When Your Body Betrays You

(and not in a good way).

The summer was hard on me. Well this is actually been a pretty hard year for me, health wise.

It seems like every day now, I have to fight with myself, just to get up & go to work. I think if I could I would just sleep my life away at this point. Yeah it's sucky.

I am not really sure what is wrong. My fibro has been a bitch.

Food & I are not friends anymore. I hate it, in fact. I usually have to force myself to eat, and then half the time, I am in agony afterwards.

I went to the Dr. a couple of weeks ago. He has me on monthly B12 shots and I have had to get extra blood work done because he was not happy with my thyroid. I am also waiting for a referral to go see a gastro specialist. And my rhuemotologist.

Fun times.

Really great times within the D/s realm too.

But this post isn't meant to be about my whining (honestly)

Through it all, I have been so grateful & lucky that my Wolf has been so patient & understanding.

The thing with being sick all the time is that it really gets into your head. The ultimate mind fuck? You stop feeling sexy, womanly, hot, submissive or whatever and more and more you just feel like an it. It is very easy to slip into depression.

But through it all my Wolf has been there. Learning & dealing. He has been amazing & I don't know how I ever got so lucky. Believe me, it's not easy to find anybody who is willing to try to understand what you are going thru let alone, help you thru it.

Poor guy got alot more than He bargained for when He gave me his collar *sighs*. He says He is NOT patient but ... well he is wayyyyyy more patient than I could ever be. He has kept the depression at bay & makes sure that I eat, sleep, get up in the morning (He even had to call me from Texas several times yesterday to wake me up). He never lets the pity party get out of hand.

And most importantly, He is just always there! No matter what. Even when I think that He would be so much better off without me. He is always there!

And for that I am the luckiest woman alive!

I love You Daddy! You ARE my awesome sauce!!!!!

Still Waiting for Summer!

WTF do you mean it is the 2nd of September?!?!?!  How the hell did THAT happen?

As always summer goes by in a flash. Why can't it be the opposite .. winter comes & goes & summer "drags out"?

*sighs*

I have spent most of my summer going back & forth to the cottage, every other weekend & the weekends I spend at home .. I seemed to have slept thru.

There was no big Fan Expo comic con at the end of summer for me this year. They had it on Labour Day Weekend & that is definitely COTTAGE WEEKEND .. not even Star Wars can outshine that.

I have been very negligent with my blog .. certainly not my intention at all. In fact .. I have lots of "in the works" in my drafts.  ... such titillating titles as:

butt plug of the month club
dirty little secret
living online
the fine art of reflection

I need to learn to manage my time better but I am working on it slowly ....

I WILL BE BACK! 

A Happy Schmoopey Kittie

I have been given a task today:

"I want you to put what you are feeling right now, today ... put into words"

I have been given the choice to either blog it or email. I figure since I have subjected you all, to months of maudlin, whiny stuff that, I figured this would be a nice change of pace ....

Things have been going so well for us. We have been together for roughly 4 months now ... WOW! .. four months ... it seems like yesterday and forever, all at the same time.

We kik all day long & we skype almost every night. We don't always play & I am not always given tasks. Alot of times we just talk .. about what is going on in the moment, the future, the past, whatever. Like two "normal" human beings! O.O

Today is a heavy task day ... not heavy stuff but tasks\at regular intervals\throughout the day .. with pictures *wink wink*

It has made me reflective ... about my submission. I try to be submissive every day but really I don't know that I THINK about it every day.

Today, I am thinking about what it means to me ... being His submissive, it is what I am to write about.

I am happy .. I am schmooepey*.

Every day, we grow closer ... as a couple. And we grow closer as a Dom & sub.

I want to make Him happy .. I want to make Him proud, even if it means doing things that I am not necessarily too keen on doing. It's about pleasing Him and that makes me happy.

I am very attuned to my submissive self right now. I couldn't be happier. It almost feels like being enveloped in a warm blanket .. I feel cozy, warm & safe. And more contented and happy than I could have ever imagined.

I am loved and I love in return.

There are no outside forces pulling either of us apart (distance & time are but minor nuisances).

We are very protective of each other ... He makes sure that I am taking care of myself. He lets me be "bossy" when it comes to Him taking care of Himself as well.

I inspire Him and He plays with me.

The fact that we can talk about everything & anything is amazing too. There is such freedom in knowing that the person you are with, wants to know what you have to say ... wants to know how you are feeling .. even if it is not so good. And we are really developing excellent communication skills when misunderstandings happen .. and let face it, they will happen. But we nip in it the bud pretty quickly & move on.

I feel so free right now ... like there is nothing I can't do or I can't say. It's so amazing. I don't have to hide. There is no shame. I am me!

And the best part is that He is just as much mine as I am His ... And He makes sure I know it, every hour of every day. That is the best feeling in the world. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that He is not going anywhere.

So I am, right now, feeling FULL ... full of Love, of submissiveness, pride, faith, joy, contentment, anticipation, wonder, awe, & schmoopiness. I am fair to burstin' !!!!

(not to mention very aroused & excitable as I have been edging every 2 hours too!!!)

We are learning and growing ... together. And there is no greater feeling in the world. 

(PS .. I am VERY schmoopey right now! *giggles*) 

****Schmoopey is a word I stole from my bestie .. it pretty much means all the lovey dovey romantical stuff., all rolled up into a single word. Sir Wolf likes it too *winks*

A Long Way to Go

I have been giving  a task today ..... well tasks I guess.

And the first thoughts out of my lazy brain?

...... I don't feel like it.

What? Really?

But I complied..

And I am doing it but ... my mind *sighs*

He kinda called me on it and asked .... "am I irritating you/"

"Am I irritating you?" hmmmm ... good question.

No, He is not ... but I am irritating me.

Well I am not mad or resentful or anything like that. I am just being lazy

And it really has gotten me to thinking about my submission.

Not that I don't want it because I do .. I absolutely do. And I want to be the best sub I can possibly be for him (no, I know that nobody is perfect & there are always going to be "those" days)

But I need to school my mind.

To always try to be more pleasing ... to be more submissive.\Not just during play but all the time.

And I realized just how far I still have to go.
(but I will always keep going ,,, I am perpetually a work in progress!)

Remember the Alamo ... & other things I learned in Texas!!!!

Davy Crockett fought & died at the Alamo!

Everybody died at the Alamo!!

WTF?!?!?!? I didn't know!!!

... Sorry, I'm  Canadian! ... It's NOT my history.  Fascinating but not mine.

Texas IS big & it's very beautiful. Hot ... True but unique as well. I fell in love with the River Walk in San Antonio! And I had some of the best seafood I have ever had, in Corpus Christie (mmmm freshly caught shrimp!!!)

I have also learned that I get defensive & a little bratty, when I am feeling vulnerable.

Seriously? Sticking your tongue out 3 times in one day?!?!?!?

I have learned to live in the moment more. Our time together is precious ... Whether we are playing or just enjoying each others' company. No need to waste a moment of it on pettiness or inconsequential things.

Miscommunication is bound to happen, even when you communicate so well with each other. The trick is to tackle it head on, overcome it & get back to the good stuff!! (it goes with the above point about pettiness)

I can be very bossy. When it comes to health & well being? Too right I am bossy ... Or as I like to call it ... nurturing  & caring. I can live with the bossy term though. He is learning to let me be, too (somewhat anyway).

I got rid of a lot of preconceived notions while in Texas. I try not to have expectations. I think that before Texas ... I was looking for something from Sir Wolf ... I am not sure what exactly. Maybe more spanking? Maybe more bondage? Facefucking? Doming? I really couldn't say ....

But I am not looking for whatever it was i thought to expect.

I am learning more about Him everyday.

 He will do things in His own time, in His own way& I am happy to let Him. 

Hmmm? Maybe just a little bit?

Sir Wolf is a Dom ... My Dom. He is a DaddyDom ... A nurturer & yes I call Him, Daddy (I would say I have little tendencies but would NOT consider myself a little, def no age play). He is also a Wolf ... Very primal in His needs. He loves to mark what is His ... I have worn His mark in many places & He bites hard!

If asked, He would say that He is NOT a sadist. He would tell you that He gets pleasure from spanking me because it gives me pleasure.

 But I am not so sure.

 I am not denying that His spanking doesn't turn me on ... It makes me very hot, horny & dripping! 

I just think that He is learning to embrace His inner sadist. He is quite happy with His newest toy - a $5 ping pong paddle. He says He can get a bigger impact with less effort. and He does like the rosy checks that He creates.

He has also discovered (or more likely introduced) the joys of edging into our play. Especially over kik (vs Skype or in real life).

Edge play & orgasm denial, is not something that I have a lot of experience with. And it's HARD!

Being plugged & Ben Wa balls in, and having to play with your wand on your clit for 30 mins without cumming!!!!! All the while trying to take pictures & sending them to Him, while He keeps counting the minutes down?!?!?!?

Oh no ... Not a sadist at all!

*wink wink*
(yes I realize I write this at my own peril but isn't that half the fun?!?!?!?)

Maple Leaf to Lone Star

"All my bags are packed
And I'm ready to go"

Tra la la la la

I am about to head to the airport.

I'm going to go see my Wolf in his natural habitat & I am soooo excited!!!

Wait .... Average temp is around 105F you say!!!

OH MY!

Never fear, my Wolf has promised to keep me chained to his bed for most of the 6 day visit! YAAAAY!

And Thank the Maker for air conditioning!!!!

But first ....

The Alamo!!!!

(Keep it kinky, people!)

gk out!