Clarification & Clarity

I just wanted to say thank you to all that left me comments on yesterday's post. I do appreciate them and you have given me much to think about.

And I do agree with what was said .. for the most part! ;)

There are a couple of things though. 

I feel like for the first time in 4 months I do have clarity in my life again. I have been living in kind of a desperation ... looking & yearning for something, anything to fill that void that I was left in. I don't know .. maybe it was kind of a sub-frenzy that I have read so much about.

I think I have been trying too hard. Wanting something so badly .. at times I felt that I was going crazy. It's not really who I am .

I think that's the point of I was trying to make yesterday. I feel like I have turned a corner. I have gotten perspective back into my life. I am finally feeling like me again ... not some fledgling little subbie desperate for some attention. 

It took many years, of alot of bad decisions (most of my life in fact) and never really living, just going thru the motions, to finally find myself. A couple of years back and the end of yet another disasterous vanilla relationship .. enough was enough. I took the time to finally discover who I am &  what I want to be & probably for the first time in my life .. I was happy, truly happy.

And then former D came along & threw everything into a tailspin.

The past is the past. There is no denying the influence that Former D had on my life. I wouldn't be here writing this blog right now if it weren't for him. But he is the past. And I am moving on. I have moved on.

And now, I am just me .. a geeky Star Wars fan girl, moody & sassy, who just happens to be a subbie as well. I am happy with that and with who I am.

And I trust my instincts.

I do know what I want. I know that there is a perfect Dom out there .. perfect for me (nobody IS perfect after all). And I will know him when I find him. Call me fanciful or idealistic but it's just what I believe. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

Of course, I am not so idealistic or have romantic notions of a knight in shining armour riding his white steed in to rescue me. That's just silly, not to mention dillusional!

You are right JAS (et all) ... it takes time, and patience to get to know somebody. And for them to get to know me as well. I totally get that and am prepared for that, probably more so now than a month ago even. Like I said .. I have gotten back the clarity in my life that has been missing these past few months.

I feel good .. I like the direction my life is going in. I have my confidence back and the patience and the clarity.

I guess that was what I was trying to say yesterday. Like I said, it has been very difficult for me to try to put in to words .. what has been in my head & in my heart.

(((hugs)))
lk

=^.^=

PS .. and for PwP ... I know that I have hurt you and I am truly sorry that I have .. I never wanted to hurt anybody. But what can I say, I have to follow my gut and I am sorry but you are just not the one. :( 

So ....

.. I have a date tonight. It just happened this afternoon. Somebody I met on Collar Me. We have been talking off & on for about a month now. Somebody who is unattached and who loves how my mind works! O.O

Soooooo nervous!

Wish me luck .............

Bittersweet

Today is Goldie's funeral .. in Halifax (halfway across the country). We were communicators in the navy together. I remember playing the Last Post (Canadian version of Taps) on my trumpet at his Dad's funeral. I would have loved to do that for Goldie as well! :(   Well actually, I did, yesterday, much to the "joy" of my neighbours. It helped me say good bye (and I am glad I did not sound like a dying duck) *giggles*

Today is also my Brat's graduation ceremony. (My Brat is my 21 year gay bestie - <3). We are soooo proud of him. He is graduating from college with a Degree in Advanced Architecture Techniques. He is going on to university in September for his full degree in Architecture.

I am glad not to be at work today. One more day away from the bullshit my union rep has caused me is a good thing. Tomorrow, I go about finding a new rep and looking to getting her reprimanded (hopefully fired). I have one simple complaint against management and due to her unprofessionalism and personal vendetta against my boss, she has single handedly, discredited me and made something simple into something way more complicated and messy. *sighs* fight on I shall.

The CSM and I are working on trying to find a time to see each other. He is NOT the one but he does fill a void. He understands how crazy I have been these past couple of months .. the restlessness & the aggression. Like I said .. he is willing to help .. to give me a "tune up" *giggles*. But he is not free. I am breaking one of my own rules (and I don't like it) ... but I need this.

I miss talking to Charming. He had the ability (and patience) to talk me down from a rant, make me laugh, "teach" me something, make me think & make me feel better, all in the "same breath" so to speak. *sighs*

I have been chatting alot with my very vanilla girlfriend. She has met a new guy .. a very dynamic guy so she is all giggly etc etc. He reminds me alot of my former Dom. I cannot believe it's only been almost 3 months since he left. It feels like a lifetime ago. Anyway, with talking so much with her, it has made me realize, just how good we were together. We both may have been new & inexperienced but ohhhh we had such great chemistry. We just clicked, immediately, on oh so many levels. Everything was easy & natural. Something very rare & special, I am finding out. I do hope that he is finding happiness back in his vanilla life but I would never turn him away if he ever wanted to come back. No matter what. (and of course I WANT HIM BACK)

Wow, I didn't realize I had this much to say. I guess the weekend has given me alot of time to think & reflect.

Maybe even one day this blog will be about what it was intended to be about. My "place" in this lifestyle. *sighs*