Blurred Lines

Who Am I? (I always sing that question as Valjean in Les Miserables)

But yes, who am I? It's a question I have been asking myself over and over again for the past year.

I am not one who likes to be labelled. I usually will raise quite the stink if somebody tries to pigeonhole me! But in reality, I do it to myself all the time ... geek, Star Wars fangirl, weird, non-conformist .. yadda yadda yadda. With the exception of the Star Wars thing, those are pretty lose terms.

All I really know for certain is that I DO identify as "submissive"

But really what does that even mean?

A year ago, I was slowly learning ... learning about this lifestyle and all it entails. I didn't really know too much about it when I first met Mr Experience and more importantly FormerD. Truthfully, the only thing I really knew about BDSM was the porn aspect of it. And really, it probably has always peaked my interest, it was never something I thought I could bring myself to do (probably more to do with fear than anything else) ... I would have never even thought to approach anybody about it .. ever. So when opportunity comes a-knocking.

But with FormerD, I had alot of free time on my hands & he encouraged me to start researching. It was pretty early days when I discovered blogland and I am so glad that I did. I found that googling the different aspects of  this lifestyle was not all that helpful. I have learned more about stuff & who I am thru reading these blogs then in any other research that I have done. This whole BDSM thing was definitely more than meets the eye.

So I am submissive .. or I have submissive inclinations to be more accurate. (It's been too long since I have felt like a sub & ooooh the NEED is great at the moment *sighs*)

In the beginning, it was very cut & dry to me .. black & white if you will. I was a sub ... not a slave, not a little, not poly, or pet or a "service" sub, A sub ... FormerD's sub, only for him. Cut & dry .. no blurred lines at all!

He was very sure of himself (especially for somebody who too had relatively little experience) ... he knew how he was. He is Dom & he is a sadist. And for him, I was a sub, his fuck toy, his pain slut. Very cut & try. I just had a hard time admitting it ...especially pain slut. For the time we were together I kept thinking of him as my "boyfriend". How very different a Dom is compared to a boyfriend. But I guess in my naivety that was just what worked for me. It really wasn't until after he had gone that I really realized what type of "relationship" we had. I mean I did know it all along but admitting it was something else all together.

And it wasn't until after the relationship ended, that I really embraced who I was.

With the other "experiments" I had during the time between FormerD & MyBatman ... there really wasn't too much I found appealing.

I kind of went thru a sub frenzy during that time.

The CSM helped me with a "tune up" when I was really needy. But I did not feel submissive to him at all.

MrD was nothing .. a small blip in my life.

PWP ... now maybe that could of had potential (by then I was already talking with MyBatman) but in all honesty ... he was 95% CLINGY, NEEDY boyfriend & 5% Dom. That 5% wasn't bad & I probably would have liked more of that but that 95% needy boyfriend was soooo NOT what I wanted at all. It was bad .. he would look over my shoulder while I was emailing or texting somebody .. "who's that?" .. fuck he even went thru my purse once. And really we were together what? A week maybe? I definitely did NOT feel submissive with him at all .. not even when we played. He just had an air of desperation about him that I could not live with.

So back to me ... by this time everything was still pretty black & white. I had been blogging & reading .. I joined fetlife & collarme. I was sure that yes I was a sub. I could never be a little or a pet or a service sub or any other kind of sub. Cut & dry.

And then there is MyBatman. We literally just winged it as we went. And once the Dom in him claimed me as His ... all molds were shattered.

With MyBatman, I just was. I was me .. bratty, sassy, crazy ol' me. And he was unlike anybody I have ever been with before. He brought out alot in me .. alot of things I never really knew existed. And he was so different from FormerD .. in all aspects.

Things were no longer cut & dry. I found myself wanting to be more than just a submissive (by order of definition that I had with FormerD).

I like to think that it was mutual. MyBatman had told me on more than one occasion that he too was going places he had never gone before .. I inspired him & I was his muse.

Together we explored new territory for both of us.

I always thought that I could never be a little ... From what I have seen (mostly on tumblr), DD/lg was just plain weird ... I could never act like a little girl .. talking in baby voice, and being all gaga for "Daddy" .. yet there were many times with MyBatman that I had strong urges to call him Daddy. Weird! Weird even just writing it right now. But a DaddyDom by it's very definition is someone who nurtures & encourages. This fits MyBatman to a T. I don't think even he realized this fact. But he was always all that & so much more. He called me his muse & said I was fearless but I could have never been those things without him, so really we just pinged off each other really well.

But a little ... me? No I could never see me acting like a childish silly "little" ... I say this just after spending 2 days sick in bed .. cuddling my Moopey (a big stuffie) and watching Disney movies. So yeah ... maybe there is a bit of little in me somewhere. It's all about how you see it, I guess. I could never be THAT kind of little but it is still there in some aspects.

Then there is the whole pet aspect of things. This too, is something I would have never thought of to become. Sure I like kittie ears (I won't say how many kittie hoodies I now own .. just say more than one), and I call myself kittie (cougar sometimes too). But to see that sort of play online .. I think no way. Yet, here we are again with MyBatman. He loved my collar .. I was to wear it at all times while I was in my house (except for sleep) .. and my cuffs too for that matter. And He loved to have me crawl on all fours and I even bought a water dish that I was to drink out of in the evenings. And a leash, and eventually, a tail & cage. With Him, again, this just came naturally to me. I liked doing these things for him. One of my biggest joys, would be to (virtually of course) ... curl up at his feet, while he works at his desk & have a "cat" nap. And for Him, I was always pet or kittie.

I don't know ... it was all so natural. Being these things that I always just swore were NOT me. And there was no coercion .. no asking, no demand, it just sorta grew as we went.

So who am I now ... a year in?

I am me ... just me. I cannot say that I am a little, nor can I say that I am a pet. I am submissive and I think that whoever I am with, can & will bring out certain aspects of who I am (apparently there are lots of different versions in there).

I cannot & would not submit to just anybody. I don't know .. it has to mean something. I guess what I am saying is .. chemistry & connection.

Keeping an open mind & an open heart is truly key to finding out who you are. I think I can be many things for different people. Hells, I would even switch if that was needed from me ... just minus the humiliation (verbal especially)  .. I will NEVER do that to anybody.

And of course one thing is for certain ... I WOULD NEVER BE A DOMME!