This is usually a good thing .. mostly. Sometimes .. not so much.
I have been spending too much time in my head. It happens when I go decompress at my cottage for a couple of days. Too much thinking .. turning things over & over in your head.
Will I ever find another Dom .. one that I need? That will be good to me .. for me? Will I ever be submissive .. submissive enough? Will I ever get beyond my own demons? Am I just a poser? A phony? A fraud?
Spinning & spinning around in my head. Driving me crazy!
"You are Mine" ... it is a delicious 3 little worlds. And very scary. Way too scary for somebody new like me. Don't get me wrong. If I met the right Dom .. I would like to think that I could & would be very happy to hear those words. I think. I guess it's not something you can really know unless you're in the moment .. right?! (anyway .. I thought it was a really good post .. thanks to herliege!!!!)
I don't know .. sometimes this all feels like a kinky fairy tale & I am waiting for my Naughty Prince Charming. HEH! yeah
Too much thinking .. not enough feeling. It sucks!!!!!
Then today, my boss forgot a very important rule at work ... that I don't give a fuck. You gonna push me .. I will fucking push back. The battle has begun (tomorrow I meet with EAP) *grrrr*
Yeah too much time in my head = a lot of negativity & bad vibes. I am a moon child ... we NEED peace, love & happiness!!! No more thinking!!! >:(
PS - But on a plus ... I actually contacted somebody on fetlife ,,,, somebody local .. not just the same continent but the same city!!!!
I said ... HI .,.. ooooh! Look out world! *rolls eyes*
This is something I have been thinking about alot. What do I want? Why is this such a hard question to answer? It scares me & leaves me feeling vulnerable. What do I want? It's such a loaded question.
I want what I had! He might not have been a great Dom, but he was good to me. He encouraged me to go down this path. He put me on edge and made me think .. really think. He told me "your mind is the most sensuous part of you .. I am really going to have to explore that" WOW ... for a girl who grew up feeling stupid & awkward that was a very powerful thing to say to me. He was the only person in my life that I could really open up to & be honest with, even though it was probably the hardest thing for me to do. I liked it & want it. You know?
So what do I want? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!! :(
TTWD, is not something that I went looking for, it all happened by chance. I entered into this as an experiment. To try it .. to see if I would like it. And because of him. I mean, sure there was Mr Experience before my Dom took over, but to be honest if that was the only experience I would have had with BDSM .. that would have been the end of it. Okay, been there .. tried that .. no thanks. But with Sir, he may not have had much experience but he "got me" and he made me sing!
I have read the post The Demensions of Experience on a Dauntless Journey, where DV talks about once your mind goes there, it can never go back. It really makes you think doesn't it? I have also read many other blogs on here and see many people, just being happy as submissives, pets, slaves or whatever they deem themselves to be. A part of me is very jealous of the lives they have etched out for themselves but then I doubt myself .. could I ever find that kind of happiness as well ... what would it mean for my life? *sighs* soooo many questions. It's very hard to think about it all, while I am in my current situation. It's very lonely.
But still ... what do I want? *sighs*
At least I do know somewhat of what I don't want! I guess that is something. I do not want to be a bottom or some casual plaything. If I am a submissive than I would want it to be with somebody who cares about me and WANTS me to be their submissive.
I could never be poly either. Too many times in my past, I have been pushed aside or dumped because I was never good enough. If I had to share my Dom's time with others, I know all those negative thoughts & self doubts would resurface and be the ruin of me, completely.
My former Dom, talked alot about "completely degrading me & using & abusing me" for his pleasure alone, if I got off on it, well then, lucky me. But in reality, he was kind, passionate & sensual (sound familiar?). Actions speak louder than words. He may have degraded me, and used me for his own enjoyment but it never felt like that to me. He always took care of me & my needs. And quite frankly it was an amazing experience.
I guess, maybe, that is what I want? A Dom that cares?
I may be wrong in my thinking (probably but I don't care) .. a D/s relationship is really a partnership. The Dom takes what the sub freely gives. It's an equal partnership in it's own right? Each equal in their perspective roles? At least it is, in the way I want, for myself & my submission.
Hmmm, maybe I do know what I want after all!? Maybe the question should be .. how do I get what I want?
A friend told me that I put myself out there once before and I can do it again. *sighs* I truly hope so.
Right now, that statement scares the hell out of me. I am afraid of exposing myself .. of being vulnerable.
Right now, I will have to content myself with the "safety" of the internet and blogland ... learning about what this lifestyle is all about and trying to gather the courage to indeed "put myself out there"
Yup .. that's me .. the fuzzball. I am an ewok NOT a furry (not that there is anything wrong with that if it floats your boat). We were just playing, near the end of the con, with my STILL not finished ewok costume.
So I did survive the weekend .. it was exhausting but soooo much fun. There were about 30,000 people that attended our second comiccon. And so much press coverage .. it was amazing. We were sooo busy I didn't get to see much of the con .. nor many of the celebraties, although I did get to spend alot of time with the original Darth Vader - David Prowse. I went to get my picture with him & Billy Dee Williams. I walked into the photo op area .. Billy Dee looked like a statue .. didn't even acknowledge anybody was even there. Dave however, says when he sees me "Hello Sweetheart, Here's comes the answer to every sex addicts' prayers!" O.O .. I gave him a kiss on the check after the photo. He is a cheeky old dog that one!
We spent most of the time in costume at our booth .. which we made ourselves & EVERYBODY loved .... awesome!!!
Our Star Wars Experience Booth .. Murals are 8ft tall and the cut outs are 8ft as well!!!
Behind the wall was a "locker room" on the Death Star full of costumes & props (including Han Solo encased in Carbonite) all made by members of our group. We also had our photo booth (you pay $5 to get your picture with any or all of our costumed people), hourly raffles for great SW swag and our ever popular Shoot a Trooper blaster range (nothing better than shooting people with high powered nerf guns).
The best best BEST part of the weekend was our booth raised $10,700 in funds. ALL monies raised goes to the Make-a-Wish foundation!!!
So with that out of the way ... I shall stop flaunting my total geekiness and get back to trying to figure out how to go forward in discovery the submssive side of this Star Wars Fan Girl.
Boy oh boy, I am pooped!!! One more day!!! It's going well though ... I am glad that I don't have to get stuck out on the floor with thongs of people.
We went out to dinner with David Prowse last night, he played Darth Vader in the movies (of course not his voice though). I had met him last year at fan expo in Toronto. Such a lovely man. When I got my picture ("photo op") with him last year, we posed cheek to cheek .. I had told him that I was going to kiss his cheek as soon as the photo was taken, & when I went to do it, he turned & kissed me right on the lips .. the cheeky devil! Well he REMEMBERED ME!!! and he remembered "our kiss". So when I went to say hello to him at dinner (dinner was for about 80 people btw), he held my arm the whole time. It was sooooo funny. He is 87 years old now & his health is not the greatest but such a lovely man & still as sharp as a tack,
He came to visit our booth yesterday as well & really loved our display. And in grand fashion befitting the Dark Lord of the Sith, requested an escot back to his autograph station. So there he is sitting tall & proud on his grand thrown (his wheelchair) surrounded by, about 25 Star Wars characters, being paraded thru throngs of geeky peeps & LOVING every minute of it! Of course we love it too ... as people are cheering & snapping pictures!! WHAT A RUSH!
Last day today & we will all be glad when it's done. I think everybody has been running on fumes for the past week! ... and tomorrow back to work ...with a "con hangover.
(Oh Yeah .. I am hoping that today I might actually SEE some of the con today too!!)
Friday - 8am - noon - finish setting up for ComicCon
8am - 9am - CTV2 morning news - Star Wars and our costuming organization
9am - 10am - CTV2 morinng news - Collecting Star Wars "stuff" featuring ME! (so nervous)
Noon - Advance opening for Comic Con
2pm - 10pm - Day 1 of Comic Con
Saturday - 8am - 430pm - Day 2 of Comic Con
430pm - 530pm - our annual photo shoot
Ottawa Comic Con 2012
730pm - midnight - annual dinner - special guests David Prowse (Darth Vader) & Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian)
Sunday - 8am - 6pm - last day of Comic Con
6pm - 8pm - tear down
8pm - SLEEP!!!!
So yeah .. that's my weekend. I probably won't be around blogland too much. If you don't hear from me by Monday evening .. I didn't make it & all my dreams of becoming the perfect little sub, will be over! But what a way to go!!!! :D
I had a fantastic day yesterday. The best day since my Dom & I ended it.
I totally GEEKED OUT. It was a big big day. I am totally in COSPLAY and I belong to an organization that dresses up for charity (and we love it).
We started at my favourite Comic Book Shoppe, entertaining the masses waiting in line for International Free Comic Book Day. I figure there were about 200 people waiting in line for their free comic books. Some were in line for at least 2 hours before the shop opened at 10am .. pretty hardcore. But the weather was beautiful & it's always fun to interact with those waiting in line as well as passers by.
We spent 2 hours there then it was off to a local elementary school to "troop" at their school fun fair .. helping to raise money so they can buy a new play structure for the kids. By the looks of things we raised alot of money getting photos taken with the fans & letting them "shoot a trooper" with nerf guns.
Finally after a couple hours there it was off to the Chapters (Canada's Barnes & Noble) to celebrate MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU! And dam .. we were MOBBED!!! There were sooooo many people there. So much fun.
It was so good to get out of my head for awhile & get back to doing something I truly love! But boy I was POOPED afterwards!!! :D
Some of the gang after a very busy day! (I took the photo)
Before I met my erstwhile Dom, my life was pretty damned good.
I was social very active, belonged to a group that I love (we do lots of charity work for children), I was self confident and happy.
Now, I just can't seem to get it together. I am so busy in my so-called life .. so much coming up & so much to get ready for. Yet I feel like I am frozen in time. I am stuck. I haven't gotten a thing accomplished in a month. I have not gone out socially, I have cancelled many work projects and scheduled appearances. My friends are all wondering where I am, ... I haven't even posted on facebook *gasp* in like 3 days (some sort of record I swear!)
It's like my "give a fuck factor" is gone. I have lost my mojo.
I have tried not to be like this, tried going out, doing my normal things but I just don't want to be there.
I think maybe because nobody knows what I have gone thru .. what I am becoming (embrassing the real me?)? I have only told one of my friends about my foray in the world of D/s. But of course she doesn't understand. And although she is somewhat sympathetic to my plight, she has no idea why I am so depressed .. how can she when I barely understand myself?
I feel so empty. I can't even honestly say that it's my Dom that I miss or if it's the dynamic of the D/s relationship. I just don't know.
I have been trying though. I am looking into things. Reading lots of blogs (which I find much more honest & reliable to learn from then other places on the Internet), looking into the local community and I have even joined Fetlife.
It is all very daunting though .. trying to move forward. I am basically a very shy person & the thought of going out there, on my own ... to a munch or even just contacting somebody online, TERRIFIES me to no end! I can't even seem to make an interesting profile for fetlife.
I know this won't last forever .. this uncertainty & fear. Blogging is helping. But HOLY FUCK .. I would like to get on with my life please!!!!