How Much is Enough??? (final edit - I hope)

This has been a hard post to write because I cannot seem to get the words right ... so I am pretty much gonna wing it (don't I always)

I think that I have already established that I am a very emotional creature. I live by my emotions .. good or bad. I wear them on my sleeve.

If I think too much ... that's usually when I get myself into trouble & that negative little fucktard demon really invades my head (and yes it's way worse than what I stated in the other post). So I try to to over think things.

And I have been honest about being emotional ... first with Former D and then right on down the line.

I just don't know ... maybe I am too emotional to be a submissive? It is my understanding that "the gift of submission" is giving the body, mind & soul. But maybe that is too much?????

So how much of yourself do you give & when? It seems to me .. in my experience is the Dom wants it all and NOW.

From what I understand about D/s, Doms (okay sorry not all "Doms" just the really good ones) are very good at nurturing the soul of their submissive & taking care of them. I have absolutely no complaints there ... but what's a sub suppose to do when she has given all that is asked of her & so much more (being that she wears her emotions so openly) and then the Dom is done with her???

Does it hurt as much for the Dom? Does it hurt for them to breath? Or can they justify it? Well I did all I could when I was with her so my job is done? ... NEXT!

And other subs? How do you cope? There is so much time, effort & emotion that is brought into these D/s relationship ... they are way more intense than most vanilla out there ... it's in the very nature.

But what about when it ends? Then what???? Nobody ever talks about that. 

Now I am at a crossroads.

 I don't have that desperate need that I had before when Former D first left & I was so lost in a strange new world but ... 

 I am in limbo .. not ready to move forward but don't want to get stuck dwelling in the past either.

 I don't know if I can be that open & honest & too emotional person, that  "amazing" sub, again because I just don't know if I can handle being hurt anymore.

 Forget about the crazy roller coaster ride. I do believe that I am submissive but nature & I do believe once you go down that path there is no turning back ... 

But what do I do now????

Maybe I should go back to vanilla? No. 

Maybe I should try to become a "bottom" ... a kinkster?

Go to the play parties, because a social butterfuly, be "used & abused" by whoever wants (mutual agreement of course) ... don't get "involved" with any one person ... 

You know ... have fun!!

I would like to try that but .... 

it's NOT in my nature -  I am an emotional creature

*sighs* 

NOTE -  I was really not happy with the first (and second) post. It didn't really say what I intended it to say. It is about me & what I am feeling right now. I had no intention of Dom bashing or trying to make somebody else look bad. Anyway, after sleeping on it & thinking it over .. the original post just did not give me a warm & fuzzy feeling. Hopefully after this edit ... it conveys more of what I was trying to say. ... Or I might just take it down completely. (Welcome to my tangled mind)