Letting the Inner Demon Speak

There have been alot of posts in the past couple of months about self-image, both from women's perspectives & men's.

It all started for me with this post that Dauntless Vitality put up in the spring ...
http://adauntlessjourney.blogspot.ca/2013/04/inner-beauty-and-self-image.html

I watched that video many many times and all I could think of was "wow ... I  could NEVER even subject myself to that at all" .. not EVER!  Describe myself & let somebody draw what I see? I would run out of that room ... probably pulling my hair out & screaming as I went. Seriously.

This is me:

This is what I see when I look in the mirror:

actually probably worse than that. And as they say .. you can't fix ugly. 

I don't know why I am the way I am & I have been like this forever. Oh sure people can say, and have said that I am exaggerating or it's not that bad but that little voice that lives so very deep inside me says ... "nope, don't listen to them .. you are gross, you are unworthy, you are a LOSER"

I have gotten better over the years. I lead a pretty happy life. It's kind of ironic ... I hate mirrors & I absolutely HATE getting my picture taken. I especially see photos of me & I say "who the fuck is that pigdog????" ...But I digress ... 2 years ago today, I started trooping with my Star Wars group & have had my picture taken probably thousands of times now. And I don't actually hate it .. and I can actually look at some of those pictures & while always criticizing, I can actually say "hmmm, not bad" It has definitely been a positive experience & I am actually learning to "work" the camera. But then again .. it's not really "me" posing is it. 

Why am I telling you all this? Well I am not really telling you ... this is the very first time I have ever made myself really think about it ... commit it to written word & who knows maybe even perform a little exorcism? I am impressed because usually when I let the demon out & let it control me I usually end up a blubbering idiot. The demon is mean and the demon takes great pleasure in watching me self-destruct. Over the years, the demon in me as made me do bad things to myself. First. I was drunk for 5 years straight ..  yes 5 years. I am very surprised I didn't turn into an alcoholic!!! Those were very bad years ... the demon ran rampant throughout my life. I was locked away deep inside myself. Nobody knew me .. not at all. I was drunk & I slept with just about any man who would take me (drunk of course). My self esteem was non-existent in those 5 years. I abused my body in so many ways. *sighs* I wonder how I lived thru it all. 

It took me another 20 years, the real me locked away deep inside. I didn't live ... I existed. I was never happy and I was in denial. The demon still ruled my life. I had score upon score of bad relationships .. including a brief marriage (which I agreed to because I figured I was already 28 & who else would want me? - sad but true). 

And then 2 years ago (it's my anniversary) I had my first official troop with my Star Wars people. And 4 months after that I finally got rid of my last bad relationship (I swore that I would never settle again) and I started to live. I mean for the first time in my life, at 45 years old, I was living as me. What a feeling! And then this year's introduction to this lifestyle has been mind blowing. 

The inner demon is still there & still causing havoc with my self-esteem, but most of the time I can squash it done! Not always though. It won out for awhile after Naughty Prince Charming. I miss him, he was a good friend. I am still not sure why he decided to try to take it a step farther. We were doing not bad, even though my Demon kept telling me that NPC was way too good for me, out of my league, I dared to hope. But as soon as he asked for my picture, the Demon one. I guess I wasn't his cup of tea .. because that picture pretty much ended it all. *shrug* I can live with that. I am an acquired taste that's for sure. 

I was lucky with My Batman. In all the time, we spent together (only 6 weeks but it was CONSTANT) .. we only ever emailed and he never asked for pictures. When he left ... and we said goodbye, I sent him a link to my facebook page so he could lurk there if he so desired. The demon in me thinks he is very grateful that he dodged THAT bullet of his kittie actually being a pigdog.

But mostly I don't care anymore (or I try very hard). I am what I am ... I can't change that & most of the time I can tell the demon to go fuck itself. I have lost over 60 pounds since I made my self discovery. I will never be beautiful though. But I am a good person and am learning to like myself more everyday. 

I want to thank Dauntless & all the others who have given their opinions about self-image. And I want to especially thank his slut for her honesty and frankness in her posts. She really was the catalyst that inspired me to dig deep and hopefully silence the inner demon once & for all! And maybe even one day I will be able to look in the mirror and now want to spit at what is staring back at me. :D (and I am very happy that I could write this out without crying once!) 

CURSE YOU EVIL STEPMOTHER!!!!

It doesn't look like Cinderellie gets to go to the ball after all :'(

It's my own fault really. I left it too late. There are forms to fill out & interviews to be done (via email/phone) and no time! I did fill out the form though, but I have not heard back yet. The chances of being allowed to go are looking pretty slim. 

Oh well .. at least I will be ready for the next one (in about 2 weeks I think .. maybe sooner). 

Lookie, lookie I even had my "glass slippers" ready! 

*giggles* at least I am ready ... so WHERE ARE YOU FAIRY GODMOTHER???? 

*pout*

Cinderellie is Going to the Ball

There is a special play party this Saturday (they are usually the 3rd Friday of the month). This one is to celebrate somebody's birthday. Ok so I have never been to a play party but I do know about them ....

Anyway, I have been invited and by fuck Imma gonna go!!!!!! I even have a friend willing to take me around & introduce me etc.

I have no idea what I am going to wear ... The theme is .... TOPLESS!! O.O

Do I dare?!?!?!? Will I play?!?!?

Who knows!!!!!

All I know is that I am going & I am gonna have me some FUN!!!

(((hugs)))
gk

Alright ENOUGH of all this Angst Shit Already!!!

I am sooooo OVER it (well I AM working on it at any rate!). It's time to put this fucking puppy to bed once & for all.

I have been doing alot of thinking about what's next. And I have figured a few things out!

- I am done putting myself out there. I may well be submissive BUT I am far too much of an emotional creature to keep leaving myself vulnerable.

hmmmm, I guess I no longer say (with pride) "I am NOT afraid of being hurt because if you don't open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt then you are closing yourself off to the potential of something really great" ... Well no more. I wouldn't say I am now afraid of being hurt exactly ... I just can't handle it anymore. It's too much.

- That being said .. there is still a big ol' world of kink out there & I am going to explore it (just stay the fuck out of my head people - just say NO to mind fuckery!!!). But no .. I will not be a sub ... a "kinkster",  a "bottom", "a masochist", a "brat" sure I can do that .. but no more sub! Just some good old fashion fucking fun!!!!

- So I am going to endeavour to become one with my local community, get out there ... meet some peeps, maybe score a little action here or there. It's time to put the stupid little subbie kittie to bed & bring out the bad ass cougar out!  .. don' t fuck with me! RAWRRRRR! - heh .. in theory anyway.  

I am forever a "work in progress"

Oh ...

And one final note AND I promise to NEVER mention it again. This is for the Batman (it's been bugging the hell out of me):

You said a couple of time I may or may not have ruined Star Wars for you ... WELL I hope I have (and Batman too)..

Never again will you be able to look at either of them without thinking of me, and not "with a smile" but with regret. Regret for not having the courage to take the chance with me, even though you know it would a been the best thing to ever happen to either of us! FUCKING EPIC!

Oh well ... I hope you have a nice "safe" life (enjoy your history) .....................
(you said I was an awesome sub, but apparently not good enough for you) :'(


..... ONWARD HO!

Pain

It still really hurts, although I am slowly getting better.

The first two weeks were hell. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat ... I couldn't talk. I was a hot mess. Just trying to get thru the work day was torture. I was barely holding it together ... it was so obvious, but nobody could approach me. It was a good day if I could just make it home without breaking down at least once. And once I got home .. I would lose it completely. *sighs*

It was like being held captive in my own house and in my own head. There was no escape, everywhere I looked there were reminders.

I was grateful for that fateful day, when I ran into Former D. If nothing else, he provided a much needed distraction from my angst. But really not once in those crazy couple of days, did you ever leave me .. not for a second. But I had to pick up my socks, try to move forward. And Former D to the rescue! (although he didn't know it). I really did wish that I could have been with him ... just to try to erase you from my head & my memories.

But things are slowly getting better now. I know life must go on and I must keep moving forward. I have good days & bad. I can talk again without being reduces to a blubbering idiot and I can laugh.

Today was a bad day. Today I just wanted to crawl under the covers & never come out. Today was a day, where it was hard to breath .. the ache in my very being was huge .. consuming me. I want today to be over.

But I am angry now too. Another useless emotion that does not help. It makes me want to lash out. To call you vile names .. to call you a stupidhead ... to be hurtful.

I would love to masturbate ... I have tried once already. I couldn't finish before I started sobbing uncontrollably. I suppose that is to be expected considering how you did control those actions. Maybe it was too soon?

I have never felt this way, about anybody else, as I did with you. and I have never felt this type of pain before either.

I did not just lost my Dom .. I have lost a piece of me.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better.

Wrestling Fetish?!?!?!?!

So I have been talking to this guy for the past couple of days  on Fetlife. He's a 30 year old switch ... sorta cute, but still a SWITCH *rolls eyes* meh.

Anyway, he has a MAJOR wrestling - oh excuse me - "sensual wrestling" fetish.

He wants "to show me the ropes" & he will even "let me win" cuz "winner takes all" O.O

I don't know. Maybe.

I have ALOT of aggression right now & would seriously LOVE to beat the shit out of something right about now. Not to mention, I could really use a good fuck!!!

Hmmm, who knows ..... Maybe ......

side note: posting from an iPhone SUCKS!!! ..... Just sayin'

Do You Believe?

Websters Dictionary discribes soul-mates as thus:

soul mate

 noun

: a close friend who completely understands you

: a person who has the same beliefs and opinons as another person

Full Definition of SOUL MATE

1

:  a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament

2

:  a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs <ideological soul mates>

 See soul mate defined for English-language learners »

Examples of SOUL MATE

1. a husband and wife who are perfect soul mates
2. They are ideological soul mates.

In Wikipedia it goes like this: 

Current usage of the concept[edit source | editbeta]

In current usage, "soulmate" usually refers to a romantic partner, with the implication of an exclusive lifelong bond.^[6] This is to say, the word is used with more rarity than the terms also associated with 'romantic partner'. The term is a very versatile term, being defined differently by different individuals, as it is related to the concept of love. It commonly holds the connotation of being the strongest bond with another person,^[7] romantically, that one can achieve. The term is not used as often as other terms representing the same idea, and this is likely to lead to its perceived rarity in meaning. The definition of it ranges widely, and cannot be pinpointed. It is commonly accepted that one will feel 'complete' once they have found their soul mate, as it is partially in the perceived definition that two souls are meant to unite.

Me: 

I don't necessarily agree with the theory that it means only happiness with one person.  I believe that you can find happiness & contentment with many different people. But I do believe that there is somebody out there that is perfect for you. They complete you and fulfill you, in ways you never dreamed possible. The connection is so strong,and so organic, that everything just flows so naturally between you, it feels like you don't even have to try

There might even be different types of soul mates. I believe I have 2 actually. 

The Brat is my homosexual life partner. We have been inseparable for nearly 2 years now. We just clicked .. instantly. All our friends call us the "old married couple" ... we certainly are the ODD COUPLE.  I am sure we would not be as close if it weren't for the fact that he is gay. And NO ... do NOT call  me his FagHag .. that word is DISGUSTING .. well, both those words make me physically ill. No,  I am his Guardian Jedi. And even his mother LOVES ME! .. and more shocking still is that my parents love him! Why is this weird & why are we "the ODD couple?". Well I just turned 47 and he just turned 21 ... it's weird, even by my standards but it's us ... we are soulmates! We just are what we are. 

Me & the Brat! 

(I KNOW RIGHT ... WE ARE SOOOOOOO CUTE!) 

And the other??? .....Well he doesn't believe so it doesn't matter (even though HE SO IS!!!)  ..... 

But seriously, I would be interested to hear what others think about the theory of soul mates.

Do YOU believe??? 

With a Little Luck (and a Prayer)

We have had a tragedy here in my fair city, this morning.

A double decker city transit bus has struck a passenger train! Of course, it's still too soon to know much but apparently the stop did not stop at the train crossing, even though the lights were flashing and the gate was down. The train was just coming in to the station, so it was not going horribly fast. The whole front end of the bus was sheared off and the engine of the train derailed but thankfully the rest of the passenger cars remained upright on the track.

There are multiple casualities and 6 confirmed fatalies, all aboard the bus.

The reason I am telling you all this?

A very good friend of mine was meant to be on that bus. She made it to the bus station and decided to make a mad dash to the bus that was already loading. She made it! A split decision and about 8 minutes, probably saved her life!

And my own beloved best friend, the Brat, too was supposed to take the bus this morning (& it probably would have been THAT bus!!) but due to sheer laziness on his part, he decided (again at the last minute) to take his car to school instead and thank the Gods he did!!!

So, while I am both shocked & saddened by this tragic accident, I am also grateful, that those I care about are safe.

Please take a moment to say a prayer for those effected by this. And please, give your own loved ones an extra special hug & tell them you love them.

Life is short & in a blink of an eye ........................

((((HUGS))))
geekie kittie

:'(

Hmmm, Lost Blog & an update!

I was just inford by a friend that my blog is "missing" ... Which explains alot actually!!

It's probably my fault too, I changed the URL & forgot/didn't know that it wouldn't automatically change throughout blog land!!! D'oh!!

So if I comment with on your blog I will probably attach my new URL along with it!!!

D'oh indeed!! *blush*

UPDATE:

I realized, especially today that I need this blog. It's the only real place I have to express myself, especially with stuff I can't talk about, to people in my real (vanilla) life. So for better or worse ... Blog land, you're stuck with me!! :P

We Were There For You New York! ... On this day 12 years ago ....

Back in the day, I was a communicator (radio operator) in the Canadiam Navy. I don't know about other country's navies but our number one mandate is to SAVE LIVES.

We were out on a week long exercise, just my ship. It was a boring & mundane kind of trip. We were just off the coast of Virginia.

It was just after 7am, I was tired & looking forward to watch chamge over. I was the watch supervisor & we were just finishing up a very quiet mids (2330-0730) watch (shift) & I was ready for my rack (bed).

I will never forget when that first FLASH message came over the broadcast teletype (messages we receive from shore stations). Flash traffic only means one thing EMERGENCY!! And we weren't in the middle of any exercises or war game so gut reaction was OH FUCK! Cuz it was a NO DUFF situation (real). I read it. ... Plane struck North Tower @ WTC in NYC!! My initial reaction was not good ... "What again?!?!?!?" I was thinking  back to that accident a few years before with that small plane. 

But it was a FLASH and had to be dealt with immediately & POOF I am wide awake & swinging into again!! Sending one of my subordinates off to get the big boss (POTEL & total fucktard), then I grabbed the message myself and went into the OPS room to deliver the message to the Operations Officer to deal with it. This was done within minutes of receiving this message. And I am bouncing by now. Thinking if this WAS just an accident then why was it a FLASH. 

My counterpart (the next watch) had come to the Communication Control Room (CCR) and was ready to take over the watch. Meanwhile the broadcast teletype was churning out more FLASH traffic, most of it repeating what had already been stated & a few insignificant updates. 

The POTEL showed up, very cranky at having been woken up (remember he IS a fucktard - a most hated one at that). Then the Captain came by, grabbed his message file & asked for any updates before darting into the Ops room, next door. We were all kinda "ok, so now what?" ...

Then the broadcast operator yells "FUCK!!! FLASH FLASH FLASH! Another plane just hit the other tower!!!!"

OH FUCK! NYC IS UNDER ATTACK! 

I grabbed the message & ran into the Ops Room, right to the Capt. 

SIR! FLASH MESSAGE - another plane has hit the WTC" ... 

It got deathly quiet in there for about 30 seconds. The Capt took the message and thanked me. I went back into the CCR ... We were all stunned. Even the fucktard had the grace to not sau anything stupid (at that point). 

It wasn't long before the PIPE was made over the ships intercom system. 

"This is the Capt speaking. This morning the WTC has been hit by 2 planes .... It appears that the US is under attack. We must be prepared to aid & assist in anyway possible. More to follow when an action plan has been made. That is all"

Well the whole ship was awake & abuzz by now (350 people). The rumour mill started churning!

We are going to NYC .. We are going to war! etc etc

I was about an hour past my shift change but I was bouncing off the walls. 

Each watch (shift) consists of about 6 people plus there are 6 signalmen (visual communicators) & various supervisors. The CCR can comfortably accommodate maybe 10 people to be able to run efficiently. Nobody wanted to leave. It was hard for Shep (my counterpart) & his people to do their jobs ... But we all wanted to stay & help. 

The FLASHES were coming in at a steady pace. The port of NYC was closed, airspace was restricted ... Nothing unexpected.  

Those people not on watch had a choice they could help or they could go to their racks ... Everybody stayed.

I managed to run to the galley (dining area) to grab a drink & go for a quick smoke. It was packed in there. Somebody had managed to get a really weak sugnal on the TV & you could almost make out the sound & images. Horrifying from what I could tell.

I got back to the CCR (getting stopped frequently by people asking/telling me WE'RE GOING!), just as the OPS Suprrvisor was coming to the CCR. We have a new COMSTATE, we need it up & running as fast as possible! 

So Shep, myself, our supervisor & even the Fucktard took a look & our collective jaws dropped to the floor. There were new voice channels, data channels, ops channels, command channels, emergency channels. And backs ups because more than likely we would be losing our borrowed US Satellite feeds. 

CRAP! I think every piece of our equipped was going to used for this! Shep would start setting up the different transmitters/receivers/dishes/ etc etc.My job was the crypto (top secret codes). I actually had to look alot if it up (lots if technical when it can be used when you had to change it when it had to be destroyed yadda yadda yadda). So many strict rules & guidelines ... Serious business crypto is. We had most if it in our safes in the CCR but I would need to get the Communications Officer to take me back to the vault & sign out the rest if it.

That day was such a blur of activity .... Kaos amidst the horrible kaos was unfolding in New York. 

We worked getting endlessly getting that comm plan up as fast as we could ... One channel at a time .. 

All the while hearing more & more horrific news. The downed plane, the attack on the pentagon, the towers collapsing. Would the hits ever stop coming?

Time stopped, the ship was a flurrie of activity.

The only news was coming out of the CCR via teletype (data). Everybody was anxious for any info at all, the tv signal long lost & no "radio" channels available. 

We started slowly steaming (salling), towards NYC, waiting for the word to come assist. 

"Are we going? Are we going?" Echoed throughout the ship .. Everybody wanting to help with an equal part of eagerness & dread.

It took us most of the day to get the new COMSTATE fully up & operational. The "watch" changed again at 1130 but nobody noticed as nobody had gone anywhere & nobody planned on going anywhere.

Except for the fucktard. Apparently he had "disappeared" sometime in the morning .. Nobody even noticed (or gave a fuck for that matter). I don't remember too much of what hsppened during the day, so focused on the job at hand & keeping eyes on the broadcast teletype for more news. 

The fucktard sauntered in at about 1600hrs (4pm) ... Shep & I were sitting at the Watch supervisor station, going through the commstate, confident that we FINALLY had everything up & working properly. The Capt was satisfied & the Ops room working properly. And there is Fucktard standing there staring at Shep & I, with his jaw hanging open like the idiot he is. Apparently he found it inconceivable that we would miss rack time in order to get the job done *rolls eyes*

And by then, we were informed that we would not be required in NYC ... The US had closed up ranks & did not want any outside help ... Understandable. But we were to stay on stand by & "thank you for your assistance" 

I don't really remember much after that. It was almost time for watch turnover again - 1830 (630pm). Things were almost quiet & almost back on an even keel. I don't remember why ... Probably because I was still do wired & we were still tweaking the new circuits, but I opted to stay up on watch with Shep ... Aiding & abetting, although I made sure the rest of my watch got some rack time.

So we are doing this & that. Cleaning up, getting things back in order. I know I was reading thru all the messages that had come in that day ... Still horrified & in shock.

 Then at 2200hrs (10pm) the Inmarsat satellite phone rang! That thing is more of a paper weight than anything for the amount of use it gets. So I answer it ...

"TELLMEYOU'REPINGINGTHATPLANE!!!"

"Excuse me, Sir?"

"THIS IS LT PANIC BUTTON CALLING FROM

NORAD!!!   TELLMEYOUAREPINGINGTHATPLANE!!!!!"

"Please Sir, calm down & repeat slowly Sir"

*swears at me* but complies ...

"This is Lt Panic Button, there is an identified aircraft in your vicinity, go to the Ops room & make sure they have it in radar!"

"Right away Sir, stand by"

FUCK! Haven't all planes been grounded????

The Ops room DID indeed have it on radar, I informed him & hung up the phone. I never found out anything more about this mysterious plane. 

I went out to the upper decks for some air & a smoke. I watched the sky & never felt smaller in my entire life.

I went back to start my watch @2330. It was a quite mids shift & finally after about 30 hrs of straight work & high stress, I went to my rack at about 0800 the next morning. I had trouble sleeping! 

We floated around in international waters just off the coast til the next Sunday ... Ready & waiting .. Standing by for the call to assist, that never came.

When I finally got home, my ex had recorded at leash 8 hours of news coverage from the day. I sat there for HOURS just watching everything unfold. I was like a deer caught in the headlights. It was made oh so much more real to me than having "lived" thru it once already! :'(

I was fortunate enough to be able to visit ground zero & pay my respects, just 13 months later. It was still so raw, so haunted, so sad. I only meant to be there an hour but 4 & a half hours flew by in a heartbeat, & I finally had to drag myself away with a heavy heart!

I want to thank Joeyred52, for his moving post this morning. You made me think about that day & my little part in it (something I had not done in a very long time) & you inspired me to commit it to writing. (((hugs)))

Ooo, I just realized that is the last trip I ever took! I got posted to Ottawa (to the crypto unit, which is kinda itonic after thay) where I subsequentially retired)!!!

(((hugs))) to lose who lost their lives or lost loved ones, all those injured, the first responders, volunteers & everybody else effected! 

:'(

I LIED!!!! This ONE is the last .... Task Completed!

I guess I want to leave on a happier note.

I was given a task before everything went south. I was to make my own ball gag. I had 10 days to complete it. Today is the 10th day. It still needs some finishing touches but it COULD be used as is.

Being the Star Wars geek that I am, I insisted on this:

It has been the source of much humour! But alas it does not exsist ... or it didn't.

So Sir ... I finished my task!!

Was there ever any doubt???? ;P

It IS too big but *shrug* that hardly matters now. 

Peace out! 

geekie kittie

The Silence is Defeaning

The Batman has never been in my house yet his presence is EVERYWHERE.

I had to let him go last night. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It's not something I wanted to do .... it was the LAST thing in the world that I wanted to do. I am devastated!

I had to do it (he would have done so eventually anyway), because he needed me to let him go .. he even thinks it's what he wants.

The complications proved to be too much and I couldn't stand the turmoil he was in.

So my collar has been retired .. never to see the light of day again because it will forever be his. My email is quiet ... nothing more to look forward to. All the boreball games have been removed from my calendar. Misty will never realize her true purpose in life....

... and me, well I am done. The hurt is very raw & I am exhausted. I mean when I say, that I am NOT afraid of getting hurt because without opening ourselves up to the possibility of getting hurt we are closing ourselves off to the possibility of all the good out there as well. The risk was well worth it but that does not make the it any less painful.

I am going away, blogland. I feel there is no purpose for this blog anymore.

I want to thank everybody who has ever read my bumbling ramblings these past few months, your comments and friendships have been a great source of comfort and help to me. I have learned so much from all of you!

I am off .. to lick my wounds and get back to my geeky little life. (who knows, I might even come back someday).. *shrug*

MTFBWY always!

geekie kittie