Do You Think BDSM is for You???

I have been having a hard time putting in to words, what D/s means to me. I have been doing alot of reading and researching as well as soul searching.

And it literally just hit me .. writing this post. It's been 4 months today, since former Dom left me. Wow .. only 4 months??? It seems like a lifetime ago now!!!! I have grown sooo much since then! How appropriate that I write this post today (quite by accident too)

One of his favourite questions he asked me alot .. "do you think BDSM is for you?" I could never give him an answer.

I would think that answer is a resounding YES. But it is so much more than that. It is more than dungeons, being tied up, spanked, flogged, fucked etc etc. It's D/s, it's TPE, it's a way of life.

It is with great sadness that I have to report that I had to let PwP go. He truly is a great guy and I do care about him. But I do believe we are destined to be good friends. We just want different things. And to be blunt (but hopefully not too hurtful) .. he is just not the Dom I am looking for. I do hope that he can forgive me & understand one day. :'(

So what am I looking for then? And THIS is what I find so hard to put into word. *deep breath*

Former Dom, although not an "experienced" Dom, set the bar. I don't even think he knew exactly what we were doing or where we were headed but .. well that's what I want .. I want THAT back. I never once didn't know my place and never once was he afraid of keeping me there. It took me 3 "dates" to earn the right to see him (he kept me blindfolded for the first two dates ... something he just sort of made up as he went along). Once I wanted to "talk to him" on a serious matter & he would not even entertain it because I tried to call him by his first name instead of Sir. He calmly and rationally talked me off the edge on more than one occasion. LOL .. I was nervous because I had to do a photoshoot once for a magazine & his solution for "my nerves" ... go remove my panties 3 hours before the shoot & do NOT put them back on! So yes, there is a picture of me in a local magazine .. all Star Wars Costumed out .. with no knickers on! (and my mother so proudly shows that magazine off to all her friends) o.O

He owned me, and he cared for me and, well, I just worshipped him .. I really did. It's too bad he can't ask me that question now ... "do you think this is for you, precious?" HELLS YES SIR!!!!

In these long 4 months, since he left me, I have learned. I know who I am now and I know what I want. I have read and I have asked questions. I have made friends. I have even experimented. But I have not found what I am looking for.

I am looking for a Dom .. one who, wants to own me, to possess me, to make me his. I want a Dom who (for example) will send me a text, in the middle of the day, telling me to go to the bathroom "put an elastic around your thigh & snap it 10 times because it will give me pleasure for you to hurt yourself for me" (I read that somewhere & it really struck a cord with me). I want a Dom, who will control me, that will listen to me, who will let me be sassy but will NOT let me be a brat. A Dom who knows, who he is and what he wants, and is not afraid to go out there and get it.

My inner-sub is screaming for this. I want to be owned, to be possessed. I long to be pleasing, to be used, as a fucktoy, as a friend, as a pet. All the time .. in all things and not just in the bedroom. It's kind of like it's all or nothing.

I think sometimes what I am looking for is unattainable. But then I take to blogland & I read. There are Doms that I really look up to & say yes, that's what I am talking about!!! And I read subs' blogs .. some are married, some are single, some are poly, some are slaves. And I envy them all! *grins* .. they have what I want! But I admire them as well ... they have what I want!

So is what I am looking for unattainable?? NO!!! ... I was told by a friend to not settled for anything less than what I want. HE IS OUT THERE .. my Dom. And he is brilliant, he is funny, he is kind, he is cruel, he is strong, he is commanding, he is sweet, he is demanding, he is .. everything. And he will set this little inner-subbie free!