Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

Before everybody gets busy with the holiday season, I just wanted to take a moment & wish you all a happy & safe holiday season.

I hope it is wonderful for you all.

1914 - The Carol of Christmas

EUREKA!!! We have lift off!!!

We finally had a chance to "experiment" with the new we vibe 4 yesterday.

Once the set up was complete, it was easy peasy.

At first He wasn't sure if He would be able to connect with the vibe because it goes thru bluetooth.

(there we were both thinking that perhaps we should have set it up BEFORE he went home).

But both our phones needed to download the app & my phone had to sync with the vibe .. then we made a "love connection" between our phones (seriously my phone kept telling me my lover had control) ...

Then POOF like magic the little vibe that could ... did! It started vibing in it's little stand & MyWolf was excited for His new toy.

"Put it in."

And it's show time.

I don't know who had more fun on Skype ... Him watching me, as He played with the different settings (which I could watch on my phone but "My Lover has control" or me watching His face light up with delight as He played.)

After all is said in done .... we definitely have a fun new toy to play with.

I can't wait til we play without the benefit of skype!

There's an APP for THAT?!?!?!?!

the We Vibe 4

This is the sex toy MyWolf got me for Christmas!!! We had fun playing with it. But I suspect He will have more fun playing with it from Texas. 

As far as I know, this is the first sex toy that comes complete with it's own app!

Perfect for the LDR's. 

MyWolf can control it from where ever He may be .. including out in the oil fields of Texas.

We have not had a chance to put it thru it's paces via the app yet because MyWolf has been working none stop since He got home from His visit but I am sure once He gets an opportunity He will be all over that app. 

I will most definately post the results! ;) 

The link for anybody who is interested: 

We Vibe 4 Plus

Snow, Poutine AND Beaver Tails!!!

My Wolf & I had another excellent weekend together, although all too soon it was over & He was on the way back to Texas.

He flew in on Friday. It was so much fun to meet Him at the airport. I have never really had a chance to do that before. Wait for a loved one to walk thru those security gates at the airport. I quite liked it!

Very exciting.

We rented a car for the weekend. And much to His utter joy ... we got a Dodge Charger. He is a truck man from way back but only in the past few months has been thinking about buying a Charger .. this was the perfect opportunity for a long test run. He was very impressed. Not to mention, discovering the joy of heated seats! ;)

Christmas came early at our house ... literally as soon as we got home from the airport. I am a very spoilt kittie.

There was a new sex toy (that deserves it's own post)
A new tablet
Some Star Wars figures
AND ....

this wonderful Man of mine, conspired with one of my besties & got me a CUSTOM MADE LIGHTSABER!!!!

OH MY! He certainly does know His way to this girl's heart! Seriously ,.. talk abut shock & awe!

I got Him (okay really me) a new flogger.

Oh how I have missed being flogged. Is it just me? I just love the flogger .. I find it relaxes me.

He was less impressed with his "wookie" bathrobe though ... although He did wear it & found it nice & fuzzy & warm. ;)

It did not go back to Texas (but then He doesn't need it there)

But the best gift (according to Him) was "free" ... I gave Him a set of my dog tags (real from my military days). Free but priceless on the sentimental scale. I am kinda schmoopey like that.

And my girlfriend literally cried when she saw it!

Oh and of course I got Him lots of snow too! ;)

Anywho ...

It was a jammed packed weekend.

Saturday night, we went out to a Brazilian BBQ with my favourite people. It was so awesome to see everybody bonding & getting along so well. Even MyWolf & MyBrat had a private bonding moment!!!

It was a fun filled night, full of great conversations & lots of laughter, oh & an endless stream of meat on "swords" ... We went out for coffee afterwards. I seriously thinking we could have went all night.

On Sunday we drove down to my hometown for the ritual "meet the parents" event .... after we stopped to get some poutine.

(for those who don't know ... poutine is a french Canadian specialty, french fries & cheese curds, smothered in gravy)

poutine

MyWolf LOVES poutine (they haven't even really heard of cheese curds in Texas!!!!!)

(He only had it 3 times this visit!)

We had a traditional Sunday family dinner with the parent units. It was nice & I think everybody got along really well. They had met before ... one day at the cottage, via skype but apparently it's just not the same as face to face. It was a nice quiet visit.

Finally on Monday, we had the day for ourselves.

YAAAAY!

Sleep in?

Not a chance.

We had to get downtown for His Beaver Tail.

Another delicacy we have here, that is a must for everybody who comes to Ottawa. Even Barrack Obama got a beaver tail when he was here.

a traditional beaver tail with cinnamon sugar

Daddy's Beaver Tail with chocolate & bananas

Apparently, it's the breakfast of champions. ;) 

We did a little bit of shopping. I needed to get His son a Christmas present (anything for video gaming is good). 

And more poutine for lunch ... of course. 

The rest of the day was spent, just packing up his suitcases & lounging around the house. We had to be at the airport at the ungodly hour of 0430 the next morning so we just wanted to relax & enjoy our togetherness. 

And unfortunately, my fibro reared it's ugly head & I ended up with a horrible migraine that took a long while to get under control. *sighs* 

He has never been around when I have been sick before. 

It was amazing. He just cradled me in His arms & tried to soothe the pain away. 

I have never had that before.  

I could get use to it. 

All too soon though, it was time for another farewell. They are so hard.

I had never greeted somebody at the airport before and I had never had to watch somebody leave before either. *sighs* 

It's always so hard to say goodbye .. until the next time, of course. 

YAAAY!!!

We are heading into an awesome weekend!

In approximately 12 hours MyWolf's plane will be landing at the airport.

Silly Daddy wanted to come to Canada ... in DECEMBER!!!!

We will be celebrating lots of milestones this weekend ...

Our first Christmas
Eight months of being together
Our fifth IRL get together
Meeting my parents & my besties.
Poutine & Beaver Tails too!

We are so lucky that, even though, there are approx 3200kms between us (sorry I don't know what it is in miles) ... we have managed to be with each other 4 times already.

I am truly blessed.

Sex & Star Wars. Cosplay in the Kink

I had an interesting (bordering on offensive) conversation with SafeD yesterday morning.

It all started by him sending me a picture of some sort of lightsaber dildos or something ... I don't know really cuz the link didn't work. He said he would put them up on fetlife but I never looked. I don't really care to look.

I have a thing about the dirtying of Star Wars. I don't know .. I just take my Star Wars very seriously, I guess.

But I don't like it.

I see alot of crap on tumblr, far too many selfies of pretty young thangs in the R2D2 bathing suit or naked chicks wearing Darth Vader or Stormtrooper helmets. The worst (for me) is seeing girls with FX lightsabers turned on & shoved up their twats as far as they can go.

I get it .. I do. But no thanks.

SafeD & I pretty much got in to an argument over facebook messaging yesterday. I said I don't do Sex & Star Wars .. the he proceeded to tell me how he got invited to a Star Wars themed play party but it was in Vancouver so obviously couldn't go.

I said I would never go to a play party .. especially a Star Wars themed one.

He couldn't understand my hesitation. "Alot of cosplayers are into kinky fuckery" and "kink doesn't have to be about sex"

To which I pointed out that MOST cosplayers do not do it for charity. I do.

"I have 2 kinky friends, that have Princess Leia costumes"

I don't care ... I have at least 3 friends that "troop" as Slave Leia ... it does not mean they are going to role play,or get their kink on, in them.

In the beginning of my relationship with myWolf ... I was going on a troop & He wanted me to wear my ben wa balls. When I say that, I just sort of stopped & stared at the screen for a couple of minutes.

.. first thinking .. and then choosing my words carefully.

He was disappointed & maybe a little mad at first but He got it in the end.

I did not feel comfortable, no matter how discreetly it was, introducing kink into my weird little Star Wars world. Not when I was going to be around children all day.

We deal with children .. ALOT ... we raise money for charity, mostly children's charity.

To me, it is just wrong to mix the two together.

That moment, with me scrambling, trying to make myself understood to myWolf, was sort of a defining moment. It was the first time I really had my 2 worlds clash.

I do understand that alot of geeks are into kink ... I do understand that there is alot of role playing in kink (not for me though .. just not into it).

I am weird about Star Wars. I take Star Wars very seriously. I have great passion for my trooping and my Star Wars family.

I am a freak when it comes to Star Wars & I wouldn't have it any other way.

And yes I pretty much have put Star Wars as a hard limit.

Trooping is definitely off limits.

myWolf has even been to a troop with us, albeit a very small troop but He gets it. He understands what it means to me & I am so grateful for that.

THIS is why I do what I do

As for SafeD, he is utterly clueless. The man has been in the very public side of this lifestyle for most of his life. Play parties, and multiple play partners etc etc. He can not understand why others in the lifestyle do want to do it too.

Hmmm, the other side of a narrow mind, maybe?  

Anyway, it was just kinda niggling in the back of my mind all day so I thought I would share. 

Happy Monday ;) 

To All My American Friends

Going for the Jugular

Last year, the powers that be at work decided to hire contractors. We have usually have 5, now we are up to 8. They are my minions .. well not mine but they do work in my section & I am "lucky" enough to supervise them far too often.

Just before Christmas last year they hired ASSHOLE minion. I was the trainer at the time & within 30 mins I knew we were in trouble. He is one of THOSE guys ... you know the type, knows everything about everything and everything & knows better than you, especially how to do YOUR job. All within the first 30 minutes of training. Great. I asked management - Hitler .. if we could send him back to the agency cuz he's defective! No such luck.

And in the past 11 months, he has proven himself to be a consummate liar, a cheat (he routinely claims for hours he hasn't worked), malicious, devious, manipulative and a bully (especially to one of the female contractors who almost had a nervous breakdown because of him). And yet he is still there .. lying and cheating and smirking that insufferable smirk.

Yeah I know I don't get it either.

We all hate him .. except for management.

Well this morning, he is happily chatting away with one of our army dudes. Very proud of himself. "You should have seen what me & my friends did last night! It was great"

*side note: his cubicle is right beside mine. Not my choice but we have to keep him away from the other minions because he truly believes he is there lord & master!

Then proceeded to BRAG about how he & his gang vandalized a guy's truck. They spray painted in red paint the word RAT on the side of his truck "With a big rat tail to go with it!"

Little GI Joe was stunned. He turned & looked over at me silently mouthing "WHA?????"

I know ... were we listening to this Asshole confessing to committing a crime? WTF????

"HE HAD IT COMING! HE IS A RAT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH"

I couldn't believe this!

Are people really REALLY that stupid?????

GI Joe just said that no mater what a person did, he would NEVER damage their property like that!

"HE HAD IT COMING! HAHAHAHA"

"Nobody can prove that we did it either"

GI Joe got very uncomfortable & left (back to his own desk .. he share a room with another person).

I was left just sitting there thinking how I couldn't believe this idiot just confessed to a crime! And what am I going to do with this information.

I let it sit for about 30 mins then I went to see GI Joe in his office. I said that I couldn't believe the Asshole was bragging about a crime he committed!!!

GI Joe informed me that he wasn't done. Asshole came to visit him in his office to continue BRAGGING about what he & his friends had done. He's office mate was flabbergasted as well & then Rambo (my military supervisor & ASSHOLE's as well) came in & STILL ASSHOLE bragged & crowed about how smart he & his friends are to do this.

ASSHOLE was basically called a fucking idiot at this point & that he was no worse than a juvenile delinquent.

Oh, did I mention that ASSHOLE is in his 40ies??? Ummm, yeah

So as the day progressed, Rambo, Digger (the office mate), GI Joe & I talked. Rambo & I went in to a conference room with Hitler to explain what ASSHOLE was about this time. Hitler's reaction was like ours.

My whole point of view is that we should not have to be subjected to working with a self confessed criminal & I want him removed from our offices immediately.

Hitler went to his supervisor IDIOT and true to form, she basically said "suck it up! There is nothing we can do about it"

Complete & utter bullshit!

And then I started to get mad.

Like seriously! What the fuck does this guy have to do to get "fired" from our office (thru his agency of course)?!?! Kill somebody????

Thus started my campaign to get rid of this ASSHOLE once & for all. We 3 ...  myself, Rambo & Digger all sent off tips to Crime Stoppers (the victim probably didn't even file a police report). I got advice from a friend of mine, who is a Mountie. She recommended going thru crime stoppers.

Hitler sent ASSHOLE an email telling him to cease & desist talking about illegal activities in our work environment because  though he cannot control what asshole does when he is away from work, he will not tolerate having his staff having to listen to such offensive behavior

Yeah like that helped. (first thing Asshole did was sneer at Digger)

I demanded that we have a meeting tomorrow, for all staff (minus the contractors) because I think they have a right to know who we are dealing with.

If that doesn't force management to do something about him, then Digger & I have threatened to go to the union & demand that ASSHOLE be removed from our work environment!

It is bad enough that he is a liar, a cheat, a master manipulator & a bully but a self-professed criminal?????

No thank you!

If he can sit there and BRAG in front of no less than 4 people about his misdeeds ... imagine what he is NOT saying?

*sighs*

I haven't had a good scrap in a long time (and I REALLY hate the union too) but I am DONE with this shit.

Girlie Girl???

I have make up ... I only wear it when I am doing my Star Wars stuff (for better photographs).

Once in a blue moon I will blow dry & straighten my rat's nest (hair) ... a arduous 2 hour process. I don't own a curling iron. The only "product" I ever use in my hair are leave-in conditioner & Moroccan oil.

For a special occasion I might get a manicure/pedicure.

I hate going to hair salons (always have)

I hate shopping .. especially for clothes. Seriously, My Wolf was completely amused when I got more excited (I mean squealing for joy excited) at the Toy-r-Us Star Wars aisle then in any clothing/jewelry store we had been in together.

Most of the time I am in jeans & t-shirts, my hair pulled back in a pony tail. (I call it wash & wear hair).

Once in a blue moon, I might wear a skirt or a dress ... very rare indeed.

Shoes? I would rather be in flip flops or moccasins (real ones). Heels? I think not!

Boots .. okay, I have a fetish there.

I am definitely not a "high-end" type of girl.

I will go out of my way to NOT buy brand names. (Seriously, my friend was very excited to be getting a present from Coach - she had to tell me what Coach was).

I am a very messy person ... world's worst housekeeper. Susie Homemaker I will never be (although I am a mean cook). A friend came to my house once & gasped "OMG! You're a STUFF person!!!!!)

What's the point to all this? I don't really know. I just read something recently about "highs standards" .. "stylish" .. "impeccable taste" etc etc. And it just got me thinking.

I am none of those things. And I don't ever aspire to be.

I am just me. Just a no make-up, messy haired, Star Wars loving, geeky freak, And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Does that make me any less of a woman? Wait .. don't answer that cuz I really don't care.

I don't care about material things so much (except for my boots & rather large Star Wars collection).

And I really HATE social convention ... telling me what to wear, how to behave, where to live, what to drive, blah blah blah.

What I care about ... is people that are good to each other. I am a warm hearted person, who loves her family & friends with a passion. I am a good person. Kind to strangers, and always try to lend a helping hand.

And underneath that somewhat tom-boyish (my mother called me that) exterior? You had better believe I am all woman! :P

The rest? ... just doesn't matter.

a rare shot of me .. in a skirt (only to show off my boots!!!) :)

Living Online

I love "for the love of a sub" (from tumblr)  ... He writes very honestly and thoughfully.

online D/s relationships

I recently came across this article (link above)

Anyway, having an online D/s relationship IS alot like fantasy. I have seen alot of different types of relationships online. Some are very beautiful and genuine. Most I find have an air of phoniness to them .. they are not real .. and they tend to overcompensate for the fact that it is fantasy (if that makes sense). I think it's just the nature of the beast.

Wolf and I are online all the time. We text all day & we skype at night. It's the next best thing to being there.

It doesn't matter what we do .. whether we play or not. We just are. We play ... we talk .. we play and talk. *smiles*

He is out "on location" right now .. working the "graveyard" shift. We just finished skyping ... because He had to go .. something broke. But anyway, it's fun .. Him sitting his truck, explaining his job to me. It's like being at work with Him. The oil field is quite the interesting place to be. He thinks I'm weird cuz I find it all very fascinating.

But I digress ....

Like I said, it's the next best thing to being there. But we do make an concerted effort to spend time together in real space. We have been really lucky that way. His job does not allow for Him to have much time off .. hardly any actually. And the distance ... But we manage to make it work.

It's been just about 7 months now since we got together (wow - 7 months already!) and we are preparing for our 5th visit together. Considering the time constraint and the considerable distance (don't even get me started on air travel!!!) we have done really well.

We even have a long term plan in the works.

So yes, online relationships can & do work .... LDR's can & do work.

You just have to want it bad enough.

.... oh and for our fifth visit He insists on coming here ... in December! .. because He wants to experience Canada in winter! .... Silly Man! ;)

Dirty Little Secret

****Disclaimer****

This post is my perspective & only pertains to things that I have experienced in my own life. It's is in way, shape, or form, indicative of how I feel about others. I do not judge & nor would I ever.

**************

This post has been very hard to write. It's been a long time in the making ... about 6 months now. I know what I want to say, but organizing thoughts into words has been difficult.

So here goes ....

There is nothing worse than a dirty little secret ... I should know, I have been one, on more than one occasion.

Not fun.

I have felt cheap.

I have felt used.

I have felt useless.

I have felt unworthy &

I have felt unloved.

Not good enough ... never good enough.

Burned.

No, not fun at all.

I am not playing the victim card here .. I am well aware that it does take two to tango & I take full responsibility for my own actions,always.

But in the end .. I always lose.

He (the collective of them) would get to walk away ... scott free.

Had his fun, no harm, no foul.

His dirty little secret, gone ... tossed aside, buried, forgotten.

Living large & free .. with no accountability.

Does he feel any guilt? I highly doubt it.

Does he go confessing his sins to her??? I highly doubt it.

"Why does she need to know anyway? "She doesn't deserve to be hurt" (but apparently the dirty little secret does)"

Fucking Coward.

But ...

the more time I spend in this lifestyle, the more I understand that being the dirty little secret, just doesn't cut it.

I love the HONESTY in this lifestyle.

Anything less than that ..... no thank you!

NEVER AGAIN!!!!!

I have a Dom/Daddy/Boyfriend, who is nothing less than amazing. He has been slowly putting the pieces of me back together again. He is kind and patient. He is supportive and loving.

 He is NOT ashamed of me.

He is NOT ashamed to announce to the world that I am His and He is mine.

He is proud of me.

And He is proud to be with me.

He is there when I am sick ... He is there when I am sad ... He is there when I am mad.

He is my rock.

He is my awesome sauce!

He is ALWAYS there ... for me.

I am His kitten, His babygirl, His fucktoy, His friend, His confidant, His sounding board .. HIS.

But best of all ..........................

 I am NEVER

HIS DIRTY LITTLE SECRET! 

LOL 9

It's that time of year again. 

Time to embrace our lurkers & invite them to come out of the shadows & say hi. 

Come out, come out!

Whereever you are!

We won't bite. (unless by request)

And if you are too shy, that's ok too.

I still say thank you for reading my blog. 

Rememberance/Veteran's Day

LEST WE FORGET.

(I hope everybody takes a minute today ... a moment of silence and if you get a chance, thank a vet) 

A Fond Farewell

I am sure that people are sick of reading about this now. I am almost done. Just one more than it is time to move forward. Yes this has really affected me, on so many levels, professionally, personally and emotionally.

(it's what happens when you are an emotional creature) *shrug*

We bid a heartfelt and emotional farewell to "Canada's Son" yesterday (his funeral it not until Tuesday but he went home to Hamilton yesterday).

Nathan left our fair city yesterday. He got to travel the Highway of Heroes. The Highway of Heroes is a stretch of highway that starts in Trenton & goes to Toronto. And it received it's name because all of fatalities from the war in Afghanistan travelled that road. And it's a remarkable piece of road. Whenever there was a fallen solider that was returning home ... people began to gather to pay their respects .. first police and firefighters and then everyday citizens ... paying tribute to those have gave their lives.

Nathan's Motorcade

It has not been a road travelled for a very long time. Until yesterday. And the Highway of Heroes was expanded. From the funeral home that Nathan was resting in (which is a 5 minute walk from my house but unfortunately I was stuck at work) all the way to the funeral home in his home town of Hamilton (a 6-7 hour journey) all the way down to Hamilton. It gave a lot of new communities the chance to experience something so profound and the fact that it was for "Canada's Son", who was gunned down so brazenly, while guarding with honour the Tomb of the Unknown Solider. Well the people "got it" .. they understood. And they came out .. by the thousand! Every step of the way. Every overpass was overflowing with people. There is no way of knowing the numbers but I would venture to say tens of thousands of people!

It was amazing and beautiful to see. I couldn't have been prouder to be a Canadian. 

My Brat & I ... we couldn't be a part of  the Highway of Heroes but after work, we went to the War Memorial, which had just been official reopened earlier ... Honour Guards back on their posts. I really needed to go there, to pay my respects, to reflect. It gave me some closure. We were not alone. I suspect thousands of people will come .. say thank you, say good bye. 

And with that I am done. There is nothing left to do but to move forward. 

Obviously it has been an emotional week for me & this blog has given me the perfect outlet. I want to thank everybody for listening to me and for EVERYONE that have reached out and checking to see if I was ok. I do appreciate it all. 

And a big thank you MyWolf for Your unwavering support (He even wore red for me yesterday, in tribute & support). You take such good care of me and You are ALWAYS there for me, no matter what! I would be so lost without You! I am a very lucky lucky kittie! 

ALWAYS FLEB! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

.... we now return you to your regularily schedualled kinkiness ;) 

Aftermath

It was a very surreal day today. Going back downtown .. to work. Life goes on. But it was weird. I didn't get anything done today at all. My head was swimming. Stress is NOT my friend. Sirens freaked me out all day. I am use to them .. I work downtown after all but today .. no, just no.

Parliament resumed today but all the politicians gathered at the war memorial to pay tribute to our fallen soldier, before going to work. It poignant. 

But as the Prime Minister was laying a wreath .. some asshole crossed over the police tape & cops went nuts. There is video showing them yelling .. guns drawn and arresting him. High drama. 

I received this message on my facebook page last night .. from a co-worker, which I thought was totally bizarre:

"Thank you for having the balls to stay til everyone was out today. Some ship we have when the management leaves and doesn't let anyone know."

I didn't DO anything.

But then this morning, my supervisor (who was off sick yesterday, leaving me as acting supervisor), a Master Corporal in the military reserve, was singing my praises. You did good! Thank you! It was a good thing you were here!

WTF?!?!?!

Then Manon ... our senior military person, who is regular force (she was stuck in lock down at the military hospital all day yesterday), she too sought me out & sang my praises.

"But I didn't do ANYTHING!"

Our supervisor (who is a retired Commanding Officer) has no leadership qualities what's so ever. She didn't know what to do. Our "lockdown" was a farce yesterday, we had no direction. We were allowed to come & go as we pleased "at our own" risk. She was not given any direction from her superiors yesterday until late in the day. She came to me with the directive "it is highly recommended that your personnel stay put until the lockdown order has been rescinded" ... but she left at 330 to catch her bus.  *shrug*

All I did was talk to people & made sure that stayed safe ... were not going anywhere near the epi-centre & had a way home. I don't think that it was anything special. Especially in the light of all the shit that was going down just a couple blocks away. But whatever.

So anyway, life goes on ....

I have been obsessing all day. I have been weary all day. My head has been throbbing all day. It has coloured my judgement .. I have been rude & standoffish to people that didn't really deserve it. I have not been myself today.

I was a small part of a major incident in my beloved country, in my beloved city, in my beloved military. I was on the outside looking in. But it has effecting profoundly. I am both defensive & offensive. A victim(?) and/or a soldier who vowed to protect her country a long time ago? Both probably ... I guess.

But I am tired now .. exhausted. I am going to bed. I thank everyone who has read the past few posts. Thank you for reading, thank you for your tolerance and especially thank those of you who have contacting me and expressed your concern for my safety and well being. I REALLY do appreciate it. 

Peace Out

True North Strong and FREE!

Phew what a day! What a week! And it's only Wednesday.

It was a long day. As I stated, we were in lockdown for most of it. I was the last to leave just around 5pm. Taking the bus home thru the downtown core .. just 2 streets down from where all the "action" is. Sooooo many cop cars & emergency vehicles. I drove by the Memorial where this beautiful young man was brutally shot 4 times in the chest at point blank change. It was completely encircled by RCMP vehicles.

Cpl. Nathan Frank Cirillo

24 years old and a new father

My bus also took me by the National Defence Headquarters (or as I like to call it Disneyworld on the Rideau) ... no less than 8 armed military police officers standing guard at that one entrance. I know that they were at every entrance. Like there are now more than likely armed guards at every entrance to every military base we have .. here & abroad.

I feel so helpless. I work for the military. I am the military. I have been military since I was 16 years old. It is in my blood. My blood is boiling. I want nothing more than to grab my uniform, get a weapon & hunt down all these new fangled "radicalized" citizens. Teach them what being Canadian is really all about.

It is my job, it is my duty ... to protect this country. Just because I got sick & I "retired" ... that doesn't go away. It's ingrained in me .. it's what I lived most of my life for. 

But no I sat in my office, locked down, safe and helpless. 

(hmmmm it's too bad that whoever made that  gif of the flag didn't know how to spell cuz in Canada we HONOUR our soldiers not honor them) *sighs* 

I know I am ranting .... I am exhausted. 

I am very grateful though .. for my family & my friends who checked in on me and who worried about me. But I am especially grateful for my Wolf. He is my very protective Daddy & I am soooooo lucky to have Him in my life. To worry about me, to protect me ... to love me. I would still be lost without him. 

Bring It Motherfuckers!

I am mad now. It's hour 6 of our lockdown. The shock is over, the adrenaline rush has crashed away & I  am contemplating going home now. The lockdown is still in effect. They are still looking for suspects. I am sitting at my desk, in my Bldg ... Working for the Department of National Defence. Been sitting here all day ... Not getting any work done, stuck in my building as the events unfold a mere 2 blocks away from me. 

This  is the second soldier that has been killed by some wannabe terrorist fucktards! On Mobday a converted Islamic follower of Isis lay in wait for that target of opportunity & when he saw it he took it ... Ran over 2 Canadian soliders in a parking lot & took off. He was shot & killed ... Good fucking riddance.

One of the soldiers died

And then today ... Out of the blue, a solider who had the honour of standing guard over our War Memorial and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was shot ... In the chest ... At point blank range. By a mother fucking coward. 

He did not survive.

And the day unfolded from there ... Bedlam, lots of conflicting reports ... 1 shooter, 2 shooters 3 shooters ... More. 

We have been lucking ... 5 victims ... Including one dead soldier ... 1 dead suspect.  And still we don't know. The whole downtown corridor is on high alert ... No way to know if it's over, no way to know how many we are looking for. 

And I fear it is just the beginning .....

as promised .... BUTT PLUG OF THE MONTH CLUB!

When Sir Wolf & I really started to get "into each" other, we maybe went into a kind of a frenzy of sorts. Lots of toys & lingerie and (my favourite) boots were bought! Thankfully we have slowed down a bit.

Anyway, I got to joking around with a friend about having butt plugs & she agreed .. we started comparing notes etc etc  .. & I sort of said something along the lines of "geez, I feel like I have been enrolled in the butt plug of the month club" .. thus the joke was born.

It all started with one. The little purple fella up there (pic). The one that was bought so long ago & never used. Sir Wolf changed that rather quickly and I found myself back in the world of ... anal exploration (???). Previously I had been a born again anal virgin. I had dabbled when I was younger but illness just sort of took THAT away. I literally did not have anything to do with anal for about 8-10 years .. it just wasn't worth it.

Well, Sir Wolf was having none of that! And quite frankly neither was I .. I believe I actually pushed him a bit to open that "door" again. FINALLY.  (note: I can't do anal all the time but when I can .. I am, shall we say ... all in!)

Next came the vibrating plug ... the black one with the bullet sticking out. It is not the original bullet as that requires watch batteries ... nothing I hate worse that having to buy watch batteries. So I improvised. I like this turbo charged fella, although I hate black toys .. they are very cold & industrial to me, and it is the biggest of the "collection" ... then came the princess plug. We MUST have a princess plug. I actually have 2 ... the other is in Texas with Sir Wolf .. I have yet to see it but he says it is HUGE! O.o

I should also mention there is another at Sir Wolf's - a small, black one. I can't even say I remember seeing it but I do remember feeling it! ;)

And lastly we come to my newest & most favourite. My kittie tail. Surprising comfortable but I have yet to learn how to walk without tripping over it & yanking it out in the process!!! Hmmmm, maybe 4 feet is a tad bit too long! :D

So there you go ... 6 butt plugs ... and on 15 October we will be celebrating 6 months! OMG!!!6 months already!!! Time really does fly!!!

.,,,, now about that boot of the month club .........................  ;)

Not All Doom & Gloom ..

In 2 days I am leaving for Texas!!!!

YAAAAY!

This weekend is my Thanksgiving long weekend (we only get 3 days in Canada) ... I am making it an extended 6 day weekend.

I haven't seen Sir Wolf since the end of June.

It's time for some bonding, cuddles, spanks, and conjugal visits!

Quality time. ;)

And after the summer I have had (we both have had really) ... I need this ... he needs this.
(I only hope that my health issues don't fuck things up) 

When Your Body Betrays You

(and not in a good way).

The summer was hard on me. Well this is actually been a pretty hard year for me, health wise.

It seems like every day now, I have to fight with myself, just to get up & go to work. I think if I could I would just sleep my life away at this point. Yeah it's sucky.

I am not really sure what is wrong. My fibro has been a bitch.

Food & I are not friends anymore. I hate it, in fact. I usually have to force myself to eat, and then half the time, I am in agony afterwards.

I went to the Dr. a couple of weeks ago. He has me on monthly B12 shots and I have had to get extra blood work done because he was not happy with my thyroid. I am also waiting for a referral to go see a gastro specialist. And my rhuemotologist.

Fun times.

Really great times within the D/s realm too.

But this post isn't meant to be about my whining (honestly)

Through it all, I have been so grateful & lucky that my Wolf has been so patient & understanding.

The thing with being sick all the time is that it really gets into your head. The ultimate mind fuck? You stop feeling sexy, womanly, hot, submissive or whatever and more and more you just feel like an it. It is very easy to slip into depression.

But through it all my Wolf has been there. Learning & dealing. He has been amazing & I don't know how I ever got so lucky. Believe me, it's not easy to find anybody who is willing to try to understand what you are going thru let alone, help you thru it.

Poor guy got alot more than He bargained for when He gave me his collar *sighs*. He says He is NOT patient but ... well he is wayyyyyy more patient than I could ever be. He has kept the depression at bay & makes sure that I eat, sleep, get up in the morning (He even had to call me from Texas several times yesterday to wake me up). He never lets the pity party get out of hand.

And most importantly, He is just always there! No matter what. Even when I think that He would be so much better off without me. He is always there!

And for that I am the luckiest woman alive!

I love You Daddy! You ARE my awesome sauce!!!!!

Still Waiting for Summer!

WTF do you mean it is the 2nd of September?!?!?!  How the hell did THAT happen?

As always summer goes by in a flash. Why can't it be the opposite .. winter comes & goes & summer "drags out"?

*sighs*

I have spent most of my summer going back & forth to the cottage, every other weekend & the weekends I spend at home .. I seemed to have slept thru.

There was no big Fan Expo comic con at the end of summer for me this year. They had it on Labour Day Weekend & that is definitely COTTAGE WEEKEND .. not even Star Wars can outshine that.

I have been very negligent with my blog .. certainly not my intention at all. In fact .. I have lots of "in the works" in my drafts.  ... such titillating titles as:

butt plug of the month club
dirty little secret
living online
the fine art of reflection

I need to learn to manage my time better but I am working on it slowly ....

I WILL BE BACK! 

A Happy Schmoopey Kittie

I have been given a task today:

"I want you to put what you are feeling right now, today ... put into words"

I have been given the choice to either blog it or email. I figure since I have subjected you all, to months of maudlin, whiny stuff that, I figured this would be a nice change of pace ....

Things have been going so well for us. We have been together for roughly 4 months now ... WOW! .. four months ... it seems like yesterday and forever, all at the same time.

We kik all day long & we skype almost every night. We don't always play & I am not always given tasks. Alot of times we just talk .. about what is going on in the moment, the future, the past, whatever. Like two "normal" human beings! O.O

Today is a heavy task day ... not heavy stuff but tasks\at regular intervals\throughout the day .. with pictures *wink wink*

It has made me reflective ... about my submission. I try to be submissive every day but really I don't know that I THINK about it every day.

Today, I am thinking about what it means to me ... being His submissive, it is what I am to write about.

I am happy .. I am schmooepey*.

Every day, we grow closer ... as a couple. And we grow closer as a Dom & sub.

I want to make Him happy .. I want to make Him proud, even if it means doing things that I am not necessarily too keen on doing. It's about pleasing Him and that makes me happy.

I am very attuned to my submissive self right now. I couldn't be happier. It almost feels like being enveloped in a warm blanket .. I feel cozy, warm & safe. And more contented and happy than I could have ever imagined.

I am loved and I love in return.

There are no outside forces pulling either of us apart (distance & time are but minor nuisances).

We are very protective of each other ... He makes sure that I am taking care of myself. He lets me be "bossy" when it comes to Him taking care of Himself as well.

I inspire Him and He plays with me.

The fact that we can talk about everything & anything is amazing too. There is such freedom in knowing that the person you are with, wants to know what you have to say ... wants to know how you are feeling .. even if it is not so good. And we are really developing excellent communication skills when misunderstandings happen .. and let face it, they will happen. But we nip in it the bud pretty quickly & move on.

I feel so free right now ... like there is nothing I can't do or I can't say. It's so amazing. I don't have to hide. There is no shame. I am me!

And the best part is that He is just as much mine as I am His ... And He makes sure I know it, every hour of every day. That is the best feeling in the world. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that He is not going anywhere.

So I am, right now, feeling FULL ... full of Love, of submissiveness, pride, faith, joy, contentment, anticipation, wonder, awe, & schmoopiness. I am fair to burstin' !!!!

(not to mention very aroused & excitable as I have been edging every 2 hours too!!!)

We are learning and growing ... together. And there is no greater feeling in the world. 

(PS .. I am VERY schmoopey right now! *giggles*) 

****Schmoopey is a word I stole from my bestie .. it pretty much means all the lovey dovey romantical stuff., all rolled up into a single word. Sir Wolf likes it too *winks*

A Long Way to Go

I have been giving  a task today ..... well tasks I guess.

And the first thoughts out of my lazy brain?

...... I don't feel like it.

What? Really?

But I complied..

And I am doing it but ... my mind *sighs*

He kinda called me on it and asked .... "am I irritating you/"

"Am I irritating you?" hmmmm ... good question.

No, He is not ... but I am irritating me.

Well I am not mad or resentful or anything like that. I am just being lazy

And it really has gotten me to thinking about my submission.

Not that I don't want it because I do .. I absolutely do. And I want to be the best sub I can possibly be for him (no, I know that nobody is perfect & there are always going to be "those" days)

But I need to school my mind.

To always try to be more pleasing ... to be more submissive.\Not just during play but all the time.

And I realized just how far I still have to go.
(but I will always keep going ,,, I am perpetually a work in progress!)

Remember the Alamo ... & other things I learned in Texas!!!!

Davy Crockett fought & died at the Alamo!

Everybody died at the Alamo!!

WTF?!?!?!? I didn't know!!!

... Sorry, I'm  Canadian! ... It's NOT my history.  Fascinating but not mine.

Texas IS big & it's very beautiful. Hot ... True but unique as well. I fell in love with the River Walk in San Antonio! And I had some of the best seafood I have ever had, in Corpus Christie (mmmm freshly caught shrimp!!!)

I have also learned that I get defensive & a little bratty, when I am feeling vulnerable.

Seriously? Sticking your tongue out 3 times in one day?!?!?!?

I have learned to live in the moment more. Our time together is precious ... Whether we are playing or just enjoying each others' company. No need to waste a moment of it on pettiness or inconsequential things.

Miscommunication is bound to happen, even when you communicate so well with each other. The trick is to tackle it head on, overcome it & get back to the good stuff!! (it goes with the above point about pettiness)

I can be very bossy. When it comes to health & well being? Too right I am bossy ... Or as I like to call it ... nurturing  & caring. I can live with the bossy term though. He is learning to let me be, too (somewhat anyway).

I got rid of a lot of preconceived notions while in Texas. I try not to have expectations. I think that before Texas ... I was looking for something from Sir Wolf ... I am not sure what exactly. Maybe more spanking? Maybe more bondage? Facefucking? Doming? I really couldn't say ....

But I am not looking for whatever it was i thought to expect.

I am learning more about Him everyday.

 He will do things in His own time, in His own way& I am happy to let Him. 

Hmmm? Maybe just a little bit?

Sir Wolf is a Dom ... My Dom. He is a DaddyDom ... A nurturer & yes I call Him, Daddy (I would say I have little tendencies but would NOT consider myself a little, def no age play). He is also a Wolf ... Very primal in His needs. He loves to mark what is His ... I have worn His mark in many places & He bites hard!

If asked, He would say that He is NOT a sadist. He would tell you that He gets pleasure from spanking me because it gives me pleasure.

 But I am not so sure.

 I am not denying that His spanking doesn't turn me on ... It makes me very hot, horny & dripping! 

I just think that He is learning to embrace His inner sadist. He is quite happy with His newest toy - a $5 ping pong paddle. He says He can get a bigger impact with less effort. and He does like the rosy checks that He creates.

He has also discovered (or more likely introduced) the joys of edging into our play. Especially over kik (vs Skype or in real life).

Edge play & orgasm denial, is not something that I have a lot of experience with. And it's HARD!

Being plugged & Ben Wa balls in, and having to play with your wand on your clit for 30 mins without cumming!!!!! All the while trying to take pictures & sending them to Him, while He keeps counting the minutes down?!?!?!?

Oh no ... Not a sadist at all!

*wink wink*
(yes I realize I write this at my own peril but isn't that half the fun?!?!?!?)

Maple Leaf to Lone Star

"All my bags are packed
And I'm ready to go"

Tra la la la la

I am about to head to the airport.

I'm going to go see my Wolf in his natural habitat & I am soooo excited!!!

Wait .... Average temp is around 105F you say!!!

OH MY!

Never fear, my Wolf has promised to keep me chained to his bed for most of the 6 day visit! YAAAAY!

And Thank the Maker for air conditioning!!!!

But first ....

The Alamo!!!!

(Keep it kinky, people!)

gk out!

Bloggity, blog, blog blog!!

Why do we blog?!?!?

... And open ourselves up to ridicule.

Why do people think they have a right to command, to judge us?

Why do people think they know us?

... just because we write SOME of our experiences & SOME of feelings down, or post the photos that we like (tumblr)

If people are so sure they know who we are, that they can offer criticism, judge us, call us liars, dillusional & every other negative thing out there ...

... Why do they hide behind the anonymous mask?

Cowardly blow hards ... So quick to judge, to make fun of us, to chastise, to condemn.

You don't impress anybody here.

I blog for me. It helps to make sense of things that happen & things that I feel.

I don't do it for anybody else.

I don't care if people like me or not.

It's not like I don't appreciate feed back or the friends that I have made thru blogging because I do.

It's an extra bonus!

If it weren't for bloggers (and that ONE who really helped me in the early days) I probably would not be in this lifestyle & would be miserable.

So dear greyfaces out there:

If you do NOT have the balls to say something to our face, please go crawl back under your rock.
Nobody wants to hear your cowardly squeaks

A Slip of the Tongue

I don't really know what possessed me to do it & as soon as I did, I started giggling.

That look on his face, had me dancing away, laughing out loud!

(backtrack at bit)

Sir Wolf got the news last Thursday, or the email & his plane ticket. He was going back to Texas on Sunday! He had expected to stay in Pennsylvania for the summer! *sighs* Such is the nature of his work! Anyway, on Friday, he rented a car & drove 5 hours & one border crossing , JUST to say "goodbye". It was essentially a 24 hour visit.

So really, what did make me stick out my tongue at him, like I did? *giggles*

I don't know who was more surprised? Me or Him? Through my giggles, I did manage to squeak out an apology .. or two. But the "damage" was done.

The result???

I was collared & cuffed. Hands locked to the rings of my collar. Clips on nipples (really my nipple clamps just will not stay on ... so we use "chip" clips that I have). I am standing between his legs as he sits on the edge of the bed & looks up at me.

The wand is turned on high and jammed between my legs. Thank goodness his inner thighs are there to support me because almost instantaneously my legs turn to jello. He moves the wand around ... just to make me twitch & jump. And a flick of a clip, sent a different kind of shiver thru my body. Oh, the SMILE on His face.

And then, before either of us expected it! GUSH! Oh I squirted alright ... down my legs, down his legs .. all over the floor! OH MY! It was so sudden it shocked both of us.

I don't believe in being deliberately bad, for the sake of getting "punished" or for attention. But I can see .. it definitely has it's merits! ;)

Hmmmm, is that what "funishment" is like???!

... Now what?

My Sir Wolf came as promised. And we had a wonderful time, both vanilla & kinky.

He brought me my new day collar which I only take off for showering & dishes.

Those 3 days were wonderful & magical & not long enough. We are counting the days til the next visit.

But ....

I have been sitting here all week, not knowing what to write about! There is so much to say .. I couldn't possibly put it all into words!

It's funny that I find it so hard to write about it now.

Maybe because I have never really talked too much about the present ... all my musings have been of things past and opportunities lost

Now, here I am in a happy, healthy, mutually beneficial D/s relationship .. well really, a relationship I have been waiting for, for my whole life. And for once ... I am tongue tied!

WTF?

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!

... HE IS ON HIS WAY!!!!!!!!

T-5hours

*faints dead away* 

tick tock tick tock ....

The wait continues ... The nerves are starting to set in ...

We had a scare last night ... The night crew fucked up & ... Well basically Sir Wolf went to bed last night figuring that he would have to work a 12 hour shift & probably Wednesday. ... The last time there was a screw up it took 6 weeks to fix!

Needless to say we were pretty bummed!

But he texted me at 4am (on his way to site) saying that the problem was fixed!!! So all they had to do today was "rig down"

By the time his crew got there everything was done!! Now all they have to do is load up all the gear & take it to the shop ...

So we are a little more hopeful!!

But I remain cautiously optimistic til he is enroute!

And we wait ....

Anticipation: the Ultimate Mind Fuck

Sir Wolf is from Texas. REALLY far away from me. Be we have been planning to get together at the end of June. Time off has been booked ... Passports secured.

Sir Wolf has been working on a job for the past month or so in Pennsylvania. He will be there for 2 -
3 months ... Maybe.

But That's only a 5 hour drive from here.  Very doable.

My renewed passport came in first & then His passport came (His first ever!) .. It was like the Berlin Wall fell .. The border is now open!

The only hurdle left is for Sir Wolf to get time off! The nature of His job ... especially while in PA, is very crazy. Crazy schedules, last minute jobs come up. They never really know what they are doing from day to day & things can change at the drop of a hat!

He is just finishing up this latest job today ... Well tonight actually. And then if no other jobs pop up & His supervisors stop fucking with His head & the stars align ...

He might be here as early as tomorrow night for a 2 - 3 day visit!!!!!!!!

SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!

Maybe.

I  hopefully optimistic.

When I know He is on His way for sure ... That's when I will go fucking crazy!!!!

Excitement & nerves all rolled into one happy, hyper little kittie!! ;)