Sunday, September 29, 2013

Letting the Inner Demon Speak

There have been alot of posts in the past couple of months about self-image, both from women's perspectives & men's.

It all started for me with this post that Dauntless Vitality put up in the spring ...
http://adauntlessjourney.blogspot.ca/2013/04/inner-beauty-and-self-image.html

I watched that video many many times and all I could think of was "wow ... I  could NEVER even subject myself to that at all" .. not EVER!  Describe myself & let somebody draw what I see? I would run out of that room ... probably pulling my hair out & screaming as I went. Seriously.

This is me:



This is what I see when I look in the mirror:



actually probably worse than that. And as they say .. you can't fix ugly. 

I don't know why I am the way I am & I have been like this forever. Oh sure people can say, and have said that I am exaggerating or it's not that bad but that little voice that lives so very deep inside me says ... "nope, don't listen to them .. you are gross, you are unworthy, you are a LOSER"

I have gotten better over the years. I lead a pretty happy life. It's kind of ironic ... I hate mirrors & I absolutely HATE getting my picture taken. I especially see photos of me & I say "who the fuck is that pigdog????" ...But I digress ... 2 years ago today, I started trooping with my Star Wars group & have had my picture taken probably thousands of times now. And I don't actually hate it .. and I can actually look at some of those pictures & while always criticizing, I can actually say "hmmm, not bad" It has definitely been a positive experience & I am actually learning to "work" the camera. But then again .. it's not really "me" posing is it. 

Why am I telling you all this? Well I am not really telling you ... this is the very first time I have ever made myself really think about it ... commit it to written word & who knows maybe even perform a little exorcism? I am impressed because usually when I let the demon out & let it control me I usually end up a blubbering idiot. The demon is mean and the demon takes great pleasure in watching me self-destruct. Over the years, the demon in me as made me do bad things to myself. First. I was drunk for 5 years straight ..  yes 5 years. I am very surprised I didn't turn into an alcoholic!!! Those were very bad years ... the demon ran rampant throughout my life. I was locked away deep inside myself. Nobody knew me .. not at all. I was drunk & I slept with just about any man who would take me (drunk of course). My self esteem was non-existent in those 5 years. I abused my body in so many ways. *sighs* I wonder how I lived thru it all. 

It took me another 20 years, the real me locked away deep inside. I didn't live ... I existed. I was never happy and I was in denial. The demon still ruled my life. I had score upon score of bad relationships .. including a brief marriage (which I agreed to because I figured I was already 28 & who else would want me? - sad but true). 

And then 2 years ago (it's my anniversary) I had my first official troop with my Star Wars people. And 4 months after that I finally got rid of my last bad relationship (I swore that I would never settle again) and I started to live. I mean for the first time in my life, at 45 years old, I was living as me. What a feeling! And then this year's introduction to this lifestyle has been mind blowing. 

The inner demon is still there & still causing havoc with my self-esteem, but most of the time I can squash it done! Not always though. It won out for awhile after Naughty Prince Charming. I miss him, he was a good friend. I am still not sure why he decided to try to take it a step farther. We were doing not bad, even though my Demon kept telling me that NPC was way too good for me, out of my league, I dared to hope. But as soon as he asked for my picture, the Demon one. I guess I wasn't his cup of tea .. because that picture pretty much ended it all. *shrug* I can live with that. I am an acquired taste that's for sure. 

I was lucky with My Batman. In all the time, we spent together (only 6 weeks but it was CONSTANT) .. we only ever emailed and he never asked for pictures. When he left ... and we said goodbye, I sent him a link to my facebook page so he could lurk there if he so desired. The demon in me thinks he is very grateful that he dodged THAT bullet of his kittie actually being a pigdog.

But mostly I don't care anymore (or I try very hard). I am what I am ... I can't change that & most of the time I can tell the demon to go fuck itself. I have lost over 60 pounds since I made my self discovery. I will never be beautiful though. But I am a good person and am learning to like myself more everyday. 

I want to thank Dauntless & all the others who have given their opinions about self-image. And I want to especially thank his slut for her honesty and frankness in her posts. She really was the catalyst that inspired me to dig deep and hopefully silence the inner demon once & for all! And maybe even one day I will be able to look in the mirror and now want to spit at what is staring back at me. :D (and I am very happy that I could write this out without crying once!) 




17 comments:

  1. Wow!!! This is impressive. Very proud of you!! You. Are. Amazing!!!!!

    Hugs

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    1. Thank you LMSS .. you have been such an amazing friend ... YOU are amazing!!! :)

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  2. but you are beautiful....hugs

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    1. heh .. thank you hs, I do appreciate the sentiment. But really it is not about that. Poor self imagine & self loathing is such a horrible & destructive thing. Like I said I am way better than I was when I was younger but ...*shrug*

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  3. self image & self loathing is very destructiveable. in all honesty, I really think His humiliation play worked better than He thought, as this last time i started tearing of my clothes without a second thought. Next time, i'm going to take the punishment and tell Him no on the that damn shirt. it's time to take 100% control of my self imagine issue. You, my dear, have helped me as well...thank you.

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    1. Better yet ... Just get rid if that damned shirt! DO IT ... DO IT RIGHT NOW!!

      I am glad that u could help (which makes it worth it cuz I gotta admit I am feeling pretty exposed & vulnerable right now - with that demon screaming into ear!). But you too have been a great help to me as well so I thank YOU!
      Now go burn that fucking shirt'!!!

      (((Hugs)))

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    2. So, I couldn't really write much this morning. Was on my phone and trying to get myself out of the house.

      Anyways, I really hope you writing it out, putting yourself out there helped. I will say, it has helped me, a lot! Not just to Him, but here in blog land as well.

      Oh, I plan on burning that fucking damn shirt, but I want Him to be a part of that. I can't do it without His permission, remember whta happened the last time I disobeyed. Hell no, my clit DOES NOT need tobasco sauce'd anytime soon. LOL

      You did say we are long lost twins, so we will continue to help each other! I have started looking in the mirror daily and compliment myself. Also, I have started working on accentuating the qualities and characteristics, but physical and 'mental' that i love about myself. That has helped me too.

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    3. Yes I guess it has helped .. Putting IT out there. It's not something I have ever shared with anybody. I don't know know to say it out loud seems to validate the demon somehow.

      I am having a pretty emotional day today. A war is raging inside ... I don't know if I am winning or not. I cannot shut the demon up. I can't tell if its a good thing or not that I am at work right now. I have kind of opened Pandora's box within myself! O.O

      But I am glad that it is helpful to you! It is good to know that there are others that have issues within themselves.

      I think that your Sir will gladly help you get rid of that shirt probably with the exclamation "it's about fucking time!!!"

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  4. The honesty that flows from your pen, as well as your scrumptious picture ( meow!) makes this journey full circle. Beautiful both inside and out ;)

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    1. *BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH!!!!*

      Thank you! You are far TOO kind!!!

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    2. The inner demon is being silenced more and more with every post....One can only hope the next selfie you post will have you smiling ;)

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    3. Wow .. glad one of us thinks so O.o

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  5. I can't add anything else to what everyone above has said except *hug*

    Getting "IT" out there is the first step to letting "IT" go.

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  6. Because I am who I am...

    Lovely, I would do you. :D Without a second thought.

    I can just imagine a brilliant smile flashing with twinkling eyes. Because that's the true you, not the one upset when a camera comes out.

    Who you are is far more important than what you look like. And I may war with my own demons concerning self-image, so I can say with total honesty: Everything about you is attractive.

    All of it, your mistakes, your triumphs make you the person you are today. A glorious and wonderful person. ^_^

    *hugs*

    ~JAS

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    1. Awww JAS .. that's so sweet - not really into women but .. ;)

      Seriously though ... it's more than looks, it's all those feelings of self-hatred and not being worthy, or deserving of happiness, and all sorts of evil, that even though you know are not right .. that fucking demon is right there in your ear telling you ... worthless, stupid ... loser! ...
      Oh my! That just sort of came out of nowhere!
      I might revisit this topic again & delve more into the fuck up ways the demon thinks.
      Thanks so much JAS .. I do KNOW that you have your own demons as well (although I do believe you are an incredibly strong young woman & you will get there in the end!!!) .. your opinions mean alot!!!!

      (((hugs)))
      gk

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