The Thing About Sir

I have spent my entire adult life with the military, 24 years as a solider/sailor (yes I was both) and the past 5 years as a civilian. "Sir" should be (and is for the most part), second nature to me. The problem with that is the matter of "respect"

In the military, officers are called Sir or Ma'am as a mark of respect. Respect for the rank or the "commission". Very rarely is that respect extended to the person wearing that rank. Sad fact is, most officers are a joke. Idiots. Arrogant fucks hardly deserving of such respect.

When it comes to BDSM and D/s, it's hard for me. I cannot just call anybody Sir ... it's like my military days .. it just doesn't mean anything. 

Most people are cool with that. I find that, the type of Doms I like & follow, ... do not want you to call them Sir or they at least respect the fact that you don't want to call them Sir. That you reserve the right to save it for your Dom or the Dom of your choosing (mythical in my case, of course :P  ) 

I have a friend that I email/text with regularly. When we first started to talk .. he said something to the effect ... You're pretty cool. I am not even too mad that you don't call me by my PROPER TITLE. 

HA!!! I disabused him of THAT notion pretty quickly and luckily he "understood" and we have since become good friend. 

Others, well, if they don't like it ... not my problem.

But still, there are a couple of Doms out there .. both on blogger & tumblr, that I do have mad respect for and I can't help but think of them as Sir. There are not many that I do hold above most others but there are a couple. I do not really talk to them so it's not an issue. I consider these Doms as almost gurus, high priests of Dom-dom almost.
And they will even say, "I am not your Dom, you do not have to address me as such" (said in the nicest way possible)
 MAD RESPECT.

When MyBatman laid down that "first order" as my Dom "I think maybe I want you to go upstairs ...." , my immediate reaction was 

O.O .. WOW! 

Yes Sir!!! 

There was no hesitation ... my mind just immediately went there. That had never happened before. The subbie in me just woke up & snapped to attention!!! (mind you there had been an incorrigible amount of flirting & innuendo between us, leading up to that moment) It was a defining moment. The first time (and only time) that I just went there. Sir just slipped out of my mouth, naturally (well out of my computer, technically) 

And now, being back in communication with FormerD, it posses an interesting dilemma for me (and probably the whole basis of this post). The night we had our long talk, he "laid down the law" 

"no more FormerD, little one. I have earned the respect & now expect it" 

I understand where he is coming from, I really do .. I get it. But I am finding it so hard. He is NOT my Dom anymore, & although I will gladly (hopefully) submit to him anytime (soon please), it is difficult to wrap my head around calling him Sir again. 

I don't mean any disrespect by it but I guess I am probably at my least submissive self right now. And it's hard to call somebody Sir who is not my Dom. Even MyBatman stopped being Sir the day he stopped being my Dom. 

SafeD says he has not "earned the title Sir" .. in referring to some ancient BDSM/Leather Community ritualistic protocol that I couldn't even begin to understand. The more I see him on our "coffee dates" the harder I find to picture him as this big bad sadist - OH, I KNOW it's there but until I get to see it .. it's just a big old blank. And I have no idea what I will be expected to call him either. Totally different experience being bottom to a top (or masochist to a sadist) versus a sub to a Dom.

And then there is Maverick. He has not come out & said call Me Sir .. but it is hanging in the air. I think he just expects it from everybody, he doesn't demand it but still he expects it. 

I  have done so tho, called him Sir ... a couple of times, but more because I didn't know what else to call him & there seems to warrant a name calling at the point in the particular conversation. 

 We have not exchanged names in our little "chats"  &  I usually avoid calling him anything. 

~~~~~

Just a note: 

I have used the term Sir here in this post because it is like the "universal symbol" of Dominants/  but you can easily switch it out to: Master, Boss, Daddy, or any other title of respect. It all amounts to the same thing in context with this post 

(And this concludes another rambling post of the wayward things my mind gets up to when it has too much time on it's hands) 

The Double Standard

Wow, this is the third post I have started today. I am on some kind of a roll here. This one is a bit of a rant though started because of something I saw on Tumblr this morning ... A rant or even a PSA if you will. And I did agree with it 110% but I just had to add my own caveat to it. You can read the post here:

http://geekiekittie.tumblr.com/post/74825493258/thelureoffantasies-ms-woodsworld-i-hate-to

The post was about random men sending sexually explicit messages to female bloggers. BAD! And I agree ... There is something truly awful about some no-name scumbag wanted to tie you up & rape you til you pass out (yes I made that one up).

It's gross. It's creepy. And yes it can even be scary.

 I have been really lucky as I have not every really been targeted like that. But I do have "fun" making these types of creeps feel really really "small"  ... I told one guy on fetlife that he should be the poster child for condoms ... hmm, he didn't really talk to me after that ;)

But no that is not the caveat I added.

I added that it's not just women that are "targeted" by sexual "predictors" quite a few of the Doms I follow also get very highly inappropriate invitations as well. I am very happy to report that they, for the most part, equally disgusted,  by this blatant misconduct, as their female counterparts.

So, anyway, all that got me thinking about all the double standards out there on tumblr, in BDSM, & hells in society in general.

Double standards are a HUGE pet peeve with me.

The worst for me, well there are 2 actually ...

1. "Cock shots"
2. Girl on girl "action"

My dashboard is FULL of women ... Naked, posing, plastic (so hate fake boobs!) or selfies. Probably every 3rd photo is some naked chick.

 Yippee! *rolls eyes*
 yeah yeah ... NEXT!

 I do try to counter by posting alot of males ... posing, naked, selfies ... hopefully none are plastic though! o.O


But the peeve here is that a lot women on tumblr actually get offended by "cock shots" .. Really?!?!?!?
You have just posted half a dozen photos of naked women & the sight of a penis offends you?
Oh what?
You are NOT a lesbian?
You have hundreds of naked barbies on you wall ... but I have a guy with his dick hanging out, on my wall & YOU'RE grossed out???

Riiiiiight .....

There is tumblrette, who has become completely addicted to putting up selfies on tumblr .. *yawns*
She also asks for submissions (people sending pictures to her inbox & she will publish them to her wall)

"but please no cock shots! I like the peni but cock shots are just so icky"

I don't get it.

She is "brave" enough to put up every possible type of selfie - including deep throating a dildo in several homemade videos ...

But when a guy (for whatever reason) wants to free willy for all of tumblrvse to see  .. It's not only icky but creepy as well?!?!? ...

Nope no double standard there!

I actually had a conversation with one of my followers (doesn't that sound so egotistical? - MY followers). He had sent me a message asking if he should put up a selfie ... It was something he really wanted to do but was really shy & scared to do it. (Yup, that's really creepy alright.)

 He didn't want to send it to anybody he just wanted to post a selfie to his own "blog".

*shrug* (this is not something that I have ever encountered before)

I encouraged him to do it because it was something he really wanted to do.
And then he asked if I would go & get them out.
I did & I liked & re blogged (not something I normally do - re blog any selfies).
I even left a couple of comments. I am even happy to report that 2 of the photos did alright making the rounds on tumblr a bit.

So is this creepy?!?!?
It made him happy that he got up the nerve to do it & helped to boost his confidence a bit.
And the fact that several people liked his photos.

Wow .. what a creep! And he is still a hell of a nice guy .. even with his dick sticking out!

I just want to note that I do not like sellfies ... of any kind (tumblr .. facebook .. where ever).
99.999% of the time I think of them as self-indulgent ego stokers .. from both sexes.

But whatever .. to each their own but if Barbie can do in & is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED to do so then you better bet that I will be there rooting on Ken. (of course if the guy IS a creep .. no way but it's usually not to difficult to vet those losers out)

 A lot of the time I believe they are nothing but self-indulgent ego strokers ... Both sexes. But to each their own ... If I get a submission .. If it is a naked woman ... It goes in the trash with a message to the originator saying I am not in to women but thank you. For a guy ... I will usually look to see if he is a follower & what his archive is like. If he is not a follower .. I delete end of story. I will publish the submission if it is "tasteful". I do try to not encourage submissions at all.

Okay  what was my other DS again .. oh yes ... girl on girl action (not to be confused with lesbians &/or bisexuals) ....

It just really irks me to no end how accepted, almost expected in all aspects of life .. that every woman should want to participate!!!

FormerD is big on this .. back in the day (and even now) it was big

"you WILL be made to be with another woman!" 

*raises eyebrow* Really?

The very thought of it is a major turn off for me. I get that some women like it or have their own fantasies but .. that ain't me. I have never been one for "trending".

I was talking to my friend Geeky one day & he was telling me how the "search" was going for a female switch for a threesome with him & his wife.  *sighs*

So I asked one of my favourite questions ..

"What about a threesome with another guy?" 

His response:

"I know it's a double standard but FUCK NO" 

Some guys think it's great for their girlfriends/wives/subs/slaves/whatevers to "fuck around" as long as it's with another woman but no fucking guys can touch her!

Really?
And I will point blank ask a guy the obvious

"why?"

"cuz 2 women are hot .. doing a guy would be gross & no guy gets to touch whats mine"

Really? It's so cliche.

Yeah ... I LOVE this double standard soooo much that I have now even incorporated it into my "hard limits" list ... seriously.

And we can thank FormerD for that.

It is now stipulated that if you REALLY REALLY want to have a threesome with me & another girl then first you have to have a threesome with me, you & another guy ... I don't care how THAT scenario works itself out (although I absolutely LOVE gay porn .. just sayin') but it will happen before I ALLOW myself to be with another woman.

And FormerD's response when I told him:

"you WILL be made to be with another man AND another woman!" 

*groans* (oh well at least HE doesn't care about double standards!)

Fishtails on Monday!!!

You know it is going to be a really bad BAD day when ...

Your bus fishtails on an overpass! I am totally amazed that we

- did not crash into another car,

- did not hit the guard rail & plummet down to the train tracks below

- did not tip over ... Which I really thought we were going to do, especially as my head bounced off the window beside me (never fear both head & window left intact, although I am left with a blazing headache).

Anyway, kudos to the driver .. He saved it ... He didn't panic & literally just drove out of it. We didn't even stop. We're tough Canadians ... Right?!?!

... That was 3 hrs ago .. The snow has sort of stopped now, I think, - it's hard to tell with all blowing snow due to high winds. I have been left as a shaking puddle of goo (no .. Not in a good way), a splitting headache, and ready to admit defeat.

I am in full on winter blues mode .... bored, restless and so depressed.  I am ready ... ready to crawl under my bed & stay there!



... Somebody wake me up in May!!!

Humiliation

I am not really sure why this is on my mind tonight but it is.

I have heard alot of talk about humiliation .. on the blogs, talking with friends, talks with My Batman. FormerD was (and still apparently) big on telling me how he was (will) going to humiliate me.

It's a funny thing "humiliation" . There are some blogs on tumblr. I guess I saw one yesterday that maybe got my brain churning. "All women are objects" is the blog's name and it was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. Oh the pictures aren't bad .. it's the comments. The title of the blog is the most pleasant thing about it. ... disgusting human being. (yes some are into this and that's why, I am not here to judge, I just offer my own opinion as it pertains in my own life)

I am very open minded when it comes to the physical. I don't know. I have been peed on .. twice, used as a foot stool, made to drink out of a Kittie bowl, crawl around on all 4's cuffed & chained. Etc etc. I do acknowledge that I do not have alot of experience within this lifestyle but I am confident in saying that there is not too much I am not unwilling to try .. at least once anyway. (loaded statement I know .. I am sure there is more out there that I have not even heard about before but I am talking about what I do know of)

I do love a good mind fuck ... it will get my heart races & make me all squishy & wet. But words ... words hurt. This is probably where alot of my hard limits would lie.

Maybe it's because I am a very sensitive person .. and very literal. Say hurtful things to me & I WILL take them literally. One thing that has really made it to my hard limits .. something I have talked about to a couple of different people. You can NEVER call me a pig. EVER. I don't care what the context or if it's meant to push my boundaries & maybe break thru barriers. DON'T EVER CALL ME A PIG. My inner demons would eat that shit up & never let me forget it. And I WOULD believe it.

I just couldn't handle it.

In my life .. my vanilla life .. as a child, as a teenager & a young adult .. I have been called a pig, a fat pig in fact, ugly, freak, and a loser more times than I could count. My mother even called me a loser once .. my own mother ... I think I was 14 at the time & was wearing makeup for the first time. Nice.

The me, now, I can & will tell you to fuck off & die .. if you called me anything like that (but my inner demon would be in my ear laughing & saying "see I told you so") ... but for a young shy girl ... man those words HURT!

I have a pretty tough skin .. spending most of my adult life in the military (still very much a "man's" world) .. I had to learn to toughen up & build alot of walls to protect myself.

Anyway, I am not sure why I am writing this .. why now. Bored & trying to ward off the winter blahs? .. .waiting for my life to pick up again ... more than likely. Too much time on my hands & thinking .. always a bad combo for me.

And that tumblr blog ... really hit me. D/s is all about respect and I don't care if you are trying to "perpetuate" a certain image ... a sub is something to be cherished and respected, not to be called fuckmeat & worthless & ... well ... a pig.

*shrugs*

Accurate???

I pulled this off of tumblr ....

CANCER – The Beauty (June 21 to July 22)


MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer’s love is one of a kind… Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An ultimate freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous. Not a fighter, but will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! 

I don't know? Maybe me? Insane? absolutely ... I do see shades of me in there somewhere. 

Retail Therapy

I am bored, I am restless, I am horny. 

Nobody is talking very much or at all .. at the moment. 

I keep dreaming of things I don't want to be dreaming about. 

What's a girl to do??? 

I shopped!!! Retail therapy is such a stereotype but hey ... sometimes it helps. 

This is what I bought ... I love shopping online. 

Did it help? No .. not really .... guess I shall go indulge in some selfies (although bored with those as well) 

  Anyway, here's my loot! Can't wait for it to arrive

I didn't buy any boots though .... yet!!!! (I still haven't worn the all of the 13 pairs I bought last year!!!!) 

GRRRRRRR!!!!!

I have been trying really hard to move forward with my life. I have been making a concerted effort to get over the past & get out there. I have been meeting lots of new people, I have been getting reacquainted with old "friends". I am moving on. Right????

And then I get plagued with dreams. For over 2 weeks now I have been having dreams of him. Like the one I posted yesterday. They are not all tea & roses though. Most of the time they end up fucked up & wake me up in the middle of the night. Like the one I had last night.

 I had a bad one, the night I ended up talking to FormerD all night. I could overlook that one, mostly, because well, I was talking to FormerD all night. 

But come on really???  I don't want this. It's been almost 5 months for fuck sake! 

Is it my subconscious, not willing to let go?  I don't understand this at all. I was doing so well, trying so hard. 

I really want to move past this. I want to be happy. I really do. I do! Because let me tell you ... it really sucks to be hung up on & mooning over somebody that doesn't want you. 

And I really fucking HATE IT! 

Perfectly

You are sitting in your lazy boy watching your stupid baseball. I lean against the wall leading into the living room, just watching you. You look up & our eyes meet. Small smiles acknowledging each other. There are no words, we don't need them. I walk to where you are & crawl into your lap. Your arms engulf me as I rest my head against your shoulder.  You kiss my forehead & I nuzzle into your neck. And there we sit just watching the game. Perfectly happy. Perfectly content ... just to be.

(the dream I had Tuesday night)

.. Just Sayin'

I REALLY MISS THESE!! 

"There is another"

Title quote: Yoda from Empire Strikes Back   :P

I do have one other Tumblr .. "interest". This one is NOT "tumblr famous" at least as far as I can tell anyway. Not that I care but I was just amused the reaction I got yesterday about tumblr famous.

He intrigues me.

I shall need to give him a name ... I want to call him "scruffy looking  nerd herder" but maybe Captain Solo but be better. I am still working on it. *giggles*

Anyway, he started messaging me just before Christmas. He drives me crazy ... constantly teases me about the whole Star Wars thing.

Which is fine. BRING IT!  You'll never win a Star Wars "war" against me but you'll have fun trying.

But what is so maddening is that he will say something flilrty or sweet or some such thing. And I will respond in kind .. then nothing ... ziltch. And I won't hear from him again for awhile.

(I have a rule that I don't message anybody unless they message me first ... conversely if they don't respond to something I send them, I won't send a follow up message) 

He pretty much remains a big old mystery to me ... I like that though. It's an adventure

I do imagine he is probably married or otherwise engaged. Just another guy on tumblr looking to relieve the mundane of everyday life maybe? I don't know why I know this ... it's just a hunch.

It will probably never reach beyond mild flirty & SW teasing but that's okay .. I am having fun with it. And it sure as hell beats alot of the creepers that are out there.

Meanwhile In Never Never Land

There is nothing new to report on the FormerD front ... We are in a holding pattern there.

But I am not here to talk about that. It will be what it will be.

There is a Dom on tumblr ... I have not talked about him because really, I am not sure what to say ...

He started following me very early in my tumblr days ... I would call him tumblr famous even. Anybody who frequents tumblr ... even  as a lurker would know who he is.  I am not going to call him by his tumblr name though. Henceforth he shall be known as Maverick.

He reminds me of Eddie Murphy from Delirious ... There is a part where he describes the glories of fame:

Women are always throwing pussy at me. Here's a pussy, have a pussy .., thank you thank you, thank you for the pussy. There is so much pussy it is falling out of my pockets ...

Anyway, that's what it is like for Maverick ... Women are constantly & literally throwing themselves at him .. Of course 99.999% if them do it anonymously!

Not me though ... I would never through myself at anybody ... Ever! And even if I were to send a message to Maverick or anybody else on tumblr .. I would NEVER do it as a gray face. Why hide it?

Anyway, I digress ....

Maverick sent his first message to me way back when ... I am not even sure, ... September more than likely. I can't remember what it said (and it would take forever to go back thru my messages & try to find it) but it gave me a little thrill that is for sure. I was kinda starstruck, I admit .... I couldn't believe he followed my blog let alone was asking ME a question (it was probably more of a statement)! I think we might have had a little conversation back & forth but then I figured he got bored & went back to all the pussy being thrown his way.

A couple of weeks later he sent another message.

Send me a picture ... I am naughty like that! 

WHOA! I didn't want to be rude so I politely declined saying that I don't do pictures.

And that was that ....

I think the next was the beginning of November maybe?

Stop it! You're blog is ridiculous! I am TRYING to work here!   - It was 4am!

He actually posted this & my response to his wall ... then I got all blushy etc etc. But by then I had a little bit more confidence with being more relaxed when talking to him ... yes I was still pretty starstruck. It wasn't too long after that, we started to kik .

I am NOT a fan of chatting or messaging or whatever the kids are calling it these days. I am a really bad multi-tasker or a really good one (depends on your perspective). As I am writing this .. I have 2 different email accounts, facebook, my SW forum, blogger & tumblr all going on ... oh am I am having my usual ongoing "chat" with my Brat (it hasn't ended in almost 2 years this chat).   I find having multiple chats going on too distracting.

I created a kik account in late October maybe .. to talk to this guy on tumblr .. meh. He was the only contact I had in there. So anyway, Maverick & I established a kik chat. I thought cool ... cuz I really would love to get inside this guy's head. I do find him utterly fascinating & that's just by what he posts on his blog. So I was happy to get to know him.

Except .. after maybe 5 - 10 minutes of talking back & forth .. he reverts to one syllable answers, yes, no ... I ask questions, make comments, anyway to try to find my way in ... to get that dialogue going .... I didn't have much luck & eventually he just sort of drifted away. *sighs* oh well  ... it was fun while it lasted ...

Guess he wasn't interested.

Then the morning of my Dad's surgery ... really early, I was just getting out of bed. There was that familiar ping from my phone. Hmmmm ...

Do you like my hat? 

HOLY HANNA! I'M AWAKE!!!!  He sent me a picture .. of his hat ... of his strategically placed hat!!!!!  (I was going to post part of the picture up but really it's not mine to post here or anywhere else) ... we'll just say YUMMMMMM & leave it at that. ;)

"That's a fine hat!"  

*smiley face* 

And that completed THAT particular conversation.

That is pretty much what it has been like since. He will send me a message sometimes every day sometime every couple of days ...  usually it is hearts & kissy faces ... sometimes it's pictures. His "Christmas card" was quite ... O.O   .. he likes to strategically place "things" ... Once it was a picture of chicken, jalapenos etc .. he was gonna "own my kitchen" & cook ... another time it was some sketches he was working on for a commission ... there were even photo shoot photos of him in a suit ... links to something particular on his blog that I hadn't "liked" yet .... yesterday's ...

He is completely random ... I cannot figure him out ... at all. It has driven me slightly mad .. of course he just "smiled" when I told him that. 

I don't understand why he keeps doing it ... he has pussy being thrown at him left, right & centre. He IS poly and has .. well, we will just say more than one sub (it is the one conversation we have had .. what being poly means to him). 

So why me? And is this some sort of test??? Contact her & often .. but don't say "anything" ... What's the point? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Is he just bored? Does he want to drive me crazy? Does he want friendship? Does he want more? 

I KNOW he's not shy & I KNOW he loves to talk ... so why won't he talk to me? Even when it's always him that starts the "conversation?" 

And the more he does it .. the more I am fascinating, frustrated, intrigued, determined, put off, pissed off, drawn in, sucked in, confused, amused and as always .. just a little star struck. 

In Living Colour

Gods it's so quiet. Time is just dragging on.

I woke up Tuesday morning at 4am (normal), hopped out of bed thinking I can have a smoke & then come back to bed .. cuz you know it's Saturday! *sighs* that bubble burst pretty quick!!! :'(

I don't really have too much to write about. Nothing is happening.

SafeD & I finally went for coffee after work yesterday. It's the first I have seen him since before Christmas. He is like me ... grumbling & bitching about the weather. There were even a couple of days that we didn't send each other an email.

"You & I still need to play you know" ... well duh! We can never seem to get our timings down but whatever.

I haven't heard from FormerD since Sunday. I wasn't expecting to but I expect I shall hear from  him soon.

I started taking Vitamin D this week .. hopefully it will help with the winter blahs. So far, it's not working.

We are trooping tomorrow .. I am looking forward to that because it's been about 6 weeks since my last troop. Yes it's just like withdrawals! I NEED IT!

I need physical contact too. Maybe that's why I am so keen for the reunion special with FormerD. We know each other already, we trust each other already, we like each other already. We still have great chemistry. We just have to make it happen.

I never really appreciated just how much I missed that .. the actually physical contact. I haven't had a really good .. what's the word?? ... I guess scene since he left. The others were nothing in comparison.

Of course I do NOT include My Batman in that sentiment. He was a class unto himself. But it was different wasn't it? We had to rely on communication .. that's really the only choice we had. And it was fantastic, don't get me wrong. But it was selfies, he directed & I acted, & no matter how amazing it was, now more than anything, I NEED to feel the physical.

Skin on skin, scent, his scent filling my nostrils & staying there for hours afterwards. I need to get lost in those mischievous eyes. FormerD can make my body sing, like nobody's business.

I look forward, in high anticipation for that time, which is coming soon. When I shall again feel the kiss of FormerD's flogger on my body .... scream out No as he forces orgasm after orgasm from me. Watch him as he withers & moans as my mouth, tongue & hands worship him in the ways I know that he loves. I NEED THIS!

Ultimately FormerD cannot give me what I really need, what I really want. And he is not free to be who he truly is. We both know this to be true.

But we can each fill the void that we have both been missing.

I have no idea what is in store of us & right now I don't really care. We will have our reunion though .. this is fact.

And it will be enough .. more than enough, for both of us .... for now.

Woke Up from a Nightmare ........

I have not been sleeping well ... for about the past month or so. It's typical for when I am sick.

Tonight I went to bed after the Golden Globes & woke up at about 1230 ... great 90minutes of sleep. I had a dream ... it wasn't really a nightmare .. it actually started out quite nice then turned freaky weird. Anyway, I wake up & if I don't stay awake for about 15 minutes I will literally fall right back into the same dream (does that happen to people or is it just me?) 

So I did what I always do ... tumblr. *giggles* It helps take my mind off the dream. 

Anyway, ironically the dream was about My Batman .. I haven't had a dream about him in a long while. And it was vivid ... I can still remember everything so clearly & it's been about 3 hours. I saw ironically because while I was lost in the tumblrvse my computer PINGED at me very loudly! It literally made me jump. Low & behold, FormerD was messaging me!!!!! Funny how that works! 

We finally talked ... we actually just finished talking, about 20 minutes ago. 

He had lots of questions, mostly about what I had wrote to him in that email. He was very upset that I went thru the Sub Drop after he left & he wished he had of known. I assured him that I have never blamed him for that & I would have never (obviously cuz I didn't) tried to have contacted him. And that I "sought help" and started the blog. 

And we caught up .. I told him about My Batman .. not in alot of detail but enough for him to know how special that was for me etc etc. 

It was really nice to not have to rush thru cuz he had to go. 

And I asked him, how things had been for him & that I truly hoped that he was happy in his family life. But I also asked him how he was handling not being able "let the kink out" so to speak. 

That's where things got complicated. He says that on many occasions he has wanted to contact me, to see me, to set up a play date. But he wouldn't do it because "I can't give you what you need" ... apparently he did see the somebody else that he had played with before me but for whatever reason he did not keep that up. (yes I was a little miffed about that!). But mostly, because he feels he cannot be the Dom a sub needs .. he has been stifling the need. 

Of course, we all know where that leads the conversation. We spent the next 3 hours talking about possibilities ... wants, needs, the past.

Did we resolve anything? 

Yes & no.

Is it very complicated?

Extremely. 

Do I know what is going to happen? 

Possibly. 

All I know for a fact is that we both still want each other.

(that was a big surprise to me actually!)

He says I would only have to submit to him when we are together .. which would be rarely. But I know him well, he wants more than he can have .. he wants it all. This is something he is going to have to work out for himself. I cannot help him there. Who knows, I will probably end up making it worse. 

I know what I want. I want it all and he cannot give it to me (not unless he wishes to totally fuck up his life & I would not ask him to do that). 

I will keep doing what I am doing though .... meeting new people, meeting new Doms ... seeing what is out there is this big wild kinky world. There are two Doms on tumblr that I chat with sporadically ... there is potential out there. 

But FormerD ... who laid down the law tonight .. "No more .. insert name here .. little one. I think I have earned that respect" ... *rolls eyes* in the end, after explain that I ONLY call MY Dom Sir, but since he is FormerD, I would make an exception just for him. ;) 

We were good together & it gives me something physical again. Somebody I trust ... somebody who is not sexually disappointing (like the others I have been with). 

Maybe I am just being lazy. 

There are still so many ifs & maybes ... still more questions than answers. But the desire is still there ... the need is still there .. that chemistry. 

I am a firm believer that you can never go backwards, but in this case I don't think I am going backwards. It's more like a continuance. I am a very different person than that shy, scared "innocent" that was introduced to this lifestyle a year ago. I am stronger than I was ... I have a much better understanding of what to expect & what is expected. (I kind of chuckle now because at this time last year I was thinking I found this really great new "boyfriend" & now I am thinking FormerD might need a name change on here). 

He knows about SafeD as well and that I still intend to have that play date .... sometime, maybe. I will have to fill SafeD in on all the latest developments as well. 

So now I go get ready for work .. .after 90 minutes of sleep (hours ago) and lots to think about. 

Better this way????

It's been a week since I have heard from FormerD. This would not actually be unusual back in the day. His life is very full. He might still contact me ... or not.

Now that the dust has settled & the excitement of hearing from him has past, it is probably (logically) a good thing that I haven't heard from him. I am thinking that maybe he is feeling the same way.

It was very evident, talking with him last week that the chemistry that we shared is still very strong. And it was also very evident that he has missed invoking his Dominant nature. It has been said many times & in many different ways, that once you go down this path, it is very hard to turn back.

I had wanted to "talk" to FormerD for so long now. I wanted to show him everything that had happened since he had gone ... to show him the "monster" that he created :)   ... and to thank him. I figured it had been a year & I had been reflecting, so I wrote that email. I don't regret it in the least. I truly think that he had a right to now .. and it was kind of like closure, maybe. I never expected the reaction I got. I was very surprised & certainly not "unhappy" about it. 

He was very surprised to receive that email .. so random & out of the blue (I am bad for that). But he was happy for it though .. and happy for me .. "I saw it .. you always had it in you!"

I don't know if I would have the strength of heart to deny him, if we ever do "find the time" to get together and "chat". The chemistry is so strong. And we were so good together .. and that was me, not having embraced my submissiveness ... I can't even imagine what it would be like now! *sighs*

But I need more than he can give me and I know that he needs more than he can give. I have realized that I am very needy & selfish. I think at best he could only be my "part time Dom" and I would spend more time waiting for him then anything.

 It's a dangerous game ... to be with a married man. (I have done it before .. when I was young & stupid & vanilla). The potential for hurting other people is great. I don't want to be the cause of pain for anybody, ever. But, I have come to realize in the past year though, that when it comes to this lifestyle ... there is no judgement. A Dominant & a submissive have core needs that transcend the foundation of vanilla life. And if he needed (needs) me ... well, I don't think I would/could deny him.

I have often wondered if FormerD was happy in the constraints that he put himself in. I have honestly wished nothing but the best for him during these long months since he went back to his wife. I had hoped that he had found a happiness that he deserved and that he could live without TTWD. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe he had been just fine until my email and I re-opened that need. I hope I didn't do that. I didn't mean to.

I did ask him but he would only say "let's save it until we can talk in person" ... typical. He has such great distrust in the internet.

A really big part of me WANTS to have that chat ... but a really big part of me is terrified of it as well.

So yes, maybe just maybe ... things are better left the way they are.

The Long Hard Winter

Wow, we are not even halfway thru January. So far it's been a miserable existence.

I am exhausted .. It's all I can do to go to work. I am consumed with it. I literally passed at for 2 hours last night ... In my chair ... At my computer desk. I woke up & had a smoke & went to bed. ... Fun times.

I have not heard from FormerD since Saturday .. Who knows, I probably won't. *shrugs* probably better that way. I need the one thing he can't give me ... Time & attention - wait, that's 2 things .. Whatever.

SafeD ... *shrug* someday ... I'm sure ... Maybe

Maybe I need a good "tune up" but I am too tired to care. A good session with a flogger sounds pretty good.

No?

That's ok too

All I want to do is sleep anyway.

Yes I do blame the weather. It's been nothing but shit ... Everyday. Deep freeze & then warm up for a day so it can freeze rain & then go right back to deep freeze again! Tomorrow +5 & all day rain. Fuck you Mother Nature. It will be another day for narcotics because it will be yet another migraine.

The fibro is kicking my ass ... More than it has in a very long time. I don't want to do anything but sleep. Yet it feels like I haven't slept in days. Now I have to fight off the inevitable depression that always accompanies this.

So far I am losing the battle. My GIVE A FUCK FACTOR .. Is pretty much gone.

I have no motivation & I don't care.

I have made a dr appointment but it is not for another 10 days. I have started taking vitamin D

Til then ... I will be under my rock ... Sleeping.

(I am sorry for being such a downer ... I will try not to post anymore til I come out on the other side of this!)

Yes, there IS a difference!

.. between sexting and ldr. I have been getting alot of requests to play lately.

Mr Hockey & a few random strangers want me to sext.

cups your breasts as I feel your ass grind on my cock :p


compared to

you can take off your collar to sleep...you must remain in your ankle cuffs until morning....chained...your task at work tomorrow....one clamp on each pussy lip and nipple for 5 minutes....have a good night pet... :D

Both done over email ... neither are in person or "in real life" but 

one is really kinda creepy & gross .. perverted. It is not not real & the very thought of it made my skin crawl. 

The other .. was more real than most relationships I have ever had. It was very real, & hot. It did not make my skin crawl ... but it did give me goose bumps & made me very, perpetually wet. 

Anyway, ...  just sayin' 

Does anybody else see the difference as well? Or am I just being weirder than normal?

(yes I am bored & I am sick again!) *sighs*

... Just Sayin'

One good thing about being a single sub ....

I can cum whenever I want!

.... Happy Sunday! 

xoxoxoxo

Confessions

Way back in September I was pretty fucked up. Things had ended with My Batman & I was reeling with my loss. I was frantic & I was stupid. And I lied to you any blogger friends.

I fabricated a story, in some fool attempt to try to make My Batman jealous and I made 4 blog posts about it! I know ... STOOPID!

There was no meet up with FormerD ... I have not seen him since he left .. way back in April! We did talk briefly in October when I sent him an email. It was the 6th month mark of our last time together. I am kind of obsessed with dates ... I am weird like that. And he replied ... Saying he was glad to hear from me & that he was good ... "Dedicated" to his family. And I was happy for him. Life goes on. :)

So I do apologize for my deceit. I have hence removed the posts but I wanted to come clean.

DAGNABBIT! This honesty crap is killing me!!! (Not really but yeah I am really embarrassed by my actions)

So why confess? Hmm... Can I blame the fibro?!?!?!? ... I kid! It's that damned honesty thing again!

Well, tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of meeting FormerD (he sent me an eye catching message on POF) ... And me neon stupid about dates, sent another email the other day.

For a long time now (literally since the beginning of my blog,) I wanted to tell him .. Well everything. About what I have been learning, about the lifestyle .. About myself ... Everything.

So I did. It was a very long email. I described the horrible abyss I had found myself in, shortly after he left & how I turned to my "mentor" out of desperation & how I was shown the way out of the abyss & back on the path. And I told him about the subsequent sub frenzy I went into after that. And my discovery that not all "Doms" are created equal. And that I cannot submit to just anybody.

And I told him (although not in depth cuz the email was already long enough!) about my time with My Batman.

And I also thanked him ... For introducing me to this lifestyle & for showing me just how beautiful D/s could be.

I was very clear that I did not write this email with any ulterior motives. I had just really wanted to answer his oft asked question "Do you think BDSM is for you?" And in some weird way, for a long time, I have felt that he had a right to know about "the monster" HE had created.

Then I wished him nothing but happiness for him & his family. I hesitated for a few minutes before I hit send but I REALLY wanted to tell him, so badly ... I said to myself .. It is now or never & I hit send!

That was Thursday morning. I was jumpy all day. I KNEW that he would respond to that email but I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I was really worried that he would be mad at me & basically tell me to leave him the fuck alone, once in for all! My best case scenario was that he would very casually say "that's great, precious ... I am glad you had such fond memories & I am glad that you were able to work out all your troubles. Good luck .. I hope you find what you are looking for! Goodbye"
(Yes I pretty much thought that out word for word)

Regardless .. I was waiting for his email response ... I never got one!

But later that night ... I was, I don't know, putting laundry away I guess, when there was a very specific chime from my computer. Something I hadn't heard in months .... I got a message on google chat. I only have 1 person (well 2 actually but the second one does not count) .. on chat. FormerD!!!!!

He was messaging me!!! My heart skipped a beat. I was almost afraid to read it ... almost. He was telling me he got my "wonderful email" and he would come back on later to chat with me!!! O.O  .. but he was rushing & couldn't chat. But he said my email was "lovely" and he thanked me. I got all blushy and said I just really wanted him to know & he then said he was glad that I told him.  .... then he said he would try to be online later.

He didn't come back (this is not unusual). But that little maybe 5min exchange, freaked me out! I never EXPECTED that reaction to my email. Honestly.  I am still kinda shocked over it.

I spent all day Friday wondering about his reaction. What it meant .. did it mean anything? It just freaked me out.

Last night I watched for me. But maybe he wouldn't come back online? Maybe whatever it was, he thought better of it??? It's like watching the kettle boil! So I kept myself distracted .. pretty much convinced that Thursday night was a one off.

When he did come online ... he didn't speak to me. I wasn't going to be the one to send the first message either. It was maddening. After about 15 minutes he finally sent a greeting & for the first time ever .. he called me by my real name!!!!! O.O

Again it was "I am in a rush" ... I am leaving shortly to see my brothers. *sighs* Okay.

"Are  you going to be home?"  Ummm ...!!!!!

And he said he would try to come over to "talk" but if he wasn't here by midnight to go to bed.

WHA?????  THIS was ever more unexpected than chatting with him!!!

He didn't show & I waited til 1am! I forgot to turn out the front all lights though, but did lock the door .. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't!

And as I was writing the last little bit of this entry ... he popped up online.

So the very latest is ....

Apparently he DID show up but it was very very late & I was asleep. He should have called me *sighs* & he gave me shit for leaving the light on! *rolls eyes*

So yeah .. I said, "you could just respond to my email" .. it would certainly be alot easier. But he is big on "talking in person" except he will talk in person AFTERWARDS. He had yet to come to my house without fucking my brains out ... just sayin'

Anyway,  yeah .. he said he will try to come over "sometime" .. what can I say. I am VERY curious as to why he wants to talk. He said my email was very surprising but he "enjoyed it" and 3 times today alone, he asked if I was ok ... I am good I keep telling him. He is glad that I have embraced my submissive self because it was "always clear that it was always there"

So I told him to just let me know when he has the time to come "chat" & that I would MAKE the time for him. And then the cheeky beggar says to me ....

"I am happy to know you have not forgotten your place"

.. Doms ... honestly!!!

And that's the story thus far!!!! Who knows what's going to happen next!!!!

There is never a dull moment in my weird little world!!!!!

Reflecting

I don't make resolutions. In fact I positively HATE New Years and all things that accompany it. And this has been an especially bad "holiday" season for me so I will be really happy when life returns to "normal"

That being said ...

I have spent alot of this holiday season sick in bed. And I have had a chance to do alot of thinking - OH NO!

And I have realized a few things. It's been just over a year now, since I first started talking to Mr Experience and 3 days shy of a year since I met FormerD. And what a year it has been!!!

I do owe credit to Mr Experience ... for it was he that opened the gate that leads to this path. If it had only been just him .. I would have let the gate door hit me in the ass on my way out though. Thanks but no thanks.

No it was really FormerD that lead me down here. It was he that showed me what D/s could really be like. "Do you think BDSM is for you, precious?"  ...

That would be a resounding YES, SIR!!

And I will forever be grateful that he did.

It's been a very bumpy road for me .. so far. But I have learned so much about myself .. I have grown & I have changed. Maybe that's a good thing .. maybe it isn't? Well for me it is. *shrug*

I will never go back to being vanilla .. and it's not even for the dirty sex either.

Despite all the growth etc .. I still managed to spend most of this past year alone. But I know where I am heading & I know what I want ... so I do look ever forward to the next great thing.

The learning curve has been steep & hopefully it always will be. We should always be learning.

I am done living in the past. I am done pining over people that don't want me. I am done not being good enough.

With this new year, I am going forward. Who knows what it will bring.

SafeD came back to work today but alas we did not go for coffee ... it was -40 deg Celsius with the wind chill ... made for a very cranky SafeD. Anyway, I don't know ... that seems to be still on the back burner.

Things are not working out with Mr Hockey. He is a really really great guy .. I talk with him daily. But he is too vanilla. I have tried to talk to him .. be open & honest but he is not having any of it. He doesn't want to understand or communicate. We are still friends but that is all we will ever be. I am okay with that. Like I said, he is fun.

The tumblrverse has been very kind to me. I have met alot of people .. alot of Doms on there. Really nice, & pretty down to earth. Who knows ... there might just be something in that.

I am going to try to start getting more "out there" in the local community. SafeD has promised that whenever I want to go I .. I can join him & his wife (the Domme!!!). "We are fun people" he tells me. I don't know .. I am leery of her though .. I have met her a couple of times now ... very Domme like. But I know she wants to meet my Ewok!!! SafeD mentions it all the time ....... kinda scary.

So no resolutions from me ... just moving forward & moving on ... putting 2013 & my first year in this lifestyle to bed, once & for all.

To quote a good friend of mine ... "2014 is going to be MY BITCH"

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY.