An Act of Desperation

One year ago today .. I was a lost kittie ... and a real fucking mess.

I was suffering from a pretty bad subdrop (of course at the time I had no idea what it was). It had been a couple of weeks since FormerD left me. When he first left .. things were fine .. just another vanilla break up right?

Each day, things grew a little darker. I would cry for no reason. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I tried to withdraw from my "social obligations" including my Star Wars stuff. When I was in a crowd, not only did I feel alone, I was almost to the point of anxiety attacks. I just wanted to run & hide. When I was home alone .. I felt so .. well alone.

I thought I was going crazy, I truly did.

So finally out of desperation, and I was feeling sooooo desperate. I wrote an email to a stranger ... who has an amazing blog. And what an email it was ... literally just poured everything out in that one email. Nice thing to dump on a perfect stranger!!!

And then I waited .. convinced that he would not email me back (he would have much better things to do than listen to a raving lunatic) .. terrified that he would

I did not have to wait long for his response. I was even afraid to open the email. So silly that!

What I read ... it made me cry even more. Not because he was mean or anything.

No.

This stranger .. this man .. this Dom .. validated me. Everything I was feeling, everything that I have become ... was all "normal". And he took the time to explain so much to me ... that once your mind has been opened it's very hard to close .. etc

In short this Dom became my hero .. still is to this day.

And I told him so this morning in a personal email .. thanking him for being there to help this "lost kittie" ...

I will be eternally grateful for Him & His guidance, for if it wasn't for Him, I would not be where I am today.

FormerD made have "created me" but it was this Mentor (so to speak) that showed me the way forward and that I didn't have to be afraid.

So again .. thank YOU Sir .. Your patience, help & guidance means more to me than You will ever know.
:D

(btw yes Light Sabers are still hard limits!) ;)

Well, Colour me Collared!

Sneaks a peak to make sure the coast is clear of all curses ....

Well it's been 4 days since I wrote about my Wolf and still no curse ... oooh .. maybe the curse has been broken???

It's been a whirlwind of a week for us. So much is happening. His work is keeping us both guessing .. things change rapidly within his work schedule ... sometimes it leaves me dizzy! But hopefully that can't last forever ... or maybe it is the nature of the beast. I don't know.

And as for us ... we are going strong. Learning more of each other everyday .. and liking more & more each day as well. The whole "rushing" thing is there but the fact that we can talk it out, really does not make it seem all that important of a "thing" . It is what it is & that fits us both perfectly.

I am now his collared kittie ... and very proud to be so.

Wolf has never collared anybody before and it was important to Him to make it special. This was also new & special for me as well. I have worn my collar for both my former Doms before, but it was just that My Collar .. one I had had back from my "goth" days.

But the fact that my Wolf wants me to wear HIS collar???

*swoons*

We ordered a collar that we both liked (from my local shop) but it is going to take a whole week to get here (hopefully by this Friday)

But this was not soon enough for Sir Wolf. 

Nope .. I had to go to the shop & pick out one for immediate use. There really wasn't alot that caught my eye but we finally did find one that would suit us both until my permanent collar arrives .... 

I like the spikes but they do come off if need be! 

I was very excited to get home & try it on but Wolf wanted to do things right. I could try it on but only for a minute. He waited until with Skyped that evening. He wrote the most beautiful speech & read it to me. And with that I donned my collar & became his happy collared baby girl. I count myself both blessed and lucky

to be his.

We are currently looking for a day collar so that I have something to wear all the time. It has been a little bit harder to find. I prefer something for my wrist because I am not really a "necklace" kinda gal and I like simple and small. 

If anybody has any suggestions on where to look ..  any assistance would be greatly accepted. 

Out of the Ashes .... rose a Wolf

As yet another attempt at another doomed D/s came to a close .. arose MyWolf ... and of course, when I least expected.

We are trying not to rush, although it is very hard not to .. we talk about it though .. wanting to do things "right" and we are getting to know one another. Both wanting more .. trying to be patient.

We talk and we play and tonight we even skyped for 2 hours (no video feed though ... yet) ..first time for me!

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he says the most wonderful things and I know I can believe him.

Right, we are trying to go slow ... but we are having fun.

And I am even getting a brand new collar ... HIS collar. *swoons*

~~~~~ And btw blog curse ...

fuck this up & this WILL be you! 

Just a really good read.

The Chief found this article yesterday ... I think it's worth sharing. 

For all those, that didn't know & are curious (I know I learned quite a bit) ..... 

being her Daddy-being his little girl

The Promise of a New Dawn

FINALLY!

 THANK THE MAKER!!!

We are out of that seemingly never ending deep freeze. The thaw has started & spring is in the air! (Not to mention that the skunks are awake! O.O)

It is time to wake up ... Shake away the cobwebs & start enjoying life again.

With spring brings the promise of new life and renewal. I totally embrace this ... I NEED IT.

A time to shed the old and embrace new adventures ... new possibilities.

It's time to have some fun ... Long overdue fun. And I intend to do exactly that!.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME TOO!!!!!!! 

And I am off to a good start. An "new season" of trooping, new costumes & cons is well underway.

AND ...

I have met someone!

SQUEEE!!!!!!

Ok, I am not going to say too much .. It's still early days. But the Chief is fairly AMAZING!

He is a Daddy/Dominant which is something completely new & different.
I am NOT a little in the "standard" definition of what a little would be. Nor would I ever want to be.
But fuck it - I hate labels anyway.

We are on a path of discovery ... discovering each other, things in common, likes and dislikes, wants and desires, hopes and fears, futures and pasts. All the shiny new stuff, that always makes you want to dive right in, run head first, to taste and experience everything all at once and as fast as humanly possible.

Thank goodness, the Chief is way more level headed than moi! He will keep a firm grasp on my leash to be sure

And we are discovering things within ourselves, that maybe were just waiting for the right time or the right person to bring to light or just maybe trying something new on for size?

Or as the Chief told me this afternoon "We may find that we both are filling each others needs already"

I dunno .. maybe but ..

"We are telling the story of us" ... it's growing and it's evolving, changing direction, slowing down, speeding up, playful, serious, sensual, or rough. We are both very open minded and are happy to follow whichever direction the wind blows.

.... the possibilities are endless!!!!

 

One last thing. That post .. the question about the Fantasy Spanker that joeyred asked??? I said that I had 3 "fantasy Doms" that I thought of as perfect examples of what great Doms should be (in my opinion). Well, anyway, when I wrote that I never EVER would have imagined, that ONE OF THEM would actually choose ME!!!!!    O.O 

It's the Little Things - An Answer for Tiklish

Ok, this might seem like an odd question, but above you described how hot and sensual and different from how you ever imagined it would be it was the first time with FormerD. Can you give any more specifics in your description, or, do you have any idea if there's any video out there of it being done this hot sensual way? Because, like you said, there's porn, but if there's a better hotter more sensual way to do this, I'd love to know what it is, so I could show Master. Hee

Oh, Tiklish .. you don't know how much I love this question! I don't think it is odd at all!!! (you might even be sorry that you asked, because I will probably babble on forever)

About the details of the hot & sensual of my first time, I have it all written down in this post first night pt 1, this post: pt 2 and finally this post: pt 3

And you can read about our last night together here: the last kiss

I go into quite a bit of detail about two very significant nights that I had with FormerD. 

It was not always like that though .. sometimes time got in the way and sometimes without meaning to ... you just need a good hard fuck. 

Both FormerD and subsequently MyBatman controlled the play/sex. They were the Dom's after all .. I just held on & enjoyed the ride. I was very lucky that they were both very sexy&sexual (meaning they loved sex), albeit in vastly different ways. 

Nope to me, it's the Dom/Master's responsibility for the physical acts. To me, I liked to create the little things. 

Before our first night together FormerD had a very specific list of instructions he wanted me to fill. He wanted candles, background music, my favourite toy as well as my collar out at the ready for his use, and condoms (we almost forgot the condoms!!!). I wanted to create the mood. So as I embellished where I could. I had a nice "table cloth" laid out on the coffee table to hold my toys etc, I put the condoms into a pretty dish vice leaving them in the box or just lying on the table, I made sure that my wand was plugged in to an extension cord. I made a special play list of soft music (I like to call it mush music .. soft, romantic type of stuff), all the candles were strategically placed to throw off the proper amount of light. The little things. 

 everything laid out, in a pleasing manner & ready for His use. 

For subsequent dates, I kept everything the same, only embellished more. Our second date he had requested food, a "sandwich", as he would be coming to my place directly from work & would be hungry. Again, I embellished .. the sandwich was put on a plate & covered with a pretty napkin so it wouldn't dry out & also a plate, with cheese, crackers & grapes to give him something to nibble on (besides me). And water, we had forgotten water the first night & considering neither of us spoke that entire night, I couldn't ask. So I also put out two glasses of water ... in wine glasses, just to add to ambiance. (he would give me water throughout the evening as I was still blindfolded & I think I actually wore more than I drank). 

And for his part, FormerD did not like to plan out scenes in advance. He might have a general idea about what he wanted to do but usually just let instinct guide him. But he is a sensual man & he had also known through our many many conversations that I am a very touchy feely type person. I crave touch .. whether it be hands, mouth or whatever .. skin on skin is the best. And I love to touch as well. But he knew this about me and he used it to his advantage. Even when he was leaving me that first night .. still blindfold, exhausted & hurting (in a good way), kneeling, with my ass in the air & forehead on the floor, naked, he slowly got dressed, stopping often to caress my butt, stroke my hair, kiss my shoulder. At one point, he even got down on the floor in front of me,  lifted my head & gave me one last kiss on my lips before he left. There were lots cuddles and hugs throughout that  first night & subsequent nights that followed. 

And when I was given free reign to worship him .. I would not settle for just a blow job. Nope, I wanted to explore all of him, to worship his whole body & not just his cock. Like I said when I was allowed free access, I took advantage to feel, touch, and taste his entire body .. to explore & get to know him.

Of course, not all  sessions were like that. We had some quickly scheduled quickies" when he was able to find a spare hour between work & picking up his kids. Those times we just got down & dirty .. but still there was lots of giggling & playing spread throughout. 

One time he even surprised me by showing up at my house unannounced. Of course I was in a pair of junky old sweats & a ratty t-shirt too. But he was really frazzled ... work was exploding, his kids were still having a hard time adjusting to the separation and his mother had just fallen & hurt her knee really badly. He was so frazzled. "I just wanted to see you" was what he said to me. We sat on the couch and chatted for about 5 minutes before he went all Domly on me & asked me why I had clothes on! *giggles* .. we resumed talking & it didn't even bother me that I was now completely naked!!! But it wasn't too long before I was kneeling on the floor before him because he NEEDED a foot message, & I should fuck the foot that was not getting messaged! O.O ... that was an interesting experience. It wasn't too long that I was draped over the back of the couch & his belt was out! And finally have a good hard fucking from behind (I remember he didn't even take his shirt off!!!), he had to get back to his mothers. When he was leaving, he looked kind of bewildered & sheepish ... "honestly I DIDN'T come here for that" ... to me though, he really looked like he just wanted to crawl up into the bed with me & sleep there for the rest of the night!

With MyBatman, things were alot different. Although he was alot more experienced, way more Domly, and certainly vastly more more hands on than FormerD ever was, we did not have the luxury of physicality. Nope, we pretty much only had email, so our words became essential. We spent alot of time "together" MyBatman & I ... way more than I could have ever hoped for with FormerD. We talked pretty much from the moment we would wake up til it was time for bed. We had a really big connection to each other that was both easy & electric .. you could literally feel it thru the web. *smiles*

MyBatman had rituals ... I was to send him emails every morning, with a picture of the panties I was going to wear for the day. And he also wanted me in my collar & cuffs while I was at home (I allowed to remove my collar to sleep in). I had an assigned task everyday (a specific time was never really established but it kind of evolved into an 11am private bathroom at work task). The tasks were hard ... always new territory for me, and I was required to write him a detailed report on how I made out. As with FormerD, I wanted to put my own little touches into this dynamic and one of the ways I found to do it was with pictures. So when i was doing my daily task .. I would always snap a few pictures of the 'results". Without it being required, I would send Him, a couple of the photos .. never too revealing though, but he seemed to like the added visuals that accompanied my required reports. Again as with FormerD, it's the little things that help to keep things refreshing.

the very first task

But I did not just leave it to the tasks. We were very visual ... and sent many a photo back & forth, usually something hot & dirty from tumblr. But again, without ever being asked .. I would send some selfies ... especially if he had me doing "unscheduled" tasks that he would come up with on the fly. It got to be a fun challenge for me, to take "naughty' pictures without actually revealing anything "too revealing". I even tried to get artistic about it. *giggles* 

Ooops, IT'S not working!!!!! 

*giggles*

So when all you have is email, communication becomes even more important than in RL. It requires alot of faith & imagination to keep things from becoming mundane or even silly. And HOLY HANNA, it's so difficult to type,  when you are fair to bursting, and you need to ask permission to cum ... THANK YOU AUTO CORRECT, you are both a blessing & a curse! 

cuffs & chains were the must have fashion accessory of the season! 

Before I met MyBatman I never thought I would be able to do the whole Online thing. I thought it would be weird & I would feel silly. But not once did I feel that way. It was just as real as my time with FormerD .. even when I was ordered to walk around my house with nothing but a shirt, collar & cuffs on. Or to crawl over to my water dish for a drink of water in the middle of the night. 

possibly my favourite picture I ever took for him. 

Those cuffs became like a second skin & I missed them whenever I had to take them off.

So Tiklish, I hope that I managed to answer your question. Of course, each relationship/dynamic is different .. the connect & chemistry, wants, desires, are all dependant on the individuals. I like to play around & figure out what my partner likes & dislikes. Like I said, they are Dom, they like to control (duh) but the little things that you can inject into your dynamic, might enhance what you already have. And don't forget to ask him, what he liked .. what he didn't like. Communication is key! 

I do not have any really good video sites that I have come across, that really delves into the more sensual side of things ..PORN *sighs*. I do recommend you read my posts that I have linked, for a thoroughly detailed accounting of just how those 2 nights went down. And you can check out my tumblr .. I tend to post alot of sensual pics, & gif (as well as the more hardcore fantasy type stuff). 

Thank you for the question. I have enjoyed babbling on & on about the little things. 

Second Anniversary

I got a little bit behind on a couple of posts I have been working on: 

From Thursday 13 February 2014 ..... 


I just realized today is my second anniversary!!!

It was 2 years ago today that I gained my freedom .. finally free from a 71/2 year co-dependency with my last ever vanilla boyfriend.

He was 18 years my junior. He was only 20 when we met .. full of cockiness that I always seem to go for. But all you Cougar wannabes out there trust me when I say .. younger ain't always better .. TRUE STORY!!!

In that 71/2 years .. he never worked  (well probably all the time he did work would not have added up to a full year). He literally felt he didn't have to work .. even though he knew what an extra burden it had put on me. A truly selfish ass.

He "left me" .. for another woman. And when I shut that door on him for the final time, all I could think of to say was "Well he's HER problem now!" Good riddance!

Best thing that ever happened to me.

You are all probably thinking, WHY did you put up with such a loser. I have no good answer to that. The Gods know that I kicked him out at least 3 times a year for 7 years, but he always came back & I always caved. It's funny how you can talk yourself into just about anything huh?

But yes, 2 years ago .. on the 14th of February .. that STOOPID commercial holiday .. I was truly free. Free from the deadbeat & free from that old life. And it was fucking AWESOME!!!

Coincidentally , TODAY is the 2nd anniversary for me & my homosexual life mate .. THE BRAT! And we celebrating by trooping (and a stop in Ikea).  *giggles*

For that first full year . I didn't need anybody or want anybody in my life. I immersed myself in my Star Wars stuff ... met more people, gained a social life that I had not had in such a long time & had a blast! Everybody noticed too .. even those who did not know me that well, commented that I seemed so much happier, & carefree. Goes to show what losing 200lbs of dead weight will do for you!

This year, exploring my submissive side has been quite the rollercoaster ride. It has not been easy and I still feel alot of pain and sadness but still I am who I want to be & heading in the right direction that I started just a little over 2 years ago when I finally became free! And I wouldn't change a thing (well that's not true .. there is that one thing I would change but ain't nothing I can do about that!!!!)

ALL TOGETHER NOW!!!

Phillip will probably get mad at me for this but it will be worth it.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU! 

Our good darling friend Aurora over at http://notyoureverydayfairytale.blogspot.ca/

is having surgery tomorrow. Please join me in sending prayers, blessings, gregorian chants, olms, good tidings, well wishes, best of lucks, speedy recoveries, the force, positive vibes, good vibrations & everything else positive out to her, Phillip & their family. 

I know I speak for everybody here that we all thinking of you today. 

Good luck, & success & a speedy recovery!!! 

We are all with you!!!

(and miss you)

(((HUGS)))

Lost Kittie ... FOUND???

Well it has been a whirlwind week for me! Truly amazing.

Update from Freaky Friday ....

Poor CSM has been shelved. I like him alot but he is unavailable ... he is fun & we have become fast friends.  It must be because we are both military - the bond. :)  But he is a little sad.

I feel really bad about Mr D. He was wonderful .. I really did like him. He doesn't really understand why I had to say goodbye and is trying to blame himself. I am trying to be completely honest though .. and I certainly didn't mean to lead him on. Things just happened soooo suddenly!!!

Some things just happen ... so unexpected, so sudden, so amazing.

I mentioned in freaky Friday post that I was mad texting with a male "Sub" .. well I was wrong, he is a Dom, that is curious about his submissive side. He is the wrench in the cog (I think that's how I put it) ...

Well, the text started on Friday (well late Thursday night really .. has NOT stopped .. seriously. I think the text count is at 4000 now. O.O .. in 7 days!!!! I have never talked to ANYBODY so much in all my life.

We talk about everything .. we talk about nothing. We keep finding more & more in common. We connect on sooooo many different levels. It's scary!!! O.O

I am babbling but it's sooo hard to put into words.

I know I know .. it seems almost too good to be true.

I am at the cottage right now ..  hosting a birthday bash this weekend (mine & my wonder "twin" Obi Wam) .. PwP & I are going to go for coffee for the first time on Sunday night when I get home!

I am both excited & scared! .....

Cya all on the flip side! Have a GREAT weekend & wish me luck!!! :D

Bittersweet

Today is Goldie's funeral .. in Halifax (halfway across the country). We were communicators in the navy together. I remember playing the Last Post (Canadian version of Taps) on my trumpet at his Dad's funeral. I would have loved to do that for Goldie as well! :(   Well actually, I did, yesterday, much to the "joy" of my neighbours. It helped me say good bye (and I am glad I did not sound like a dying duck) *giggles*

Today is also my Brat's graduation ceremony. (My Brat is my 21 year gay bestie - <3). We are soooo proud of him. He is graduating from college with a Degree in Advanced Architecture Techniques. He is going on to university in September for his full degree in Architecture.

I am glad not to be at work today. One more day away from the bullshit my union rep has caused me is a good thing. Tomorrow, I go about finding a new rep and looking to getting her reprimanded (hopefully fired). I have one simple complaint against management and due to her unprofessionalism and personal vendetta against my boss, she has single handedly, discredited me and made something simple into something way more complicated and messy. *sighs* fight on I shall.

The CSM and I are working on trying to find a time to see each other. He is NOT the one but he does fill a void. He understands how crazy I have been these past couple of months .. the restlessness & the aggression. Like I said .. he is willing to help .. to give me a "tune up" *giggles*. But he is not free. I am breaking one of my own rules (and I don't like it) ... but I need this.

I miss talking to Charming. He had the ability (and patience) to talk me down from a rant, make me laugh, "teach" me something, make me think & make me feel better, all in the "same breath" so to speak. *sighs*

I have been chatting alot with my very vanilla girlfriend. She has met a new guy .. a very dynamic guy so she is all giggly etc etc. He reminds me alot of my former Dom. I cannot believe it's only been almost 3 months since he left. It feels like a lifetime ago. Anyway, with talking so much with her, it has made me realize, just how good we were together. We both may have been new & inexperienced but ohhhh we had such great chemistry. We just clicked, immediately, on oh so many levels. Everything was easy & natural. Something very rare & special, I am finding out. I do hope that he is finding happiness back in his vanilla life but I would never turn him away if he ever wanted to come back. No matter what. (and of course I WANT HIM BACK)

Wow, I didn't realize I had this much to say. I guess the weekend has given me alot of time to think & reflect.

Maybe even one day this blog will be about what it was intended to be about. My "place" in this lifestyle. *sighs*

The Wheel is Turning but the Hamster's Dead!

I am a moon child. I live by my emotions.

This is usually a good thing .. mostly. Sometimes .. not so much.

I have been spending too much time in my head. It happens when I go decompress at my cottage for a couple of days. Too much thinking .. turning things over & over in your head.

Will I ever find another Dom .. one that I need? That will be good to me .. for me? Will I ever be submissive .. submissive enough? Will I ever get beyond my own demons?  Am I just a poser? A phony? A fraud?


Spinning & spinning around in my head. Driving me crazy!

I saw this over at tumblr today ... http://herliege.tumblr.com/post/50907400408/you-are-mine . WOW! And guess what .. it really made me think ... Oh Great!

"You are Mine" ... it is a delicious 3 little worlds. And very scary. Way too scary for somebody new like me. Don't get me wrong. If I met the right Dom .. I would like to think that I could & would be very happy to hear those words. I think. I guess it's not something you can really know unless you're in the moment .. right?! (anyway .. I thought it was a really good post .. thanks to herliege!!!!)

I don't know .. sometimes this all feels like a kinky fairy tale & I am waiting for my Naughty Prince Charming. HEH!  yeah

Too much thinking .. not enough feeling. It sucks!!!!!

Then today, my boss forgot a very important rule at work ... that I don't give a fuck. You gonna push me .. I will fucking push back. The battle has begun (tomorrow I meet with EAP) *grrrr*

Yeah too much time in my head = a lot of negativity & bad vibes. I am a moon child ... we NEED peace, love & happiness!!! No more thinking!!!  >:(

Lost Kittie

PS - But on a plus ... I actually contacted somebody on fetlife ,,,, somebody local .. not just the same continent but the same city!!!!

I said ... HI .,.. ooooh! Look out world! *rolls eyes*