I do miss blogging but really I have not had much to write about ...
So do I keep it going or just let it die?
My life has sucked for quite awhile now.
My Batman ... up & left. Things were happening in his personal life (with his woman) and I didn't hear from him for 2 months. When he did come back ... I was not mad per se but I was upset because due to the nature of our dynamic, I had no idea what was happening with him .. he could literally die & I would never know it. So fear (but gratitude) made me guarded & short with my replies. And when I told him why .. how hard it was not knowing if I would ever hear from him .. boom, he left without a word .. or he died .. I don't know. Oh well, not much i can do about it. But it's the last thing I would have think that he would do ... so not who he is.
I do miss him .. I always miss him but I am done chasing him (or anybody else down) ... I am done with all that. That was in November.
But my fibro ... has been kicking my ass so bad for months I cease to care much about anything anymore. I am so defeated by it at the moment. I have only managed to go to work a handful of times in the past 2 months. I am going to end up in the poor house before I get better. I have no support from my so-called medical team & I feel so alone.
I feel like I am literally trapped .. in my house, in my body. I have become an "it" & beyond caring about anything.
Top that off, 2 weeks ago I slipped on the ice on my walkway & busted my left wrist .. fun. So now I get to do everything one handed. Good excuse to not wear a bra though! ;)
But things are looking up (hopefully)
My Brat is coming home tomorrow!!! *happy dance* He has been studying in Germany for the past six months. We are in constant contact online but it's just not the same. He will bug me out of this fibro funk! And we have an addition .. he just celebrated his one year anniversary with his boyfriend .. my Bratty Cupcakes (he is a baker) and together they are my BratPack.
I impulsively sent my Batman an email the other night. I just wanted to let him know that how he left was hurtful & so unlike him .. but I also thanked him for coming back in to my life & for his friendship. Nobody makes me laugh like he can ... I am going to miss that most of all.
But it was closure. I wrote it .. I sent it & then I threw it away (figuratively) & I swear to Gods ... an hour later I got a message on fetlife from somebody I had talked to earlier in the ye. ar. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow night (if I am not too sick) .. and then yesterday ... 2 more messages came in. Both interesting fellows in their own rights.
I am not really looking for anything. To be honest, I have had the energy nor the desire to even consider going forward in any sort of relationship .. vanilla or otherwise. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I am learning (again) to be happy on my own. I don't want to be emotionally invested in anything or anybody outside my own circle of friends.
But I am not closing the door ... I am just taking it day by day, and see what happens. My first instinct was to say no to going for coffee with the first guy, not because of him but because of me & my mindset but I forced myself to say yes. He is a very nice man & shutting myself away is not going to do me any good.
Yeah .. so that is the latest update. I would like to say that I will keep it up but honestly .. who knows, I hope so .. I guess I will just have to take it day by day. ;)
I DO miss you, Blogland.