Tonight I went to bed after the Golden Globes & woke up at about 1230 ... great 90minutes of sleep. I had a dream ... it wasn't really a nightmare .. it actually started out quite nice then turned freaky weird. Anyway, I wake up & if I don't stay awake for about 15 minutes I will literally fall right back into the same dream (does that happen to people or is it just me?)
So I did what I always do ... tumblr. *giggles* It helps take my mind off the dream.
Anyway, ironically the dream was about My Batman .. I haven't had a dream about him in a long while. And it was vivid ... I can still remember everything so clearly & it's been about 3 hours. I saw ironically because while I was lost in the tumblrvse my computer PINGED at me very loudly! It literally made me jump. Low & behold, FormerD was messaging me!!!!! Funny how that works!
We finally talked ... we actually just finished talking, about 20 minutes ago.
He had lots of questions, mostly about what I had wrote to him in that email. He was very upset that I went thru the Sub Drop after he left & he wished he had of known. I assured him that I have never blamed him for that & I would have never (obviously cuz I didn't) tried to have contacted him. And that I "sought help" and started the blog.
And we caught up .. I told him about My Batman .. not in alot of detail but enough for him to know how special that was for me etc etc.
It was really nice to not have to rush thru cuz he had to go.
And I asked him, how things had been for him & that I truly hoped that he was happy in his family life. But I also asked him how he was handling not being able "let the kink out" so to speak.
That's where things got complicated. He says that on many occasions he has wanted to contact me, to see me, to set up a play date. But he wouldn't do it because "I can't give you what you need" ... apparently he did see the somebody else that he had played with before me but for whatever reason he did not keep that up. (yes I was a little miffed about that!). But mostly, because he feels he cannot be the Dom a sub needs .. he has been stifling the need.
Of course, we all know where that leads the conversation. We spent the next 3 hours talking about possibilities ... wants, needs, the past.
Did we resolve anything?
Yes & no.
Is it very complicated?
Extremely.
Do I know what is going to happen?
Possibly.
All I know for a fact is that we both still want each other.
(that was a big surprise to me actually!)
He says I would only have to submit to him when we are together .. which would be rarely. But I know him well, he wants more than he can have .. he wants it all. This is something he is going to have to work out for himself. I cannot help him there. Who knows, I will probably end up making it worse.
I know what I want. I want it all and he cannot give it to me (not unless he wishes to totally fuck up his life & I would not ask him to do that).
I will keep doing what I am doing though .... meeting new people, meeting new Doms ... seeing what is out there is this big wild kinky world. There are two Doms on tumblr that I chat with sporadically ... there is potential out there.
But FormerD ... who laid down the law tonight .. "No more .. insert name here .. little one. I think I have earned that respect" ... *rolls eyes* in the end, after explain that I ONLY call MY Dom Sir, but since he is FormerD, I would make an exception just for him. ;)
We were good together & it gives me something physical again. Somebody I trust ... somebody who is not sexually disappointing (like the others I have been with).
Maybe I am just being lazy.
There are still so many ifs & maybes ... still more questions than answers. But the desire is still there ... the need is still there .. that chemistry.
I am a firm believer that you can never go backwards, but in this case I don't think I am going backwards. It's more like a continuance. I am a very different person than that shy, scared "innocent" that was introduced to this lifestyle a year ago. I am stronger than I was ... I have a much better understanding of what to expect & what is expected. (I kind of chuckle now because at this time last year I was thinking I found this really great new "boyfriend" & now I am thinking FormerD might need a name change on here).
He knows about SafeD as well and that I still intend to have that play date .... sometime, maybe. I will have to fill SafeD in on all the latest developments as well.
So now I go get ready for work .. .after 90 minutes of sleep (hours ago) and lots to think about.
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