Couldn't Have Said It Better

I just read this on tumblr .... well it just spoke to me so I thought I would "steal" it ....

“She deserves better, you say. I say: You’re a goddamn coward. What she deserves is an actual person she can connect with. She deserves you, or me or the entire world; she deserves someone achingly real and honest. She deserves a human being equally raw to pursue her and love her and, perhaps, destroy her emotionally, but she deserves all that as well. She doesn’t deserve anyone’s sugary fairytale. She deserves to float freely, with you, or me, or the world, into the very depths of her own psychosynthesis. She deserves to explore the meaning of the word "intimacy", with someone beside her that will care regardless. She fucking deserves all of it. So, pluck up the courage and be with her or leave her in peace but don’t you dare "sell" her your own "inadequacy" as a lie so that, again, you manage to comfort your conscience and eventually come to feel that you love her exactly because you’re letting her go. Because, darling, that’s bullshit. That’s only your own little self-created lie laying behind a much bigger lie; it’s not even properly concealed within itself, you fucking idiot.”

—	All These Things You Wish You’d Say (via perfect)

I'm a Geek Girl Now (and yes a walking contradiction!)

This was the last day of a 4 day con .. FanExpo in Toronto. I had just finished 3 hours straight in our photobooth & I was POOPED! I asked the Brat to take a photo of me in front of the droids (all remote controled & handmade by some of our members .. just sayin')... Anyway, I didn't know "Wandering Dana" was there from the Geek Girls website. This pic showed up on my wall the other day.

I am posting it to prove that yes I do smile and I don't really hate this pic. I get "into character" when doing my Star Wars thing. Yes the inner demon is ALWAYS with me but usually I can squash it.

How weird is that though? I absolutely HATE HATE HATE, getting my picture taken but have had literally posed for thousands of them in the past 2 years. I KNOW .. I don't really "get" me either.

To be fair to my inner demon though .. I don't actually see 99.9% of the photos taken ... but they do creep onto my facebook wall more & more.

Anyway ... to those who said I should smile .... there ya go!

Happy Hump Day!!!! (We are getting our first snow fall of the season right now!!! BOOOOOOOOOOO!)

Geez ... do I have to spell it out????

I got an email from the CSM today .. first time I have heard from him since the beginning of the summer.

We caught up & I filled him in on my roller coaster of a summer & it's aftermath.

And he just kept pushing .... you need a tune up (hint hint)

- No I don't want one

Yes you do

- No I really really don't

Yes you do ...

- Really?!?!?!

Oh now I have offended you. *pouty face*

- No you didn't offend me ... you are just not listening.

I am a changed woman. I am in no hurry to get my heart ripped out & thrown back at me again, anytime soon!

The walls have been re-erected, I am angry & I am bitter. *shrug*

I am moving forward slowly & steadily. I don't cry every day anymore & I am talking to people ... ever moving forward but ...

... Until such time as I am ready to face this part of my life again (besides hanging out on tumblr - nice & safe there & I can be in control) - I am making friends & having fun .. nice, no stress, no bullshit, just fun.

I can offer you friendship until such time as it feels right FOR ME ... take it or leave it.

---
Sorry bloggers, I just had to vent!!!!!

Never TELL ME how I am really feeling because you will be WRONG!

fuck I'm fun! ;)

- end of rant

Epilogue

He FUCKING LEFT ME?!?!?!

I couldn't believe he left me. There I was naked, ass in the air, collared & blindfolded, on my living room floor & he just walked out!

I knelt there motionless for about 5 minutes after he had gone, still kind of shocked. But then I started to giggle and I thought .. how appropriate! I don't know why I thought that but I did.

Ooo I was starting to get cold! I need to move now!!! I literally had to crawl back over to the couch (yes I finally took the blindfold off before I moved), I climbed up onto the couch, wrapped myself in a blanket & just collected myself.

What time is it???? I looked, hmmm, not quite 930pm. Wow, all that all in 3 hours! OMG!

OMG! I am parched!!! I needed water in the worst possible way, but I was not too sure that my legs would support me. Hmmm, I very gingerly got up & slowly made my way into the kitchen where I inhaled at least a liter of water in one gulp. Then I threw on my sweats & t shirt that I had the foresight to leave down in the bathroom downstairs & then I went outside for a smoke.

My mind was racing .. going over everything that had happened. It was intense & erotic & way more sensual then I had ever imagined it would be. I was not even bothered that he left me the way he did. I know why he did it ... I still couldn't believe that he did it but the man loved his mind fuckery!

I slowly & gingerly made my way upstairs to my bathroom, where I striped & washed up. There were some nice bruises already forming on my boobs & lots of scratches from the pin or whatever it was that he chose to mark me with (I don't think it was one of the warbuton wheelie thingys though). The dirty word he wrote across my belly was already faded, I couldn't even see it (much to his disappointment).

Then I crawled into bed to wait for him to come online. I didn't have long to wait but I was almost asleep (passed out) when he did.

"Wasn't that very naughty of me? I just wanted to make sure that you are not mad at me"

*giggles*

.....

That whole first time we were together, I was blindfolded & neither one of us spoke a word. He said I did scream at one point & I do remember him give a little chuckle over the clothespin. He also made a very audible "OH" when I grabbed his cock with one hand & rubbed the head of it with the palm of the other! ;)

Other than that, it was a night of pure sensation. And oh what a night it was!!!!! *dreamy sighs*

Yeah,  considering he had said we were going to chat & "I may or may not fuck you" ... I think it went rather well!  *giggles*

-------

It would take me, 2 more "play sessions" to earn the right to hear his voice & to see his face. (and another 3 weeks all together)

The first involved me submitting to him spanking me until HE was satisfied. This scared me a little bit because we never really did alot of that in the first go around. But we did it. And his first words to me .... "fuck, you can take alot, precious!" .. I was very proud.

And to earn the right to see his face (he was very reluctant to give up the blindfold), I had to worship his body. I made a suggestion about that, but apparently I was "topping from the bottom", which did not go over very well at all. I got yelled at over it, which in turn, pissed me off & made me not do something he had commanded me to do & I did not speak to him for 3 days. After the 3 days, I apologized for my brattiness & told him of my sin. Well, I guess the thought of punishment was a great thing because he literally got in his car at 3am & drove to my house .. on a Monday morning (I didn't have to work that day but he did & I would be trooping my Star Wars stuff all day anyway). The punishment was swift & hard & I felt horrible for it, but in the end I finally got rid of the blindfold. I love love LOVE people's eyes and it was very hard for me not being able to see him this whole time! And he had smokin' HAWT eyes. The type of eyes you get lost in when staring into them. *drools*

--------

We were together all of 6 times in 3 months. Each of them different but glorious in their own rights. I could detail each on of them as they are blazed into my mind, but I won't.

But they did include a very interesting car ride that included my pants pulled down around my ankles!

And a surprise, inpromptu visit on a Sunday evening. "I honestly didn't come here for this!!! I just really wanted to see you", he said as he put his pants back on!!! *giggles*

Unfortunately we did not get to spend alot of time together, he was always so busy ... work, his kids, then his mom fell & broke her knee. I would have liked more from him ... I was very eager to experience new things. Him too ... "Precious, if I could .. I would take it ALL!!!!!"   OH MY! *blush*

One thing he did do "for me" .. I was very nervous because I had to do a photo shoot for a magazine. It was happening right after work, at my office. I hate getting my picture taken & this was such a big deal because it was for an article in a magazine! ... Anyway, he instructed me to go into the bathroom at work, at noon, & remove my panties & I was not allowed to wear them again until after I got home!!! Now every time my mother shows people the magazine article & picture I blush .. people just think I being modest but I know that underneath my Star Wars Sith robes I am nekid!!!!!!


We had a bad habit of never "talking" when we were together. He didn't like to talk about "important" stuff online but would rather do it in person, the only trouble with that was his Domliness would take over as soon as he walked into the house & all thoughts of "talk" seem to be left at the front door! .. not that I ever complained!!!

-------

But like I said I wont go into the six times we were together (I just babble on & on  though apparently ...
I will probably post about the last time we were together because it was as memorable as the first time .. just for very different reasons.

-----

And this was my introduction into this lifestyle. He may not have had a ton of experience (and I had NONE), but I don't think I could have wished for anything more .......... I will always cherish him & our time together.

OH WHAT A NIGHT!

Where were we? Ah yes ....

I am spread out ... knees apart, ass in the air, forehead kissing the floor. I can hear him ... standing there, just off to the side of me & slightly back. I cannot see him but his breathing is all I can focus on. I am acutely aware of his presence.

What is he doing????

He stands there for what seems like forever ... not touching, not speaking, just standing.

What is he thinking about???

Maybe he doesn't like what he sees or he can't decide what to do?

We are suppose to be having a chat!

Right?

I swear I am so full of nervous energy & excitement I can barely contain myself. I know it is visible .. the trembling, I swear I am shaking like a leaf. Is he going to spank me? Is it going to be rough???

DO SOMETHING MAN!!!!!

And then he touches me, the softest of caresses up my spine! A touch that was so hot, it was like the leather corset had melted away.

I am surprised I didn't melt into the floor, knees buckling. But I didn't .. I left a tremor go up my entire body though. He moves now .. he is standing in front of me.

I get my first look at him ... his socks & he is wearing jeans (I didn't expect that as he was just finished working). He bends down, he has something in his hands. Oh he had grabbed a scarf, which I had draped across the back of the couch.

He uses the scarf as a blindfold. (I had forgotten, I had straightened my hair & put it in a high pony tail because I HATE eating my own hair when I am trying to "eat" other things). It made it easier for him to tie the blindfold on anyway. Once he made sure that it was secure & I couldn't see, he pulled me up by my pony tail so I was in a kneeling position. He then grabbed my collar and put it around my neck (I had that collar from my "goth" days). My face was literally in his crotch as he leaned forward to fasten the collar (I wanted him in my mouth but he was still fully clothed!). And then he took another scarf (I think I had 4) and tied my hands behind my back!

Ok, so blindfold & collared & bound .. let the games begin!

He grabbed the O ring of the collar & jerked me up into a standing position. And he stood nose to nose for a minute ... lips scarcely touching mine .. not kissing, just there.

*shivers*

Then he moved. He stood beside me, well more into me, off my left shoulder, surrounding me with his presence. I can feel every inch of him too. His hard on against my hip, his legs on either side of my leg. The softness of his sweater all along my torso. His hot breath in my ear & on my neck, one point on my cheek. His hands roaming,

And I am thinking (just for a second) "Ooo he is exactly my height - 5'2" - shorter than he said at 5'8'.

But now, his hands are roaming. I am very happy to announce that my once too tight corset, was now too big, which gave him free access to expose my tits ... after he had pulled the spanky pants down to my knees. I was shaking by this point .. no definitely not because of nerves.

He moved in front of me again, after playing with my nipples, making them hard as rock..

He is right in my face! Oooo so close ... lips almost touching!

FUCK! KISS ME ALREADY!!!!

But he didn't, as he teased my lips, his hands made real quick work with the tongs on the corset & soon it was tossed aside & I was completely exposed for Him.

Now he started playing with my tits in earnest! Pulling, & pinching my nipples, biting and soft kisses. I have never been one who got much enjoyment out of "fondling" but holy smokes ... it was a good thing he was there to hold me up because my legs had already turned to jelly!

And then came the clothes pins. Of course I had never had this before (I was a BDSM virgin after all). I shuddered & I was a little nervous. The first one, He clipped on .. no problem whatsoever. But the second one.... I don't know which was more stubborn .. my left nipple or the clothespin that kept coming apart. He actually chuckled at one point while I struggled not to laugh out loud (I somehow think that would NOT have been well received). The clothespins didn't last too long, I think he got bored with that rather quickly.

He maneuvered me around my furniture and had me kneeling on the couch with my bound wrists hanging over the back of the couch. Then he stuffed my spanky pants in my mouth!!! o.O

I cannot really remember if he spanked me then. He didn't really spank me alot, that night ....

But he fucked me! He took me from behind, with me draped over the back of the couch ... spanky's still stuffed in my mouth. And then he turned me around, pinned my arms behind my back & finished what he started.

Missionary position? Hardly .. well sorta, but with my ankles pinned behind my head. And he fucked hard! Slamming into me for all it's worth, only stopping once to untie my hands (apparently he noticed that I was in alot of discomfort?!?! - who knew!!). And he came & collapsed. I loved the feel of the weight of him, pressing me down into the couch.

We cuddled for a few minutes. And he kissed me then. *swoons*

I figured we would have some good downtime .. maybe start that "chat" we were suppose to be having???

Wrong!

Our cuddle lasted approximately 5 minutes & then he rolled off of me, & grabbed my hands & put them to his cock.

OMG .. he was hard already! (still?) O.O

He sat me up & then sat down beside me. I was allowed to explore then. Fuck he had the softest hair & longish .. we sweeping bangs. So different from his picture! I wanted to see!!!!! To look into his eyes. But oh he felt so good. There is something to be said for letting your hands, your body, to see for you!

After letting me explore to my little hearts content. He slid me down to the floor so that I was kneeling in front of him & guided my mouth to him. He was quite keen on testing my gag reflexes so he controlled me.

All through out our chats prior to this he was quite happy to try to fuck with my mind about me rimming him. I don't think he quite believed me when I told him that I LOVED rimming :D ... he believed me after that. It wasn't long before I had him moaning & squirming. He pulled me up & I rode his cock,  teasing him, grinding into him & making him cum again!!! I made him shudder!!!! O.o  There is something powerful in making a guy shudder!

He gathered me close for another touchy feely, kissy face cuddle. Again, it did NOT last long before he was ready for more!

MORE?!?!

I had no idea what time it was or how long we had been "at it for" .. time had seem to stand still.

He got off the couch & left me laying there on my back. I couldn't believe that he was ready for more .. already! But he was. He was like my little energizer bunny! He stood beside me & guided my hands to his cock. (he was already hard too!) and I played with him a little bit & he played with me. And then he moved between my legs, threw them over my shoulders & fucked me harder still ... for the third time! And he came AGAIN!!!

Honestly ... I have never seen the likes!!!

But he was not done with me yet. He got out a pin or something & started tracing around my tits and down my stomach .. he even wrote a dirty word across my belly! And then he knelt back up bent me in half & then lowered my ass so it was resting against his stomach. He tortured me for what seems like forever ... finger fucking me hard & fast! I believe I screamed at one point! And by the time he was done with me, the only part of me still on the couch was from the hips down and that's only because he was holding them. He finally relented, helped me back up onto to the couch, holding me & letting me catch my breath.

We stood up and he lead me back to my "pillow" that was still on the floor from where I greeted him. He put me back down into the presenting position that I was in when he first got there. And then he left me alone. Slowly he got dressed, stopping often, to smack my ass, or pat my hair (my poor pony tail was a mess!), caress my back, pinch a nipple .. well you get the idea. And when he was done, he had finally remembered to do what he had threatened so often .. he moved in front of me so I may kiss his now covered feet (socks).

And then he grabbed his coat, put on his boots ...

and then ...

HE LEFT ME ................................................

Let's Talk About Sex!!!! (this is a sex blog right?????)

This is the story of mine first time with Former D & my first real adventure down the rabbit hole (Mr Experience sooooo did not even rate!) . Why? Because I am sick of all my depressing bullshit & well .. it was REALLY HAWT!

We had made plans to meet for coffee ... the proper thing to do when meeting somebody for the first time. Right?!?!  But my Former D, well he was a naughty one & thought it would be sexy & fun to meet at a sex shop instead. My poor vanilla mind!!!! Then changed his mind again!!!! "if I had my way, I would meet you half naked!"

My response ... "for coffee?!?!?!?" *giggles*

So that's what we did. A scant 3 weeks after we had started talking (on POF of all places), we had a date at my house. This is how he wanted our first meeting to go. We were going to talk & get to know one anothers' limits, & expectations, oh & he may or may not fuck me. ... at my house, with me half naked! o.O

He was very good ... I could have a safe call etc,and I had my safe words. He did ask that if I had changed my mind, to say RED, then give him a few minutes & he would walk out the door, no questions asked. Or if I needed to I could say YELLOW, he would immediately retreat, sit in a chair & await with his eyes closed for me to either come to him or ask him to leave. I found that to be all very overwhelming but was still very eager for this to transpire.

I was to be wearing lingerie (stocking optional) and nothing else. I was to have candles lit, my collar & my favourite toy (hitachi!!!) laid out, camera & music optional. CAMERA!!! Oh boi oh boi! Oh yes and don't forget the scarves & condoms!!!!! (a last minute detail HE had forgotten)

I was sooooo nervous all day (directed to wear no panties at all until I dressed for him), and sooooooooo wet, of course I was not to touch myself all day either. We were sending emails back & forth all day long .. the anticipation building!

I took a long time getting ready deciding what to wear, what to do with my rat's nest (hair) .. make up or no make up. I am not a big one for make up ... I hardly ever wear it so I decided I was not going to wear it that night either. This is me .. like it or leave it!

I decided on my black leather corset and black spanky pants (I don't think that's actually what they are called .. black panties with the ruffles on the butt!). I straightened my hair (it takes forever to do!) & I got dressed.

There was another email .. he is running about 30 minutes late. I was getting more & more nervous & wetter & wetter. But never once thought of cancelling - I wanted this sooooo bad, although I really had no clue what THIS was.

I had everything ready. I just had to get into "position" for when he knocked on the door. The anticipation was building .. I didn't know what to do with myself so I waiting & peeked out my kitchen window (curtains partially opened). We had exchanged pictures so I did know what he looked like & vice versa but it's not the same. I was meeting a virtual stranger for the first time .. in my house, in my skivvies .. fancy skivvies at that! But I had no idea what kind of car he drove etc etc. But when he did drive into my parking lot (well actually first he drove past it & had to double back) .. I just KNEW. I waited til he pulled into my parking spot then I ran into the living & got into position.

So there I was, on all 4's ... ass up, head down & arms out in front of me. This is how he wanted me to greet him! I could barely control my breathing as I waiting. I think I jumped a little bit as the door bell announced his arrival .. he waited about 30 secs then let himself in. I ceased to hear the music playing ... all I could hear was him, all my focus was on him. He would be able to see at least part of me as the living room is straight back from the front hall. He took off his coat & hung it up & then his boots. It seems like forever before I could hear him pad silently down the hall. I swear I stopped breathing as he stood there just to the left of me and I know by this point I was visibly trembling. Wondering how this was all going to play out ... our little talk (of course talking was the last thing on my mind - actually I think my mind had shut down by then) .............

to be continued .....................................

Well It's Official!!

I have officially lost my mind!!

I had been talking to this really nice guy from tumblr ... It's been fairly friendly ... Nothing dirty, maybe mildly flirtatious but harmless & then he said "it" & I lost it. I virtually lost my marbles, went postal on him even - poor guy is probably sitting there going WTF?!?!?!

And what horrible thing did he say to me????

He told me, *deep breath* that he thought I was .....
"awesome"

True Story :(

Happy Thanksgiving Day Canada

Enjoy your day! 

Coffee! But first ... Let's Have a Fire Drill!

I went in to work this morning. I didn't do anything special because of my coffee date later in the day. I usually just wear jeans & a t-shirt (& of course BOOTS - I seriously love boots). No make-up .. I usually will only wear make-up when going out out ... not work. I am way too stupid in the mornings to bother. I did think about it last night though, but then I thought, nope, this is somebody I will be seeing around the building all the time so I might as well just keep it real.

Our hours are different. I go into work very early (7am) and SafeD doesn't work until at least 9am. It's a weird feeling, knowing that there is somebody there, just like you, only you don't know who it is. Maybe it's him .. the one that just got on the elevator with you? Nope, he is going to the 7th floor and I know that SafeD works on the 3rd and he knows that I work on the 9th. But it defiantly makes you look at everybody with a sideways glance. :D

Anyway, he did email me at about 930, asking how my morning was & if we were still on for coffee. We bantered back & forth a bit for the next hour.

It's fire safety week here in our Nation's Capital ... at least for us lowly government workers anyway. And we had not had our "annual" fire drill yet this week. Leave it to the fire marshall's office to leave it til Friday. But I got the word ... it was happening around 1030. I sent SafeD the head's up .. he was glad for the diversion. I cheated & went for a smoke (yeah yeah .. I have that bad habit!!!) at 1030 - I love "breaking the rules". I got down to the main floor just as the firebugs arrived so it was imminent! I sauntered over to the designated gathering area. My seemstress' business is right behind my office & she was out having a smoke herself so we chatted & caught up when the people finally started sauntering out of the "burning building". Good I had a good vantage point.

I also cheated because I did have a fair idea of what SafeD looked like because he does have a couple of pictures of himself on Fetlife (clothed thankfully) & I spotted who I thought was him. And he actually was pretty close to where I was standing. I could have fun with this. He had his phone out. He would check his phone &  then look around ... searching maybe? *giggles* I was so tempted to send him a message on Fet (I didn't have his phone number!!). Then my people from the 9th floor started showing up. My partner in crime (and literally the only person I like from my office showed up) & I pointed out SafeD to him (we talk!! - he knows a little bit of my outside life but he is a dirty dog himself so it's all good).

"Oooo he's looking over here!" - I said there is no way he could know who I was! (I couldn't actually see SafeD  because there was now a small group of people standing between us & I wasn't 100% sure it was him).

Once the building was "deemed safe" they herded us back towards our building & for a fair portion of this .. SafeD & I were practically rubbing shoulders - we were side by side. And he had no clue!!! *giggles*

My buddy & I broke off from the masses & went to my preferred smoking area to wait out the traffic jam at the elevators. I lost sight of SafeD after that. But once I did make it back to my office, I sent him an email, asking him if he was wearing this & this. He responding affirmative & I said GOOD, we were walking side by side for a while there. He did NOT think this was fair at all ... bawhahahahaha!

I did think the whole thing to be terribly funny though and thought I would share that.

It was actually much more exciting then the actual coffee date! :P

Which didn't go too badly. It didn't last very long either because he had to go back to work. Not really alot of time to get into a good conversation about anything. It lasted maybe 25-30 minutes. And we mostly talked shop, which is utterly boring. He did talk a bit about his lifestyle. How long he has been in it (30 years) and what he is into etc etc. I mentioned my vast experience of what is it now - oh yeah, 10 months now (most of it, "in theory").

"Oh, you are into D/s then?"

NO!!!

I mean yes I guess I am BUT that is NOT what I am looking for at the moment. Farthest thing from it!!!

"I'm into impact play" - sounds perfect to me.

"I already have a wife and a sub, It's a handful" - oh you definitely wouldn't want me to be your sub then. ;)

And that was pretty much it. He went back into work and I left. I was not sure how "it" went. It was kind of weird for me, although like I said there really wasn't much time to talk. It was very hard to read him and I am sure he felt the same way about me. I am sure that I was giving off alot of mixed signals. It was just weird and I walked away unsure about the whole thing.

I went shopping after that ... the mundane shopping for essentials, although I did buy a dress!!!! (I never buy clothes - let alone dresses - I now own 2!). That took a couple of hours.

When I finally got home, I checked fetlife to see if SafeD had left a message .. hmmm, nothing. So I sent him one, thanking him for coffee, nice to meet you etc etc, really still having no clue as to how things went. He messaged me back right away.

So if nothing else, I think I have at least, made a friend (in the community) .... for now. We'll see.

Life Marches Ever Forward

I have not gone completely gloom & doom psycho bitch (just mostly)

I continue to troop with my Star Wars gang & getting busier every week. I continue to socialize with my friends. I do laugh & try to have fun once in awhile.

I am meeting lots if new people .. Both IRL & online (tumblr - who knew?!?!?!?)
I swear I meet a new Dom most everyday. I am pretty ambivalent about them though ... Mostly. my submissive kittie is still hiding under the bed - still licking her wounds.

One of the Doms I have met on Tumblr is from here. He is safe ... in an open marriage to a Domme, has a LDR with a sub, and is always looking for people to play with. Hmmmm.

Again, I AM trying to move forward ... Get on with life. I am going to go for coffee with this new potential play partner - Safe D, after work tomorrow. Oh yeah - I forgot to mention ... We work in the same building!!! He is 6 floors below me!!! O.o

(What are the odds?!?!? ... Meet on Tumblr, only to find out you are from the same city ... Only to find out that you work in the same building!!)

Anyway, I have no expectations ... I don't want anything BUT if there is fun to be had ... I might consider it. It would be awesome though to have somebody to play with ... Especially at work! First thing I would do ... Excise that fucking ghost that has taken up permanent residence in my office bathroom!!!!!

But whatever ... moving on .... RIGHT?!?!?!

*shrug* Sorry, I Can't Help It

It’s was 5 weeks ago today

 but It still feels like it was only yesterday.

I will NEVER stop believing!!!!!

How Much is Enough??? (final edit - I hope)

This has been a hard post to write because I cannot seem to get the words right ... so I am pretty much gonna wing it (don't I always)

I think that I have already established that I am a very emotional creature. I live by my emotions .. good or bad. I wear them on my sleeve.

If I think too much ... that's usually when I get myself into trouble & that negative little fucktard demon really invades my head (and yes it's way worse than what I stated in the other post). So I try to to over think things.

And I have been honest about being emotional ... first with Former D and then right on down the line.

I just don't know ... maybe I am too emotional to be a submissive? It is my understanding that "the gift of submission" is giving the body, mind & soul. But maybe that is too much?????

So how much of yourself do you give & when? It seems to me .. in my experience is the Dom wants it all and NOW.

From what I understand about D/s, Doms (okay sorry not all "Doms" just the really good ones) are very good at nurturing the soul of their submissive & taking care of them. I have absolutely no complaints there ... but what's a sub suppose to do when she has given all that is asked of her & so much more (being that she wears her emotions so openly) and then the Dom is done with her???

Does it hurt as much for the Dom? Does it hurt for them to breath? Or can they justify it? Well I did all I could when I was with her so my job is done? ... NEXT!

And other subs? How do you cope? There is so much time, effort & emotion that is brought into these D/s relationship ... they are way more intense than most vanilla out there ... it's in the very nature.

But what about when it ends? Then what???? Nobody ever talks about that. 

Now I am at a crossroads.

 I don't have that desperate need that I had before when Former D first left & I was so lost in a strange new world but ... 

 I am in limbo .. not ready to move forward but don't want to get stuck dwelling in the past either.

 I don't know if I can be that open & honest & too emotional person, that  "amazing" sub, again because I just don't know if I can handle being hurt anymore.

 Forget about the crazy roller coaster ride. I do believe that I am submissive but nature & I do believe once you go down that path there is no turning back ... 

But what do I do now????

Maybe I should go back to vanilla? No. 

Maybe I should try to become a "bottom" ... a kinkster?

Go to the play parties, because a social butterfuly, be "used & abused" by whoever wants (mutual agreement of course) ... don't get "involved" with any one person ... 

You know ... have fun!!

I would like to try that but .... 

it's NOT in my nature -  I am an emotional creature

*sighs* 

NOTE -  I was really not happy with the first (and second) post. It didn't really say what I intended it to say. It is about me & what I am feeling right now. I had no intention of Dom bashing or trying to make somebody else look bad. Anyway, after sleeping on it & thinking it over .. the original post just did not give me a warm & fuzzy feeling. Hopefully after this edit ... it conveys more of what I was trying to say. ... Or I might just take it down completely. (Welcome to my tangled mind)