Never Gonna Be Anything Other Than Me

I know I know .. the title of this post is full of suggestion, but those who know me .. know I am unapologetically me.

But really that's not what I am talking about.

I am talking about the ol' switcheroonie.

It has been quite the topic of conversation for the past week.

switch ...

top...

domme ...

MEH!

I have no desire to be any of those things.

MyBatman does agree, even thinks I would be a "diabolical" top, that I don't have it in me to be a Domme.

And He is absolutely right.

I don't ... and ...

I don't ever want to.

Besides He has a Domme .. why would He ever want another? Why would I even want to be?? (I wouldn't)

BUT ...

I cannot lie, He set me to a task (we have not implemented thus far ... I am in no hurry), a task to my mind .. is insurmountable. I am doomed to never ending failure. Would I try to do it? Of course I would ... for Him.

It got me thinking though. (never a good thing) IF I were ever permitted a Switch Day .. I would call it Kittie Appreciation Day & I would visit on my good Dom the things He has me do.

Like putting an elastic band around each thigh & snapping it 10 times ... allowing Him to play with Himself if it helps ... but "you better not fucking cum"

Or taking a ruler and spanking Himself on the inner thighs ... across His ass .. under His ass ... all the while twisting His nipples as hard as He can - PURPLE NURPLES!!!!

Sticking things into places that they ought to go.

Yes .. the kittie CAN be diabolical ... well, as diabolical as her Batman is anyway.

And it would be DELIGHTFUL!!!!

But that is as far as I would go because me being me ... I like to have fun. I do like pain it is true BUT I do not like humiliation, or just plain old being mean.

MyBatman did ask me if I thought that once I had a taste of the "top" life if I would want to stay that way.

I personally know a couple of subs that this has happened to. But no, it is NOT me.

Although I have limited knowledge (what I have seen on here, tumblr & fet .. okay porn too) but I do not like Dommes ... they scare me.

 (this is VERY generally speaking I do not mean to offend) ...

It always seems to me that they are always out to prove themselves BETTER than men. Feminists gone WILD.  Men & women dig it & I am down with that .. but it's just not for me.

I have no desire to see a man dressed in any articles of women's clothing ... not panties, or nylons (I fucking hate nylons & am now made to wear them on Fridays *sighs*), bras, school girl uniforms .. whatever.

And I don't do humiliation, it's a hard limit for me.

I have spent my whole life putting myself down .. I have no wish to have somebody else bring those demons back .. nor would I intentionally do that to another person.

Nope, I am quite happy to be little sub kittie named geeky .. more little than sub (well I just like to have fun so I think I have some little qualities).

*clears throat*

So, in conclusion ... I don't want to "switch" ... I just want a "kittie appreciation day".

Luckily MyBatman knows me well enough (sometimes even
better than I think He does) and He will give me my day,  & He knows exactly what He will get. He does not like pain .. but He will hurt ... for me.

... and it will be joyous.

Switch

MyBatman is in a FemDom relationship with another. 

MyBatman is all Dom with me. 

MyBatman is an amazing Dom.

MyBatman has a very devilish imagination. 

MyBatman loves to give me self-inflicted ouchies.

MyBatman does not like pain himself.

MyBatman thinks i would be "diabolical" as a top. 

MyBatman knows that i would not do anything to Him that He hasn't done to me. 

MyBatman is more than a little excited & nervous at the thought of "switching things up" 

MyBatman should be nervous. 

*winks*

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!

... HE IS ON HIS WAY!!!!!!!!

T-5hours

*faints dead away* 

We Now Return You to Your Regular Schedualled Programming

I'm back!

This time last week, I was not convinced that I had survived the bedlam that is COMICON. Boy oh boy, it's one thing to troop at a con but entirely different when you are "hosting" ... It doesn't help that we are always determined to outdo ourselves too

*sighs*

Of course after about 2 weeks of non-stop insanity ... I crashed & burnt last week. The fibro started to fight back & laid me low ... 2 days chained to my bed & not in a good way either!

This past weekend was our "Victoria Day" long weekend (equivalent to Memorial Day) .. Which was well timed as I could fully recuperate at my beloved lake! It was a chilly weekend but at least it didn't snow & was an excellent way to recharge my batteries.

I am finding it a tad bit difficult to get back into blogging. I want to blog. I have alot to say. But I can't seem to find the time. I blame my Sir Wolf. *giggles* He takes up a lot of my time .. between kik & skype.

 No I am NOT complaining. I am LOVING it. Every minute of it!!!!!

...... I just haven't found the time to write about  it! ;)

An Act of Desperation

One year ago today .. I was a lost kittie ... and a real fucking mess.

I was suffering from a pretty bad subdrop (of course at the time I had no idea what it was). It had been a couple of weeks since FormerD left me. When he first left .. things were fine .. just another vanilla break up right?

Each day, things grew a little darker. I would cry for no reason. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I tried to withdraw from my "social obligations" including my Star Wars stuff. When I was in a crowd, not only did I feel alone, I was almost to the point of anxiety attacks. I just wanted to run & hide. When I was home alone .. I felt so .. well alone.

I thought I was going crazy, I truly did.

So finally out of desperation, and I was feeling sooooo desperate. I wrote an email to a stranger ... who has an amazing blog. And what an email it was ... literally just poured everything out in that one email. Nice thing to dump on a perfect stranger!!!

And then I waited .. convinced that he would not email me back (he would have much better things to do than listen to a raving lunatic) .. terrified that he would

I did not have to wait long for his response. I was even afraid to open the email. So silly that!

What I read ... it made me cry even more. Not because he was mean or anything.

No.

This stranger .. this man .. this Dom .. validated me. Everything I was feeling, everything that I have become ... was all "normal". And he took the time to explain so much to me ... that once your mind has been opened it's very hard to close .. etc

In short this Dom became my hero .. still is to this day.

And I told him so this morning in a personal email .. thanking him for being there to help this "lost kittie" ...

I will be eternally grateful for Him & His guidance, for if it wasn't for Him, I would not be where I am today.

FormerD made have "created me" but it was this Mentor (so to speak) that showed me the way forward and that I didn't have to be afraid.

So again .. thank YOU Sir .. Your patience, help & guidance means more to me than You will ever know.
:D

(btw yes Light Sabers are still hard limits!) ;)

Well, Colour me Collared!

Sneaks a peak to make sure the coast is clear of all curses ....

Well it's been 4 days since I wrote about my Wolf and still no curse ... oooh .. maybe the curse has been broken???

It's been a whirlwind of a week for us. So much is happening. His work is keeping us both guessing .. things change rapidly within his work schedule ... sometimes it leaves me dizzy! But hopefully that can't last forever ... or maybe it is the nature of the beast. I don't know.

And as for us ... we are going strong. Learning more of each other everyday .. and liking more & more each day as well. The whole "rushing" thing is there but the fact that we can talk it out, really does not make it seem all that important of a "thing" . It is what it is & that fits us both perfectly.

I am now his collared kittie ... and very proud to be so.

Wolf has never collared anybody before and it was important to Him to make it special. This was also new & special for me as well. I have worn my collar for both my former Doms before, but it was just that My Collar .. one I had had back from my "goth" days.

But the fact that my Wolf wants me to wear HIS collar???

*swoons*

We ordered a collar that we both liked (from my local shop) but it is going to take a whole week to get here (hopefully by this Friday)

But this was not soon enough for Sir Wolf. 

Nope .. I had to go to the shop & pick out one for immediate use. There really wasn't alot that caught my eye but we finally did find one that would suit us both until my permanent collar arrives .... 

I like the spikes but they do come off if need be! 

I was very excited to get home & try it on but Wolf wanted to do things right. I could try it on but only for a minute. He waited until with Skyped that evening. He wrote the most beautiful speech & read it to me. And with that I donned my collar & became his happy collared baby girl. I count myself both blessed and lucky

to be his.

We are currently looking for a day collar so that I have something to wear all the time. It has been a little bit harder to find. I prefer something for my wrist because I am not really a "necklace" kinda gal and I like simple and small. 

If anybody has any suggestions on where to look ..  any assistance would be greatly accepted. 

Out of the Ashes .... rose a Wolf

As yet another attempt at another doomed D/s came to a close .. arose MyWolf ... and of course, when I least expected.

We are trying not to rush, although it is very hard not to .. we talk about it though .. wanting to do things "right" and we are getting to know one another. Both wanting more .. trying to be patient.

We talk and we play and tonight we even skyped for 2 hours (no video feed though ... yet) ..first time for me!

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he says the most wonderful things and I know I can believe him.

Right, we are trying to go slow ... but we are having fun.

And I am even getting a brand new collar ... HIS collar. *swoons*

~~~~~ And btw blog curse ...

fuck this up & this WILL be you! 

Polar Opposites Anniversary!

his slut & I share this date.

Today is her DomDay ... the first anniversary of the beginning of her D/s  and today is my one year anniversary since ...

The Last Kiss

Yup .. one year ago today marked the end of my D/s with FormerD. The end of my first foray down the rabbit hole.

I was actually talking with FormerD last night. I wished him a very HAPPY LAST TIME WE FUCKED OUR BRAINS OUT ANNIVERSARY!

*giggles* I could almost see the expression on his face .. that look of bewilderment ... I think I am quite
possibly the strangest person he has ever met!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Anyway, he said he likes my blog!! Although he has only read a very little bit (probably only the Last Kiss post cuz I sent him the link quite a while ago) ... I told him he should comment as anon.

He is like the hero of this blog ... he created me. I would not be "here" if it weren't for him. Literally!!!!

(He won't ever comment though because "I am much too private a person for that" - yeah yeah .. it would be fun if he did though)

So happy DomDay to you HS and no I am definately NOT sad about my anniversary because as my very first post says it's the anniversary "Beginning from the End"

It's the Little Things - An Answer for Tiklish

Ok, this might seem like an odd question, but above you described how hot and sensual and different from how you ever imagined it would be it was the first time with FormerD. Can you give any more specifics in your description, or, do you have any idea if there's any video out there of it being done this hot sensual way? Because, like you said, there's porn, but if there's a better hotter more sensual way to do this, I'd love to know what it is, so I could show Master. Hee

Oh, Tiklish .. you don't know how much I love this question! I don't think it is odd at all!!! (you might even be sorry that you asked, because I will probably babble on forever)

About the details of the hot & sensual of my first time, I have it all written down in this post first night pt 1, this post: pt 2 and finally this post: pt 3

And you can read about our last night together here: the last kiss

I go into quite a bit of detail about two very significant nights that I had with FormerD. 

It was not always like that though .. sometimes time got in the way and sometimes without meaning to ... you just need a good hard fuck. 

Both FormerD and subsequently MyBatman controlled the play/sex. They were the Dom's after all .. I just held on & enjoyed the ride. I was very lucky that they were both very sexy&sexual (meaning they loved sex), albeit in vastly different ways. 

Nope to me, it's the Dom/Master's responsibility for the physical acts. To me, I liked to create the little things. 

Before our first night together FormerD had a very specific list of instructions he wanted me to fill. He wanted candles, background music, my favourite toy as well as my collar out at the ready for his use, and condoms (we almost forgot the condoms!!!). I wanted to create the mood. So as I embellished where I could. I had a nice "table cloth" laid out on the coffee table to hold my toys etc, I put the condoms into a pretty dish vice leaving them in the box or just lying on the table, I made sure that my wand was plugged in to an extension cord. I made a special play list of soft music (I like to call it mush music .. soft, romantic type of stuff), all the candles were strategically placed to throw off the proper amount of light. The little things. 

 everything laid out, in a pleasing manner & ready for His use. 

For subsequent dates, I kept everything the same, only embellished more. Our second date he had requested food, a "sandwich", as he would be coming to my place directly from work & would be hungry. Again, I embellished .. the sandwich was put on a plate & covered with a pretty napkin so it wouldn't dry out & also a plate, with cheese, crackers & grapes to give him something to nibble on (besides me). And water, we had forgotten water the first night & considering neither of us spoke that entire night, I couldn't ask. So I also put out two glasses of water ... in wine glasses, just to add to ambiance. (he would give me water throughout the evening as I was still blindfolded & I think I actually wore more than I drank). 

And for his part, FormerD did not like to plan out scenes in advance. He might have a general idea about what he wanted to do but usually just let instinct guide him. But he is a sensual man & he had also known through our many many conversations that I am a very touchy feely type person. I crave touch .. whether it be hands, mouth or whatever .. skin on skin is the best. And I love to touch as well. But he knew this about me and he used it to his advantage. Even when he was leaving me that first night .. still blindfold, exhausted & hurting (in a good way), kneeling, with my ass in the air & forehead on the floor, naked, he slowly got dressed, stopping often to caress my butt, stroke my hair, kiss my shoulder. At one point, he even got down on the floor in front of me,  lifted my head & gave me one last kiss on my lips before he left. There were lots cuddles and hugs throughout that  first night & subsequent nights that followed. 

And when I was given free reign to worship him .. I would not settle for just a blow job. Nope, I wanted to explore all of him, to worship his whole body & not just his cock. Like I said when I was allowed free access, I took advantage to feel, touch, and taste his entire body .. to explore & get to know him.

Of course, not all  sessions were like that. We had some quickly scheduled quickies" when he was able to find a spare hour between work & picking up his kids. Those times we just got down & dirty .. but still there was lots of giggling & playing spread throughout. 

One time he even surprised me by showing up at my house unannounced. Of course I was in a pair of junky old sweats & a ratty t-shirt too. But he was really frazzled ... work was exploding, his kids were still having a hard time adjusting to the separation and his mother had just fallen & hurt her knee really badly. He was so frazzled. "I just wanted to see you" was what he said to me. We sat on the couch and chatted for about 5 minutes before he went all Domly on me & asked me why I had clothes on! *giggles* .. we resumed talking & it didn't even bother me that I was now completely naked!!! But it wasn't too long before I was kneeling on the floor before him because he NEEDED a foot message, & I should fuck the foot that was not getting messaged! O.O ... that was an interesting experience. It wasn't too long that I was draped over the back of the couch & his belt was out! And finally have a good hard fucking from behind (I remember he didn't even take his shirt off!!!), he had to get back to his mothers. When he was leaving, he looked kind of bewildered & sheepish ... "honestly I DIDN'T come here for that" ... to me though, he really looked like he just wanted to crawl up into the bed with me & sleep there for the rest of the night!

With MyBatman, things were alot different. Although he was alot more experienced, way more Domly, and certainly vastly more more hands on than FormerD ever was, we did not have the luxury of physicality. Nope, we pretty much only had email, so our words became essential. We spent alot of time "together" MyBatman & I ... way more than I could have ever hoped for with FormerD. We talked pretty much from the moment we would wake up til it was time for bed. We had a really big connection to each other that was both easy & electric .. you could literally feel it thru the web. *smiles*

MyBatman had rituals ... I was to send him emails every morning, with a picture of the panties I was going to wear for the day. And he also wanted me in my collar & cuffs while I was at home (I allowed to remove my collar to sleep in). I had an assigned task everyday (a specific time was never really established but it kind of evolved into an 11am private bathroom at work task). The tasks were hard ... always new territory for me, and I was required to write him a detailed report on how I made out. As with FormerD, I wanted to put my own little touches into this dynamic and one of the ways I found to do it was with pictures. So when i was doing my daily task .. I would always snap a few pictures of the 'results". Without it being required, I would send Him, a couple of the photos .. never too revealing though, but he seemed to like the added visuals that accompanied my required reports. Again as with FormerD, it's the little things that help to keep things refreshing.

the very first task

But I did not just leave it to the tasks. We were very visual ... and sent many a photo back & forth, usually something hot & dirty from tumblr. But again, without ever being asked .. I would send some selfies ... especially if he had me doing "unscheduled" tasks that he would come up with on the fly. It got to be a fun challenge for me, to take "naughty' pictures without actually revealing anything "too revealing". I even tried to get artistic about it. *giggles* 

Ooops, IT'S not working!!!!! 

*giggles*

So when all you have is email, communication becomes even more important than in RL. It requires alot of faith & imagination to keep things from becoming mundane or even silly. And HOLY HANNA, it's so difficult to type,  when you are fair to bursting, and you need to ask permission to cum ... THANK YOU AUTO CORRECT, you are both a blessing & a curse! 

cuffs & chains were the must have fashion accessory of the season! 

Before I met MyBatman I never thought I would be able to do the whole Online thing. I thought it would be weird & I would feel silly. But not once did I feel that way. It was just as real as my time with FormerD .. even when I was ordered to walk around my house with nothing but a shirt, collar & cuffs on. Or to crawl over to my water dish for a drink of water in the middle of the night. 

possibly my favourite picture I ever took for him. 

Those cuffs became like a second skin & I missed them whenever I had to take them off.

So Tiklish, I hope that I managed to answer your question. Of course, each relationship/dynamic is different .. the connect & chemistry, wants, desires, are all dependant on the individuals. I like to play around & figure out what my partner likes & dislikes. Like I said, they are Dom, they like to control (duh) but the little things that you can inject into your dynamic, might enhance what you already have. And don't forget to ask him, what he liked .. what he didn't like. Communication is key! 

I do not have any really good video sites that I have come across, that really delves into the more sensual side of things ..PORN *sighs*. I do recommend you read my posts that I have linked, for a thoroughly detailed accounting of just how those 2 nights went down. And you can check out my tumblr .. I tend to post alot of sensual pics, & gif (as well as the more hardcore fantasy type stuff). 

Thank you for the question. I have enjoyed babbling on & on about the little things. 

ALL TOGETHER NOW!!!

Phillip will probably get mad at me for this but it will be worth it.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU! 

Our good darling friend Aurora over at http://notyoureverydayfairytale.blogspot.ca/

is having surgery tomorrow. Please join me in sending prayers, blessings, gregorian chants, olms, good tidings, well wishes, best of lucks, speedy recoveries, the force, positive vibes, good vibrations & everything else positive out to her, Phillip & their family. 

I know I speak for everybody here that we all thinking of you today. 

Good luck, & success & a speedy recovery!!! 

We are all with you!!!

(and miss you)

(((HUGS)))

Meanwhile In Never Never Land

There is nothing new to report on the FormerD front ... We are in a holding pattern there.

But I am not here to talk about that. It will be what it will be.

There is a Dom on tumblr ... I have not talked about him because really, I am not sure what to say ...

He started following me very early in my tumblr days ... I would call him tumblr famous even. Anybody who frequents tumblr ... even  as a lurker would know who he is.  I am not going to call him by his tumblr name though. Henceforth he shall be known as Maverick.

He reminds me of Eddie Murphy from Delirious ... There is a part where he describes the glories of fame:

Women are always throwing pussy at me. Here's a pussy, have a pussy .., thank you thank you, thank you for the pussy. There is so much pussy it is falling out of my pockets ...

Anyway, that's what it is like for Maverick ... Women are constantly & literally throwing themselves at him .. Of course 99.999% if them do it anonymously!

Not me though ... I would never through myself at anybody ... Ever! And even if I were to send a message to Maverick or anybody else on tumblr .. I would NEVER do it as a gray face. Why hide it?

Anyway, I digress ....

Maverick sent his first message to me way back when ... I am not even sure, ... September more than likely. I can't remember what it said (and it would take forever to go back thru my messages & try to find it) but it gave me a little thrill that is for sure. I was kinda starstruck, I admit .... I couldn't believe he followed my blog let alone was asking ME a question (it was probably more of a statement)! I think we might have had a little conversation back & forth but then I figured he got bored & went back to all the pussy being thrown his way.

A couple of weeks later he sent another message.

Send me a picture ... I am naughty like that! 

WHOA! I didn't want to be rude so I politely declined saying that I don't do pictures.

And that was that ....

I think the next was the beginning of November maybe?

Stop it! You're blog is ridiculous! I am TRYING to work here!   - It was 4am!

He actually posted this & my response to his wall ... then I got all blushy etc etc. But by then I had a little bit more confidence with being more relaxed when talking to him ... yes I was still pretty starstruck. It wasn't too long after that, we started to kik .

I am NOT a fan of chatting or messaging or whatever the kids are calling it these days. I am a really bad multi-tasker or a really good one (depends on your perspective). As I am writing this .. I have 2 different email accounts, facebook, my SW forum, blogger & tumblr all going on ... oh am I am having my usual ongoing "chat" with my Brat (it hasn't ended in almost 2 years this chat).   I find having multiple chats going on too distracting.

I created a kik account in late October maybe .. to talk to this guy on tumblr .. meh. He was the only contact I had in there. So anyway, Maverick & I established a kik chat. I thought cool ... cuz I really would love to get inside this guy's head. I do find him utterly fascinating & that's just by what he posts on his blog. So I was happy to get to know him.

Except .. after maybe 5 - 10 minutes of talking back & forth .. he reverts to one syllable answers, yes, no ... I ask questions, make comments, anyway to try to find my way in ... to get that dialogue going .... I didn't have much luck & eventually he just sort of drifted away. *sighs* oh well  ... it was fun while it lasted ...

Guess he wasn't interested.

Then the morning of my Dad's surgery ... really early, I was just getting out of bed. There was that familiar ping from my phone. Hmmmm ...

Do you like my hat? 

HOLY HANNA! I'M AWAKE!!!!  He sent me a picture .. of his hat ... of his strategically placed hat!!!!!  (I was going to post part of the picture up but really it's not mine to post here or anywhere else) ... we'll just say YUMMMMMM & leave it at that. ;)

"That's a fine hat!"  

*smiley face* 

And that completed THAT particular conversation.

That is pretty much what it has been like since. He will send me a message sometimes every day sometime every couple of days ...  usually it is hearts & kissy faces ... sometimes it's pictures. His "Christmas card" was quite ... O.O   .. he likes to strategically place "things" ... Once it was a picture of chicken, jalapenos etc .. he was gonna "own my kitchen" & cook ... another time it was some sketches he was working on for a commission ... there were even photo shoot photos of him in a suit ... links to something particular on his blog that I hadn't "liked" yet .... yesterday's ...

He is completely random ... I cannot figure him out ... at all. It has driven me slightly mad .. of course he just "smiled" when I told him that. 

I don't understand why he keeps doing it ... he has pussy being thrown at him left, right & centre. He IS poly and has .. well, we will just say more than one sub (it is the one conversation we have had .. what being poly means to him). 

So why me? And is this some sort of test??? Contact her & often .. but don't say "anything" ... What's the point? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Is he just bored? Does he want to drive me crazy? Does he want friendship? Does he want more? 

I KNOW he's not shy & I KNOW he loves to talk ... so why won't he talk to me? Even when it's always him that starts the "conversation?" 

And the more he does it .. the more I am fascinating, frustrated, intrigued, determined, put off, pissed off, drawn in, sucked in, confused, amused and as always .. just a little star struck. 

Be Careful What You Wish For ...

...



We had been friends for awhile (horrible flirts!) .. then one day,  seemingly out of the blue he emails "I think maybe I want you to go to your bedroom, gag yourself with one if your stockings & spank your ass 20 times with a hairbrush. I will be back in 20 minutes, you may play with yourself til then"

HELLO!

It never even occurred to me not to comply!

It's been fairly amazing ever since!

We are just living in the moment & loving every minute of it!

(((hugs)))
gk

=^.^=

“What does being a Dom or sub mean to you personally?”

This question was posted on tumblr by a friend of mine .. I did not feel qualified to answer it. But then he asked me to personally. MEEP!

I know what it means to me, in my head. Translating it into written word .. well we'll see.

I have always had a need to make people about. It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I have been accused alot in my life of being a bleeding heart. I have said this before .. I am an emotional creature. I tend to led with my heart rather than my head. Feel first .. think after. .. but this should wait for another post (or not).

Being submissive to me is about being able to give of myself. Of belonging. Sating the need to please. It's more than the physical aspect. Reaching into my mind and forcing me to admit to myself, things that I am too afraid to admit. Pushing my boundaries. I love the mind fuckery of it all. I love the feeling of fear, when pushed .. to try something new. And with "all the experience I have" (she says sarcastically) ... everything is still so new!

And being submissive, to the right Dom? Well I LOVE being owned. Being His kittie, His pet, His baby girl, His pain slut, His fuck toy. The thrill I get of hearing "I am so proud of you" "good girl" "you ARE MINE" ... *purrrrrs* ... it makes me very proud to belong to Him, to know that I have pleased Him, to make Him happy.

And being His submissive, it lets me sing. He doesn't want a doormat ... enjoys my sassy playfulness, yet does not hesitate to let me know when I have gone too far. And knows me well enough to know when something is wrong .. even before I realize it. I can be me ... quirky, geeky, star wars fan girl, nuts, moody, scared, cuddly, needy, serious, vanilla .. all of it.. Just me.

And that's what being submissive means to me.

Do You Think BDSM is for You???

I have been having a hard time putting in to words, what D/s means to me. I have been doing alot of reading and researching as well as soul searching.

And it literally just hit me .. writing this post. It's been 4 months today, since former Dom left me. Wow .. only 4 months??? It seems like a lifetime ago now!!!! I have grown sooo much since then! How appropriate that I write this post today (quite by accident too)

One of his favourite questions he asked me alot .. "do you think BDSM is for you?" I could never give him an answer.

I would think that answer is a resounding YES. But it is so much more than that. It is more than dungeons, being tied up, spanked, flogged, fucked etc etc. It's D/s, it's TPE, it's a way of life.

It is with great sadness that I have to report that I had to let PwP go. He truly is a great guy and I do care about him. But I do believe we are destined to be good friends. We just want different things. And to be blunt (but hopefully not too hurtful) .. he is just not the Dom I am looking for. I do hope that he can forgive me & understand one day. :'(

So what am I looking for then? And THIS is what I find so hard to put into word. *deep breath*

Former Dom, although not an "experienced" Dom, set the bar. I don't even think he knew exactly what we were doing or where we were headed but .. well that's what I want .. I want THAT back. I never once didn't know my place and never once was he afraid of keeping me there. It took me 3 "dates" to earn the right to see him (he kept me blindfolded for the first two dates ... something he just sort of made up as he went along). Once I wanted to "talk to him" on a serious matter & he would not even entertain it because I tried to call him by his first name instead of Sir. He calmly and rationally talked me off the edge on more than one occasion. LOL .. I was nervous because I had to do a photoshoot once for a magazine & his solution for "my nerves" ... go remove my panties 3 hours before the shoot & do NOT put them back on! So yes, there is a picture of me in a local magazine .. all Star Wars Costumed out .. with no knickers on! (and my mother so proudly shows that magazine off to all her friends) o.O

He owned me, and he cared for me and, well, I just worshipped him .. I really did. It's too bad he can't ask me that question now ... "do you think this is for you, precious?" HELLS YES SIR!!!!

In these long 4 months, since he left me, I have learned. I know who I am now and I know what I want. I have read and I have asked questions. I have made friends. I have even experimented. But I have not found what I am looking for.

I am looking for a Dom .. one who, wants to own me, to possess me, to make me his. I want a Dom who (for example) will send me a text, in the middle of the day, telling me to go to the bathroom "put an elastic around your thigh & snap it 10 times because it will give me pleasure for you to hurt yourself for me" (I read that somewhere & it really struck a cord with me). I want a Dom, who will control me, that will listen to me, who will let me be sassy but will NOT let me be a brat. A Dom who knows, who he is and what he wants, and is not afraid to go out there and get it.

My inner-sub is screaming for this. I want to be owned, to be possessed. I long to be pleasing, to be used, as a fucktoy, as a friend, as a pet. All the time .. in all things and not just in the bedroom. It's kind of like it's all or nothing.

I think sometimes what I am looking for is unattainable. But then I take to blogland & I read. There are Doms that I really look up to & say yes, that's what I am talking about!!! And I read subs' blogs .. some are married, some are single, some are poly, some are slaves. And I envy them all! *grins* .. they have what I want! But I admire them as well ... they have what I want!

So is what I am looking for unattainable?? NO!!! ... I was told by a friend to not settled for anything less than what I want. HE IS OUT THERE .. my Dom. And he is brilliant, he is funny, he is kind, he is cruel, he is strong, he is commanding, he is sweet, he is demanding, he is .. everything. And he will set this little inner-subbie free!

Bittersweet

Today is Goldie's funeral .. in Halifax (halfway across the country). We were communicators in the navy together. I remember playing the Last Post (Canadian version of Taps) on my trumpet at his Dad's funeral. I would have loved to do that for Goldie as well! :(   Well actually, I did, yesterday, much to the "joy" of my neighbours. It helped me say good bye (and I am glad I did not sound like a dying duck) *giggles*

Today is also my Brat's graduation ceremony. (My Brat is my 21 year gay bestie - <3). We are soooo proud of him. He is graduating from college with a Degree in Advanced Architecture Techniques. He is going on to university in September for his full degree in Architecture.

I am glad not to be at work today. One more day away from the bullshit my union rep has caused me is a good thing. Tomorrow, I go about finding a new rep and looking to getting her reprimanded (hopefully fired). I have one simple complaint against management and due to her unprofessionalism and personal vendetta against my boss, she has single handedly, discredited me and made something simple into something way more complicated and messy. *sighs* fight on I shall.

The CSM and I are working on trying to find a time to see each other. He is NOT the one but he does fill a void. He understands how crazy I have been these past couple of months .. the restlessness & the aggression. Like I said .. he is willing to help .. to give me a "tune up" *giggles*. But he is not free. I am breaking one of my own rules (and I don't like it) ... but I need this.

I miss talking to Charming. He had the ability (and patience) to talk me down from a rant, make me laugh, "teach" me something, make me think & make me feel better, all in the "same breath" so to speak. *sighs*

I have been chatting alot with my very vanilla girlfriend. She has met a new guy .. a very dynamic guy so she is all giggly etc etc. He reminds me alot of my former Dom. I cannot believe it's only been almost 3 months since he left. It feels like a lifetime ago. Anyway, with talking so much with her, it has made me realize, just how good we were together. We both may have been new & inexperienced but ohhhh we had such great chemistry. We just clicked, immediately, on oh so many levels. Everything was easy & natural. Something very rare & special, I am finding out. I do hope that he is finding happiness back in his vanilla life but I would never turn him away if he ever wanted to come back. No matter what. (and of course I WANT HIM BACK)

Wow, I didn't realize I had this much to say. I guess the weekend has given me alot of time to think & reflect.

Maybe even one day this blog will be about what it was intended to be about. My "place" in this lifestyle. *sighs*