Nowhere Man

"She's a real nowhere man
  Sitting in her nowhere land
  Making all her her nowhere plans
  For nobody"

Wow .. just a little over a year to the day since my last post. I honestly didn't really think I would be back but here I am.

Things went from bad to worse since then too. I stopped working a year ago on Valentine's Day ... my health issues just became too great. That has been a fun odyssey I can tell you. I applied for "long term disability" (2 years is long term apparently) .. I didn't get approved until the first of November. It got pretty bad ... on the 31st of October I had $27 to my name & utility companies (phone, hydro, gas etc etc) all ready to disconnect ... the next day I got paid! THANK THE MAKER! I went from $27 to +10 grand overnight ... so grateful for retroactive pay!

Just because that wasn't fun enough .. my Dad had heart surgery in May. The repairs to his heart went well but there were other complications from the surgery. He was in a coma for 10 days, ICU for 17 days, 21 days at the Heart Institute, 10 days at his local hospital, 10 days back at the heart institute (after his hospital fucked him up) and then back to local hospital for another 10 days before he was finally allowed to go home ... 2 months to the day after his surgery. I spent most of that time with my mother ... she was so afraid that "he wasn't gonna make it" .. I swear every time the phone rang at home that first week she screamed. He is still recovering slowly but surely. I doubt he will ever be "back to normal"

So yeah 2017 pretty much sucked big time. It's still too early for 2018. I am having issues with my liver & spleen that has my Dr sending to specialists up the ying yang ... hopefully it's nothing too serious, and he is pretty sure that Lupus is back in the mix. *sighs*

So really, I have definitely not dated or even looked. I haven't wanted to. After the Wolf & my Batman ... I had had enough anyway. I literally spent the past 18-24 months deciding that I have turned in to an IT .... no sexual desire, no romantical desire & certainly no submissive desire. I was just don't ... well & truly DONE.

Now ... well the physical desires are back (like within the past couple of weeks) but OMG I am so tired. I don't know if I can go thru any of this anymore. I can't keep giving & giving & giving only to keep being given the heave ho (heh, literally).

My body & my mind are screaming for somebody to come & love me but my heart is saying a big old FUCK YOU .. we are NOT going down that path again!

Scared and scarred ... that is me to a T.

I started going on tumblr again regularly. Of course the first things I see are from the Wolf .. he's already moved on from the one he dumped me for (who was vanilla I believe) to a new kitten *rolls eyes* .. I swear her tumblr page is a carbon copy of my own. Yes I know I shouldn't have looked but morbid curiosity & all that. It took everything in my power NOT to say anything to either of them. I finally unfollowed him though (seriously curiosity killed the cat & it was to the point that I HAD to look) & it feels so much better not to have to see his smug bullshit and her naive devotion. Of course after the fact, I realize that he is nothing but a user. In the past 4 years he has declared his undying love to 3 women. Obviously somebody does NOT know the meaning of the word love or as he likes to say to all of us that he has tossed aside "I am just not feeling it anymore, sorry". Or maybe it's me ... I am somebody who does not take the L word lightly! Don't say it unless you really fucking mean it!

Ok sorry rant over .. apparently I had to get that off my chest.

Anyway, where does this leave me? I do not know .... perpetually alone, perpetually horny (my wand is just not helping), yet unwilling and unable to let myself get hurt again.

It is very frustrating and I have nobody to really talk to about it ... so I find myself back here .. on old faithful. Nothing kinky or exciting to tell ... just more whining & bitching. I should change the name of my blog.

Well, thank you for listening blogoverse. I would like us to be friends again but baby steps ok?


xoxoxox

Nowhere Man.