Well now .. what to say?? It's been a while ...
.. but I've got nothing. Life is just rolling ever forward ... I have been here but there is nothing. The give a fuck factor is almost non-existent.
I am so fucking bored & restless. I have been battling my demons (mainly depression) for weeks now. Some days are good .. some days are not. Most days though, I just exists.
I have started 4 or 5 new blog posts .. some even have some words in them. But I can't form two coherent thoughts together.
I know most of this is caused by this hellish & never ending winter - another 10 cms on Saturday & the temp dropped today, so another day of dressing like the fucking Stay Puff Marshmallow man. *sighs*
And never mind BDSM or even a sex life .. what the fuck is that??? I can't even muster the energy to care, Selfies? .. meh .. why bother.
Okay wow ... Happy Monday to you all .. fm Debbie Downer
Sorry.
Things will pick up .. I know ...
they always do.
And until I find my happy place again I shall bid you all happy kinkiness!
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, March 3, 2014
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Pain
It still really hurts, although I am slowly getting better.
The first two weeks were hell. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat ... I couldn't talk. I was a hot mess. Just trying to get thru the work day was torture. I was barely holding it together ... it was so obvious, but nobody could approach me. It was a good day if I could just make it home without breaking down at least once. And once I got home .. I would lose it completely. *sighs*
It was like being held captive in my own house and in my own head. There was no escape, everywhere I looked there were reminders.
I was grateful for that fateful day, when I ran into Former D. If nothing else, he provided a much needed distraction from my angst. But really not once in those crazy couple of days, did you ever leave me .. not for a second. But I had to pick up my socks, try to move forward. And Former D to the rescue! (although he didn't know it). I really did wish that I could have been with him ... just to try to erase you from my head & my memories.
But things are slowly getting better now. I know life must go on and I must keep moving forward. I have good days & bad. I can talk again without being reduces to a blubbering idiot and I can laugh.
Today was a bad day. Today I just wanted to crawl under the covers & never come out. Today was a day, where it was hard to breath .. the ache in my very being was huge .. consuming me. I want today to be over.
But I am angry now too. Another useless emotion that does not help. It makes me want to lash out. To call you vile names .. to call you a stupidhead ... to be hurtful.
I would love to masturbate ... I have tried once already. I couldn't finish before I started sobbing uncontrollably. I suppose that is to be expected considering how you did control those actions. Maybe it was too soon?
I have never felt this way, about anybody else, as I did with you. and I have never felt this type of pain before either.
I did not just lost my Dom .. I have lost a piece of me.
Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better.
The first two weeks were hell. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat ... I couldn't talk. I was a hot mess. Just trying to get thru the work day was torture. I was barely holding it together ... it was so obvious, but nobody could approach me. It was a good day if I could just make it home without breaking down at least once. And once I got home .. I would lose it completely. *sighs*
It was like being held captive in my own house and in my own head. There was no escape, everywhere I looked there were reminders.
I was grateful for that fateful day, when I ran into Former D. If nothing else, he provided a much needed distraction from my angst. But really not once in those crazy couple of days, did you ever leave me .. not for a second. But I had to pick up my socks, try to move forward. And Former D to the rescue! (although he didn't know it). I really did wish that I could have been with him ... just to try to erase you from my head & my memories.
But things are slowly getting better now. I know life must go on and I must keep moving forward. I have good days & bad. I can talk again without being reduces to a blubbering idiot and I can laugh.
Today was a bad day. Today I just wanted to crawl under the covers & never come out. Today was a day, where it was hard to breath .. the ache in my very being was huge .. consuming me. I want today to be over.
But I am angry now too. Another useless emotion that does not help. It makes me want to lash out. To call you vile names .. to call you a stupidhead ... to be hurtful.
I would love to masturbate ... I have tried once already. I couldn't finish before I started sobbing uncontrollably. I suppose that is to be expected considering how you did control those actions. Maybe it was too soon?
I have never felt this way, about anybody else, as I did with you. and I have never felt this type of pain before either.
I did not just lost my Dom .. I have lost a piece of me.
Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better.
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