Never Gonna Be Anything Other Than Me

I know I know .. the title of this post is full of suggestion, but those who know me .. know I am unapologetically me.

But really that's not what I am talking about.

I am talking about the ol' switcheroonie.

It has been quite the topic of conversation for the past week.

switch ...

top...

domme ...

MEH!

I have no desire to be any of those things.

MyBatman does agree, even thinks I would be a "diabolical" top, that I don't have it in me to be a Domme.

And He is absolutely right.

I don't ... and ...

I don't ever want to.

Besides He has a Domme .. why would He ever want another? Why would I even want to be?? (I wouldn't)

BUT ...

I cannot lie, He set me to a task (we have not implemented thus far ... I am in no hurry), a task to my mind .. is insurmountable. I am doomed to never ending failure. Would I try to do it? Of course I would ... for Him.

It got me thinking though. (never a good thing) IF I were ever permitted a Switch Day .. I would call it Kittie Appreciation Day & I would visit on my good Dom the things He has me do.

Like putting an elastic band around each thigh & snapping it 10 times ... allowing Him to play with Himself if it helps ... but "you better not fucking cum"

Or taking a ruler and spanking Himself on the inner thighs ... across His ass .. under His ass ... all the while twisting His nipples as hard as He can - PURPLE NURPLES!!!!

Sticking things into places that they ought to go.

Yes .. the kittie CAN be diabolical ... well, as diabolical as her Batman is anyway.

And it would be DELIGHTFUL!!!!

But that is as far as I would go because me being me ... I like to have fun. I do like pain it is true BUT I do not like humiliation, or just plain old being mean.

MyBatman did ask me if I thought that once I had a taste of the "top" life if I would want to stay that way.

I personally know a couple of subs that this has happened to. But no, it is NOT me.

Although I have limited knowledge (what I have seen on here, tumblr & fet .. okay porn too) but I do not like Dommes ... they scare me.

 (this is VERY generally speaking I do not mean to offend) ...

It always seems to me that they are always out to prove themselves BETTER than men. Feminists gone WILD.  Men & women dig it & I am down with that .. but it's just not for me.

I have no desire to see a man dressed in any articles of women's clothing ... not panties, or nylons (I fucking hate nylons & am now made to wear them on Fridays *sighs*), bras, school girl uniforms .. whatever.

And I don't do humiliation, it's a hard limit for me.

I have spent my whole life putting myself down .. I have no wish to have somebody else bring those demons back .. nor would I intentionally do that to another person.

Nope, I am quite happy to be little sub kittie named geeky .. more little than sub (well I just like to have fun so I think I have some little qualities).

*clears throat*

So, in conclusion ... I don't want to "switch" ... I just want a "kittie appreciation day".

Luckily MyBatman knows me well enough (sometimes even
better than I think He does) and He will give me my day,  & He knows exactly what He will get. He does not like pain .. but He will hurt ... for me.

... and it will be joyous.

Switch

MyBatman is in a FemDom relationship with another. 

MyBatman is all Dom with me. 

MyBatman is an amazing Dom.

MyBatman has a very devilish imagination. 

MyBatman loves to give me self-inflicted ouchies.

MyBatman does not like pain himself.

MyBatman thinks i would be "diabolical" as a top. 

MyBatman knows that i would not do anything to Him that He hasn't done to me. 

MyBatman is more than a little excited & nervous at the thought of "switching things up" 

MyBatman should be nervous. 

*winks*

Pain

It still really hurts, although I am slowly getting better.

The first two weeks were hell. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat ... I couldn't talk. I was a hot mess. Just trying to get thru the work day was torture. I was barely holding it together ... it was so obvious, but nobody could approach me. It was a good day if I could just make it home without breaking down at least once. And once I got home .. I would lose it completely. *sighs*

It was like being held captive in my own house and in my own head. There was no escape, everywhere I looked there were reminders.

I was grateful for that fateful day, when I ran into Former D. If nothing else, he provided a much needed distraction from my angst. But really not once in those crazy couple of days, did you ever leave me .. not for a second. But I had to pick up my socks, try to move forward. And Former D to the rescue! (although he didn't know it). I really did wish that I could have been with him ... just to try to erase you from my head & my memories.

But things are slowly getting better now. I know life must go on and I must keep moving forward. I have good days & bad. I can talk again without being reduces to a blubbering idiot and I can laugh.

Today was a bad day. Today I just wanted to crawl under the covers & never come out. Today was a day, where it was hard to breath .. the ache in my very being was huge .. consuming me. I want today to be over.

But I am angry now too. Another useless emotion that does not help. It makes me want to lash out. To call you vile names .. to call you a stupidhead ... to be hurtful.

I would love to masturbate ... I have tried once already. I couldn't finish before I started sobbing uncontrollably. I suppose that is to be expected considering how you did control those actions. Maybe it was too soon?

I have never felt this way, about anybody else, as I did with you. and I have never felt this type of pain before either.

I did not just lost my Dom .. I have lost a piece of me.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better.