It still seems like yesterday, since the end of the Batman.
I wish to Gods, I could just forget him. And no, I do NOT want to feel this way. I do NOT like feeling this way - hung up on somebody who doesn't give two flying fucks about me.
I am not doing it on purpose .. I am really really not. I just can't help it.
At least it is not all doom & gloom. I have SafeD to play with (soon I hope). And I am meeting new people all the time. There are even some possiblities looming in the mist.
But he was my Batman. And the connection was so strong & so real & so .... well, it's not likely I will ever feel something like that again. Yes yes I know ... plenty of fish & all that nonsense. "Just get over it already, Kittie!!!!" You will just have to trust me ... 46 (almost 47) years of my life. That's how long it took me to find that one person that checked off all the boxes ... not long at all *rolls eyes*
I am not saying that I loved him ... I hardly even know what that really means. I have never really been "in love" before ... I have said the words & they have been said back to me. I have been in long term relationships before & hells I was even married once ... for a minute (okay a year & a half but whatever).
There has been nothing compared to this. Which is totally fucking stupid to my logical side. How can I feel this way about somebody who I had never even met & I don't even know what he looks like (not that that matters to me in the slightest - just making a point). Have I regressed so far from reality??? o.O
But I cannot help the way I feel. It is who I am & what I do. And I have NEVER even remotely felt like this before ... EVER.
And holy fuck ... we have been apart twice as long as we were together. How sad am I???
Really though .. I am moving ... ever forward. Keeping an open mind and all that rot. I am not completely pathetic. I am happy in the rest of my life. I have good friends & family & I social & active. I am living my life & I will continue to explore all life throws my way but ...
I will never forget & will always regret.
maybe instead of trying to justify, and deny, and forget, and think about why you are the way you are, how about you accept that it was all the things it was... and cherish the experience and whatever lessons it taught you, and forgive yourself a little. don't be too harsh on yourself - i hear kitties are sensitive creatures. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteMaybe I am just an idiot. It's not the past that I mourn so much as the future that, no matter how I look at it, no matter how much time goes by, was the one that was meant to be. Too bad he, although agreed that I was probably right, lacked the strength of heart to accept the challenge. *shrug* whatever though ... like I said ... I am marching ever forward. Kitties are sensitive idiots that way. :)
Deletewell, i hate it when they're dumb and don't rise up to the challenge and becos of that WE suffer. Believe me i've had those same thoughts. i end up wailing that "he's a dumbass and *I* have to pay for it??"
Deletebut yeah. life sucks that way. here's some milk. or wine, if you prefer. alcohol is a wonderful way to pass the time and numb the pain. *shhhh don't tell bikss i said that.*
Shhhh .. I am still hungover from the night out at Mr Leather (3 weeks ago) ... but thanks ... you are absolutely right though.
DeleteBut it is what it is & there isn't a damned thing I can do but keep trudging on.
Thank you for all your kind words Fondles .. they mean alot!!! (especially the wine) ;)
(((hugs)))
Hi GK,
ReplyDeleteCatching up of your blog..first very happy your dad is OK. About The Batman, I'm sure it's not the case he doesn't give flying f's about you. While you are not in contact anymore, I'm sure the experience was special for you both. I think Fondles had a perfect response. I hope you find what you need and deserve,
TB
REALLY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! >:(
DeleteUmmm, errr, thank you for your comments. I hope they made YOU feel better.
Delete((hugs)) .... today, I give hugs and a shoulder to lean on..sometimes, we just need to be allowed to feel the way we feel....regardless if right or wrong, at this exact moment it is right .... ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteahhh thanks Doll .... I REALLY REALLY needed that. :')
ReplyDeletetomorrow IS another day! (thank the maker!)
(((hugs)))
I don't think this kind of stuff is logical or has expiration dates. You need to feel how you feel and you should never feel bad about it.
ReplyDeleteI do hope today is a better one for you.
lots of hugs,
aurora
*sighs* I know .. I wish there was an on/off switch though, really! Or a circuit breaker I can short out!
DeleteBut yes today was a better day ... nothing like tripping over a cat, falling down stairs & slip sliding in the first snow of the year to put a smile on your face! .. I am actually being serious too .. scary! I love the first snow (and no freezing rain) :D
Thanks Aurora!!! :D