that there is a perfect Dom out there .. perfect for me (nobody IS perfect after all). And I will know him when I find him. Call me fanciful or idealistic but it's just what I believe. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.
Of course, I am not so idealistic or have romantic notions of a knight in shining armour riding his white steed in to rescue me. That's just silly, not to mention dillusional!
You are right JAS (et all) ... it takes time, and patience to get to know somebody. And for them to get to know me as well. I totally get that and am prepared for that, probably more so now than a month ago even. Like I said .. I have gotten back the clarity in my life that has been missing these past few months.
I feel good .. I like the direction my life is going in. I have my confidence back and the patience and the clarity.
I guess that was what I was trying to say yesterday. Like I said, it has been very difficult for me to try to put in to words .. what has been in my head & in my heart.
(((hugs)))
lk
=^.^=
PS .. and for PwP ... I know that I have hurt you and I am truly sorry that I have .. I never wanted to hurt anybody. But what can I say, I have to follow my gut and I am sorry but you are just not the one. :(
And then former D came along & threw everything into a tailspin.
The past is the past. There is no denying the influence that Former D had on my life. I wouldn't be here writing this blog right now if it weren't for him. But he is the past. And I am moving on. I have moved on.
And I trust my instincts.
I do know what I want. I know that there is a perfect Dom out there .. perfect for me (nobody IS perfect after all). And I will know him when I find him. Call me fanciful or idealistic but it's just what I believe. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.
Of course, I am not so idealistic or have romantic notions of a knight in shining armour riding his white steed in to rescue me. That's just silly, not to mention dillusional!
You are right JAS (et all) ... it takes time, and patience to get to know somebody. And for them to get to know me as well. I totally get that and am prepared for that, probably more so now than a month ago even. Like I said .. I have gotten back the clarity in my life that has been missing these past few months.
I feel good .. I like the direction my life is going in. I have my confidence back and the patience and the clarity.
I guess that was what I was trying to say yesterday. Like I said, it has been very difficult for me to try to put in to words .. what has been in my head & in my heart.
(((hugs)))
lk
=^.^=
PS .. and for PwP ... I know that I have hurt you and I am truly sorry that I have .. I never wanted to hurt anybody. But what can I say, I have to follow my gut and I am sorry but you are just not the one. :(
((Hugs)).
ReplyDeleteMy only advice, and you already know it-don't settle. He is out there. It may take a few sessions to realize He fits all criteria, but He does exist.
Yup Yup! He DOES exist. (if you see him wanna point him in my direction *giggles*)
Delete(((hugs)))
lk
You know yourself better than anyone, be patient, i remember what it was like when i single..bloody hell it was like swimming in a sea of sharks, lol
ReplyDeletex
I think that's what I was missing .. patience.
Deletelol
thanks tori
(((hugs)))
lk
I think that what many readers are missing is a tiny bit of the back story. That is the part where you so desperately wanted this relationship to work. Where more than anything you hoped (and briefly thought) he was the one. The heartache you felt when you realized he wasn't the one. The incredible angst you felt knowing you were going to have to end it. The sickening feeling you had knowing you were going to hurt someone.
ReplyDeleteEven knowing all this, you had to do it. Why? Because he was not the one.
Hang in there LH....hugs!!!
PwP, truly I am sorry for your heartache. But please try not to be bitter. Try to find it in your heart to move on and be adult enough to be friends. Hang in there. Hoping the best for you. :)