Confessions

Way back in September I was pretty fucked up. Things had ended with My Batman & I was reeling with my loss. I was frantic & I was stupid. And I lied to you any blogger friends.

I fabricated a story, in some fool attempt to try to make My Batman jealous and I made 4 blog posts about it! I know ... STOOPID!

There was no meet up with FormerD ... I have not seen him since he left .. way back in April! We did talk briefly in October when I sent him an email. It was the 6th month mark of our last time together. I am kind of obsessed with dates ... I am weird like that. And he replied ... Saying he was glad to hear from me & that he was good ... "Dedicated" to his family. And I was happy for him. Life goes on. :)

So I do apologize for my deceit. I have hence removed the posts but I wanted to come clean.

DAGNABBIT! This honesty crap is killing me!!! (Not really but yeah I am really embarrassed by my actions)

So why confess? Hmm... Can I blame the fibro?!?!?!? ... I kid! It's that damned honesty thing again!

Well, tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of meeting FormerD (he sent me an eye catching message on POF) ... And me neon stupid about dates, sent another email the other day.

For a long time now (literally since the beginning of my blog,) I wanted to tell him .. Well everything. About what I have been learning, about the lifestyle .. About myself ... Everything.

So I did. It was a very long email. I described the horrible abyss I had found myself in, shortly after he left & how I turned to my "mentor" out of desperation & how I was shown the way out of the abyss & back on the path. And I told him about the subsequent sub frenzy I went into after that. And my discovery that not all "Doms" are created equal. And that I cannot submit to just anybody.

And I told him (although not in depth cuz the email was already long enough!) about my time with My Batman.

And I also thanked him ... For introducing me to this lifestyle & for showing me just how beautiful D/s could be.

I was very clear that I did not write this email with any ulterior motives. I had just really wanted to answer his oft asked question "Do you think BDSM is for you?" And in some weird way, for a long time, I have felt that he had a right to know about "the monster" HE had created.

Then I wished him nothing but happiness for him & his family. I hesitated for a few minutes before I hit send but I REALLY wanted to tell him, so badly ... I said to myself .. It is now or never & I hit send!

That was Thursday morning. I was jumpy all day. I KNEW that he would respond to that email but I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I was really worried that he would be mad at me & basically tell me to leave him the fuck alone, once in for all! My best case scenario was that he would very casually say "that's great, precious ... I am glad you had such fond memories & I am glad that you were able to work out all your troubles. Good luck .. I hope you find what you are looking for! Goodbye"
(Yes I pretty much thought that out word for word)

Regardless .. I was waiting for his email response ... I never got one!

But later that night ... I was, I don't know, putting laundry away I guess, when there was a very specific chime from my computer. Something I hadn't heard in months .... I got a message on google chat. I only have 1 person (well 2 actually but the second one does not count) .. on chat. FormerD!!!!!

He was messaging me!!! My heart skipped a beat. I was almost afraid to read it ... almost. He was telling me he got my "wonderful email" and he would come back on later to chat with me!!! O.O  .. but he was rushing & couldn't chat. But he said my email was "lovely" and he thanked me. I got all blushy and said I just really wanted him to know & he then said he was glad that I told him.  .... then he said he would try to be online later.

He didn't come back (this is not unusual). But that little maybe 5min exchange, freaked me out! I never EXPECTED that reaction to my email. Honestly.  I am still kinda shocked over it.

I spent all day Friday wondering about his reaction. What it meant .. did it mean anything? It just freaked me out.

Last night I watched for me. But maybe he wouldn't come back online? Maybe whatever it was, he thought better of it??? It's like watching the kettle boil! So I kept myself distracted .. pretty much convinced that Thursday night was a one off.

When he did come online ... he didn't speak to me. I wasn't going to be the one to send the first message either. It was maddening. After about 15 minutes he finally sent a greeting & for the first time ever .. he called me by my real name!!!!! O.O

Again it was "I am in a rush" ... I am leaving shortly to see my brothers. *sighs* Okay.

"Are  you going to be home?"  Ummm ...!!!!!

And he said he would try to come over to "talk" but if he wasn't here by midnight to go to bed.

WHA?????  THIS was ever more unexpected than chatting with him!!!

He didn't show & I waited til 1am! I forgot to turn out the front all lights though, but did lock the door .. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't!

And as I was writing the last little bit of this entry ... he popped up online.

So the very latest is ....

Apparently he DID show up but it was very very late & I was asleep. He should have called me *sighs* & he gave me shit for leaving the light on! *rolls eyes*

So yeah .. I said, "you could just respond to my email" .. it would certainly be alot easier. But he is big on "talking in person" except he will talk in person AFTERWARDS. He had yet to come to my house without fucking my brains out ... just sayin'

Anyway,  yeah .. he said he will try to come over "sometime" .. what can I say. I am VERY curious as to why he wants to talk. He said my email was very surprising but he "enjoyed it" and 3 times today alone, he asked if I was ok ... I am good I keep telling him. He is glad that I have embraced my submissive self because it was "always clear that it was always there"

So I told him to just let me know when he has the time to come "chat" & that I would MAKE the time for him. And then the cheeky beggar says to me ....

"I am happy to know you have not forgotten your place"

.. Doms ... honestly!!!

And that's the story thus far!!!! Who knows what's going to happen next!!!!

There is never a dull moment in my weird little world!!!!!