What Do I Want??!!!!

This is something I have been thinking about alot. What do I want? Why is this such a hard question to answer? It scares me & leaves me feeling vulnerable. What do I want? It's such a loaded question.

I want what I had! He might not have been a great Dom, but he was good to me. He encouraged me to go down this path. He put me on edge and made me think .. really think. He told me "your mind is the most sensuous part of you .. I am really going to have to explore that" WOW ... for a girl who grew up feeling stupid & awkward that was a very powerful thing to say to me. He was the only person in my life that I could really open up to & be honest with, even though it was probably the hardest thing for me to do. I liked it & want it. You know?

So what do I want? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!! :( 

TTWD, is not something that I went looking for, it all happened by chance. I entered into this as an experiment. To try it .. to see if I would like it. And because of him. I mean, sure there was Mr Experience before my Dom took over, but to be honest if that was the only experience I would have had with BDSM .. that would have been the end of it. Okay, been there .. tried that .. no thanks. But with Sir, he may not have had much experience but he "got me" and he made me sing!

 I have read the post The Demensions of Experience on a Dauntless Journey, where DV talks about once your mind goes there, it can never go back. It really makes you think doesn't it? I have also read many other blogs on here and see many people, just being happy as submissives, pets, slaves or whatever they deem themselves to be. A part of me is very jealous of the lives they have etched out for themselves but then I doubt myself .. could I ever find that kind of happiness as  well ... what would it mean for my life? *sighs* soooo many questions. It's very hard to think about it all, while I am in my current situation. It's very lonely.

But still ... what do I want? *sighs*

At least I do know somewhat of what I don't want! I guess that is something. I do not want to be a bottom or some casual plaything. If I am a submissive than I would want it to be with somebody who cares about me and WANTS me to be their submissive.

I could never be poly either. Too many times in my past, I have been pushed aside or dumped because I was never good enough. If I had to share my Dom's time with others, I know all those negative thoughts & self doubts would resurface and be the ruin of me, completely.

My former Dom, talked alot about "completely degrading me & using & abusing me" for his pleasure alone, if I got off on it, well then, lucky me. But in reality, he was kind, passionate & sensual (sound familiar?). Actions speak louder than words. He may have degraded me, and used me for his own enjoyment but it never felt like that to me. He always took care of me & my needs. And quite frankly it was an amazing experience.

I guess, maybe, that is what I want? A Dom that cares?

I may be wrong in my thinking (probably but I don't care) .. a D/s relationship is really a partnership. The Dom takes what the sub freely gives. It's an equal partnership in it's own right? Each equal in their perspective roles? At least it is, in the way I want, for myself & my submission.

Hmmm, maybe I do know what I want after all!? Maybe the question should be .. how do I get what I want?

A friend told me that I put myself out there once before and I can do it again. *sighs* I truly hope so.

Right now, that statement scares the hell out of me. I am afraid of exposing myself .. of being vulnerable.

Right now, I will have to content myself with the "safety" of the internet and blogland ... learning about what this lifestyle is all about and trying to gather the courage to indeed "put myself out there"