Never Gonna Be Anything Other Than Me

I know I know .. the title of this post is full of suggestion, but those who know me .. know I am unapologetically me.

But really that's not what I am talking about.

I am talking about the ol' switcheroonie.

It has been quite the topic of conversation for the past week.

switch ...

top...

domme ...

MEH!

I have no desire to be any of those things.

MyBatman does agree, even thinks I would be a "diabolical" top, that I don't have it in me to be a Domme.

And He is absolutely right.

I don't ... and ...

I don't ever want to.

Besides He has a Domme .. why would He ever want another? Why would I even want to be?? (I wouldn't)

BUT ...

I cannot lie, He set me to a task (we have not implemented thus far ... I am in no hurry), a task to my mind .. is insurmountable. I am doomed to never ending failure. Would I try to do it? Of course I would ... for Him.

It got me thinking though. (never a good thing) IF I were ever permitted a Switch Day .. I would call it Kittie Appreciation Day & I would visit on my good Dom the things He has me do.

Like putting an elastic band around each thigh & snapping it 10 times ... allowing Him to play with Himself if it helps ... but "you better not fucking cum"

Or taking a ruler and spanking Himself on the inner thighs ... across His ass .. under His ass ... all the while twisting His nipples as hard as He can - PURPLE NURPLES!!!!

Sticking things into places that they ought to go.

Yes .. the kittie CAN be diabolical ... well, as diabolical as her Batman is anyway.

And it would be DELIGHTFUL!!!!

But that is as far as I would go because me being me ... I like to have fun. I do like pain it is true BUT I do not like humiliation, or just plain old being mean.

MyBatman did ask me if I thought that once I had a taste of the "top" life if I would want to stay that way.

I personally know a couple of subs that this has happened to. But no, it is NOT me.

Although I have limited knowledge (what I have seen on here, tumblr & fet .. okay porn too) but I do not like Dommes ... they scare me.

 (this is VERY generally speaking I do not mean to offend) ...

It always seems to me that they are always out to prove themselves BETTER than men. Feminists gone WILD.  Men & women dig it & I am down with that .. but it's just not for me.

I have no desire to see a man dressed in any articles of women's clothing ... not panties, or nylons (I fucking hate nylons & am now made to wear them on Fridays *sighs*), bras, school girl uniforms .. whatever.

And I don't do humiliation, it's a hard limit for me.

I have spent my whole life putting myself down .. I have no wish to have somebody else bring those demons back .. nor would I intentionally do that to another person.

Nope, I am quite happy to be little sub kittie named geeky .. more little than sub (well I just like to have fun so I think I have some little qualities).

*clears throat*

So, in conclusion ... I don't want to "switch" ... I just want a "kittie appreciation day".

Luckily MyBatman knows me well enough (sometimes even
better than I think He does) and He will give me my day,  & He knows exactly what He will get. He does not like pain .. but He will hurt ... for me.

... and it will be joyous.

Well Now ... This is New!!!

We are back to the daily bathroom task.

When we were together before, MyBatman always gave me a task at work. 11am everyday, I would go to the private bathroom & do ... something.

This is back. The other day, the task involved a cold can of Pepsi & a "cool down" task .. I was cold for the rest of the day.

His favourite is having me snap an elastic to either my thigh or better still ... my boobs. Ouch!

... I did NOT miss the elastics.

This morning, He informs me that tomorrow I am to wear an "old pair of panties that I don't mind getting ruined"!!!!!

OH MY!

And all I got out of Him about that was,

"this week's theme is UNDER"

... & was sent off to the bathroom to slap the UNDER side of my boobs ... 10 times each with a ruler (I have a rubber ruler ... OUCH!)

....  We have themes now. Sir????

Indeed we do kittie, he replies ... " and just wait til CONDIMENT week"

WTF?????????

Living Online

I love "for the love of a sub" (from tumblr)  ... He writes very honestly and thoughfully.

online D/s relationships

I recently came across this article (link above)

Anyway, having an online D/s relationship IS alot like fantasy. I have seen alot of different types of relationships online. Some are very beautiful and genuine. Most I find have an air of phoniness to them .. they are not real .. and they tend to overcompensate for the fact that it is fantasy (if that makes sense). I think it's just the nature of the beast.

Wolf and I are online all the time. We text all day & we skype at night. It's the next best thing to being there.

It doesn't matter what we do .. whether we play or not. We just are. We play ... we talk .. we play and talk. *smiles*

He is out "on location" right now .. working the "graveyard" shift. We just finished skyping ... because He had to go .. something broke. But anyway, it's fun .. Him sitting his truck, explaining his job to me. It's like being at work with Him. The oil field is quite the interesting place to be. He thinks I'm weird cuz I find it all very fascinating.

But I digress ....

Like I said, it's the next best thing to being there. But we do make an concerted effort to spend time together in real space. We have been really lucky that way. His job does not allow for Him to have much time off .. hardly any actually. And the distance ... But we manage to make it work.

It's been just about 7 months now since we got together (wow - 7 months already!) and we are preparing for our 5th visit together. Considering the time constraint and the considerable distance (don't even get me started on air travel!!!) we have done really well.

We even have a long term plan in the works.

So yes, online relationships can & do work .... LDR's can & do work.

You just have to want it bad enough.

.... oh and for our fifth visit He insists on coming here ... in December! .. because He wants to experience Canada in winter! .... Silly Man! ;)

A Happy Schmoopey Kittie

I have been given a task today:

"I want you to put what you are feeling right now, today ... put into words"

I have been given the choice to either blog it or email. I figure since I have subjected you all, to months of maudlin, whiny stuff that, I figured this would be a nice change of pace ....

Things have been going so well for us. We have been together for roughly 4 months now ... WOW! .. four months ... it seems like yesterday and forever, all at the same time.

We kik all day long & we skype almost every night. We don't always play & I am not always given tasks. Alot of times we just talk .. about what is going on in the moment, the future, the past, whatever. Like two "normal" human beings! O.O

Today is a heavy task day ... not heavy stuff but tasks\at regular intervals\throughout the day .. with pictures *wink wink*

It has made me reflective ... about my submission. I try to be submissive every day but really I don't know that I THINK about it every day.

Today, I am thinking about what it means to me ... being His submissive, it is what I am to write about.

I am happy .. I am schmooepey*.

Every day, we grow closer ... as a couple. And we grow closer as a Dom & sub.

I want to make Him happy .. I want to make Him proud, even if it means doing things that I am not necessarily too keen on doing. It's about pleasing Him and that makes me happy.

I am very attuned to my submissive self right now. I couldn't be happier. It almost feels like being enveloped in a warm blanket .. I feel cozy, warm & safe. And more contented and happy than I could have ever imagined.

I am loved and I love in return.

There are no outside forces pulling either of us apart (distance & time are but minor nuisances).

We are very protective of each other ... He makes sure that I am taking care of myself. He lets me be "bossy" when it comes to Him taking care of Himself as well.

I inspire Him and He plays with me.

The fact that we can talk about everything & anything is amazing too. There is such freedom in knowing that the person you are with, wants to know what you have to say ... wants to know how you are feeling .. even if it is not so good. And we are really developing excellent communication skills when misunderstandings happen .. and let face it, they will happen. But we nip in it the bud pretty quickly & move on.

I feel so free right now ... like there is nothing I can't do or I can't say. It's so amazing. I don't have to hide. There is no shame. I am me!

And the best part is that He is just as much mine as I am His ... And He makes sure I know it, every hour of every day. That is the best feeling in the world. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that He is not going anywhere.

So I am, right now, feeling FULL ... full of Love, of submissiveness, pride, faith, joy, contentment, anticipation, wonder, awe, & schmoopiness. I am fair to burstin' !!!!

(not to mention very aroused & excitable as I have been edging every 2 hours too!!!)

We are learning and growing ... together. And there is no greater feeling in the world. 

(PS .. I am VERY schmoopey right now! *giggles*) 

****Schmoopey is a word I stole from my bestie .. it pretty much means all the lovey dovey romantical stuff., all rolled up into a single word. Sir Wolf likes it too *winks*

A Long Way to Go

I have been giving  a task today ..... well tasks I guess.

And the first thoughts out of my lazy brain?

...... I don't feel like it.

What? Really?

But I complied..

And I am doing it but ... my mind *sighs*

He kinda called me on it and asked .... "am I irritating you/"

"Am I irritating you?" hmmmm ... good question.

No, He is not ... but I am irritating me.

Well I am not mad or resentful or anything like that. I am just being lazy

And it really has gotten me to thinking about my submission.

Not that I don't want it because I do .. I absolutely do. And I want to be the best sub I can possibly be for him (no, I know that nobody is perfect & there are always going to be "those" days)

But I need to school my mind.

To always try to be more pleasing ... to be more submissive.\Not just during play but all the time.

And I realized just how far I still have to go.
(but I will always keep going ,,, I am perpetually a work in progress!)

A Slip of the Tongue

I don't really know what possessed me to do it & as soon as I did, I started giggling.

That look on his face, had me dancing away, laughing out loud!

(backtrack at bit)

Sir Wolf got the news last Thursday, or the email & his plane ticket. He was going back to Texas on Sunday! He had expected to stay in Pennsylvania for the summer! *sighs* Such is the nature of his work! Anyway, on Friday, he rented a car & drove 5 hours & one border crossing , JUST to say "goodbye". It was essentially a 24 hour visit.

So really, what did make me stick out my tongue at him, like I did? *giggles*

I don't know who was more surprised? Me or Him? Through my giggles, I did manage to squeak out an apology .. or two. But the "damage" was done.

The result???

I was collared & cuffed. Hands locked to the rings of my collar. Clips on nipples (really my nipple clamps just will not stay on ... so we use "chip" clips that I have). I am standing between his legs as he sits on the edge of the bed & looks up at me.

The wand is turned on high and jammed between my legs. Thank goodness his inner thighs are there to support me because almost instantaneously my legs turn to jello. He moves the wand around ... just to make me twitch & jump. And a flick of a clip, sent a different kind of shiver thru my body. Oh, the SMILE on His face.

And then, before either of us expected it! GUSH! Oh I squirted alright ... down my legs, down his legs .. all over the floor! OH MY! It was so sudden it shocked both of us.

I don't believe in being deliberately bad, for the sake of getting "punished" or for attention. But I can see .. it definitely has it's merits! ;)

Hmmmm, is that what "funishment" is like???!

... Now what?

My Sir Wolf came as promised. And we had a wonderful time, both vanilla & kinky.

He brought me my new day collar which I only take off for showering & dishes.

Those 3 days were wonderful & magical & not long enough. We are counting the days til the next visit.

But ....

I have been sitting here all week, not knowing what to write about! There is so much to say .. I couldn't possibly put it all into words!

It's funny that I find it so hard to write about it now.

Maybe because I have never really talked too much about the present ... all my musings have been of things past and opportunities lost

Now, here I am in a happy, healthy, mutually beneficial D/s relationship .. well really, a relationship I have been waiting for, for my whole life. And for once ... I am tongue tied!

WTF?

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!

... HE IS ON HIS WAY!!!!!!!!

T-5hours

*faints dead away* 

Happiness Is .......

Sir Wolf: honestly if it's better than maybe the plug for an hour

me: plugged & collared & ready to do chores

Sir Wolf's happy kittie!

.... just sayin'

We Now Return You to Your Regular Schedualled Programming

I'm back!

This time last week, I was not convinced that I had survived the bedlam that is COMICON. Boy oh boy, it's one thing to troop at a con but entirely different when you are "hosting" ... It doesn't help that we are always determined to outdo ourselves too

*sighs*

Of course after about 2 weeks of non-stop insanity ... I crashed & burnt last week. The fibro started to fight back & laid me low ... 2 days chained to my bed & not in a good way either!

This past weekend was our "Victoria Day" long weekend (equivalent to Memorial Day) .. Which was well timed as I could fully recuperate at my beloved lake! It was a chilly weekend but at least it didn't snow & was an excellent way to recharge my batteries.

I am finding it a tad bit difficult to get back into blogging. I want to blog. I have alot to say. But I can't seem to find the time. I blame my Sir Wolf. *giggles* He takes up a lot of my time .. between kik & skype.

 No I am NOT complaining. I am LOVING it. Every minute of it!!!!!

...... I just haven't found the time to write about  it! ;)

Well, Colour me Collared!

Sneaks a peak to make sure the coast is clear of all curses ....

Well it's been 4 days since I wrote about my Wolf and still no curse ... oooh .. maybe the curse has been broken???

It's been a whirlwind of a week for us. So much is happening. His work is keeping us both guessing .. things change rapidly within his work schedule ... sometimes it leaves me dizzy! But hopefully that can't last forever ... or maybe it is the nature of the beast. I don't know.

And as for us ... we are going strong. Learning more of each other everyday .. and liking more & more each day as well. The whole "rushing" thing is there but the fact that we can talk it out, really does not make it seem all that important of a "thing" . It is what it is & that fits us both perfectly.

I am now his collared kittie ... and very proud to be so.

Wolf has never collared anybody before and it was important to Him to make it special. This was also new & special for me as well. I have worn my collar for both my former Doms before, but it was just that My Collar .. one I had had back from my "goth" days.

But the fact that my Wolf wants me to wear HIS collar???

*swoons*

We ordered a collar that we both liked (from my local shop) but it is going to take a whole week to get here (hopefully by this Friday)

But this was not soon enough for Sir Wolf. 

Nope .. I had to go to the shop & pick out one for immediate use. There really wasn't alot that caught my eye but we finally did find one that would suit us both until my permanent collar arrives .... 

I like the spikes but they do come off if need be! 

I was very excited to get home & try it on but Wolf wanted to do things right. I could try it on but only for a minute. He waited until with Skyped that evening. He wrote the most beautiful speech & read it to me. And with that I donned my collar & became his happy collared baby girl. I count myself both blessed and lucky

to be his.

We are currently looking for a day collar so that I have something to wear all the time. It has been a little bit harder to find. I prefer something for my wrist because I am not really a "necklace" kinda gal and I like simple and small. 

If anybody has any suggestions on where to look ..  any assistance would be greatly accepted. 

Out of the Ashes .... rose a Wolf

As yet another attempt at another doomed D/s came to a close .. arose MyWolf ... and of course, when I least expected.

We are trying not to rush, although it is very hard not to .. we talk about it though .. wanting to do things "right" and we are getting to know one another. Both wanting more .. trying to be patient.

We talk and we play and tonight we even skyped for 2 hours (no video feed though ... yet) ..first time for me!

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he says the most wonderful things and I know I can believe him.

Right, we are trying to go slow ... but we are having fun.

And I am even getting a brand new collar ... HIS collar. *swoons*

~~~~~ And btw blog curse ...

fuck this up & this WILL be you! 

Polar Opposites Anniversary!

his slut & I share this date.

Today is her DomDay ... the first anniversary of the beginning of her D/s  and today is my one year anniversary since ...

The Last Kiss

Yup .. one year ago today marked the end of my D/s with FormerD. The end of my first foray down the rabbit hole.

I was actually talking with FormerD last night. I wished him a very HAPPY LAST TIME WE FUCKED OUR BRAINS OUT ANNIVERSARY!

*giggles* I could almost see the expression on his face .. that look of bewilderment ... I think I am quite
possibly the strangest person he has ever met!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Anyway, he said he likes my blog!! Although he has only read a very little bit (probably only the Last Kiss post cuz I sent him the link quite a while ago) ... I told him he should comment as anon.

He is like the hero of this blog ... he created me. I would not be "here" if it weren't for him. Literally!!!!

(He won't ever comment though because "I am much too private a person for that" - yeah yeah .. it would be fun if he did though)

So happy DomDay to you HS and no I am definately NOT sad about my anniversary because as my very first post says it's the anniversary "Beginning from the End"

Just a really good read.

The Chief found this article yesterday ... I think it's worth sharing. 

For all those, that didn't know & are curious (I know I learned quite a bit) ..... 

being her Daddy-being his little girl

The Promise of a New Dawn

FINALLY!

 THANK THE MAKER!!!

We are out of that seemingly never ending deep freeze. The thaw has started & spring is in the air! (Not to mention that the skunks are awake! O.O)

It is time to wake up ... Shake away the cobwebs & start enjoying life again.

With spring brings the promise of new life and renewal. I totally embrace this ... I NEED IT.

A time to shed the old and embrace new adventures ... new possibilities.

It's time to have some fun ... Long overdue fun. And I intend to do exactly that!.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME TOO!!!!!!! 

And I am off to a good start. An "new season" of trooping, new costumes & cons is well underway.

AND ...

I have met someone!

SQUEEE!!!!!!

Ok, I am not going to say too much .. It's still early days. But the Chief is fairly AMAZING!

He is a Daddy/Dominant which is something completely new & different.
I am NOT a little in the "standard" definition of what a little would be. Nor would I ever want to be.
But fuck it - I hate labels anyway.

We are on a path of discovery ... discovering each other, things in common, likes and dislikes, wants and desires, hopes and fears, futures and pasts. All the shiny new stuff, that always makes you want to dive right in, run head first, to taste and experience everything all at once and as fast as humanly possible.

Thank goodness, the Chief is way more level headed than moi! He will keep a firm grasp on my leash to be sure

And we are discovering things within ourselves, that maybe were just waiting for the right time or the right person to bring to light or just maybe trying something new on for size?

Or as the Chief told me this afternoon "We may find that we both are filling each others needs already"

I dunno .. maybe but ..

"We are telling the story of us" ... it's growing and it's evolving, changing direction, slowing down, speeding up, playful, serious, sensual, or rough. We are both very open minded and are happy to follow whichever direction the wind blows.

.... the possibilities are endless!!!!

 

One last thing. That post .. the question about the Fantasy Spanker that joeyred asked??? I said that I had 3 "fantasy Doms" that I thought of as perfect examples of what great Doms should be (in my opinion). Well, anyway, when I wrote that I never EVER would have imagined, that ONE OF THEM would actually choose ME!!!!!    O.O 

It's the Little Things - An Answer for Tiklish

Ok, this might seem like an odd question, but above you described how hot and sensual and different from how you ever imagined it would be it was the first time with FormerD. Can you give any more specifics in your description, or, do you have any idea if there's any video out there of it being done this hot sensual way? Because, like you said, there's porn, but if there's a better hotter more sensual way to do this, I'd love to know what it is, so I could show Master. Hee

Oh, Tiklish .. you don't know how much I love this question! I don't think it is odd at all!!! (you might even be sorry that you asked, because I will probably babble on forever)

About the details of the hot & sensual of my first time, I have it all written down in this post first night pt 1, this post: pt 2 and finally this post: pt 3

And you can read about our last night together here: the last kiss

I go into quite a bit of detail about two very significant nights that I had with FormerD. 

It was not always like that though .. sometimes time got in the way and sometimes without meaning to ... you just need a good hard fuck. 

Both FormerD and subsequently MyBatman controlled the play/sex. They were the Dom's after all .. I just held on & enjoyed the ride. I was very lucky that they were both very sexy&sexual (meaning they loved sex), albeit in vastly different ways. 

Nope to me, it's the Dom/Master's responsibility for the physical acts. To me, I liked to create the little things. 

Before our first night together FormerD had a very specific list of instructions he wanted me to fill. He wanted candles, background music, my favourite toy as well as my collar out at the ready for his use, and condoms (we almost forgot the condoms!!!). I wanted to create the mood. So as I embellished where I could. I had a nice "table cloth" laid out on the coffee table to hold my toys etc, I put the condoms into a pretty dish vice leaving them in the box or just lying on the table, I made sure that my wand was plugged in to an extension cord. I made a special play list of soft music (I like to call it mush music .. soft, romantic type of stuff), all the candles were strategically placed to throw off the proper amount of light. The little things. 

 everything laid out, in a pleasing manner & ready for His use. 

For subsequent dates, I kept everything the same, only embellished more. Our second date he had requested food, a "sandwich", as he would be coming to my place directly from work & would be hungry. Again, I embellished .. the sandwich was put on a plate & covered with a pretty napkin so it wouldn't dry out & also a plate, with cheese, crackers & grapes to give him something to nibble on (besides me). And water, we had forgotten water the first night & considering neither of us spoke that entire night, I couldn't ask. So I also put out two glasses of water ... in wine glasses, just to add to ambiance. (he would give me water throughout the evening as I was still blindfolded & I think I actually wore more than I drank). 

And for his part, FormerD did not like to plan out scenes in advance. He might have a general idea about what he wanted to do but usually just let instinct guide him. But he is a sensual man & he had also known through our many many conversations that I am a very touchy feely type person. I crave touch .. whether it be hands, mouth or whatever .. skin on skin is the best. And I love to touch as well. But he knew this about me and he used it to his advantage. Even when he was leaving me that first night .. still blindfold, exhausted & hurting (in a good way), kneeling, with my ass in the air & forehead on the floor, naked, he slowly got dressed, stopping often to caress my butt, stroke my hair, kiss my shoulder. At one point, he even got down on the floor in front of me,  lifted my head & gave me one last kiss on my lips before he left. There were lots cuddles and hugs throughout that  first night & subsequent nights that followed. 

And when I was given free reign to worship him .. I would not settle for just a blow job. Nope, I wanted to explore all of him, to worship his whole body & not just his cock. Like I said when I was allowed free access, I took advantage to feel, touch, and taste his entire body .. to explore & get to know him.

Of course, not all  sessions were like that. We had some quickly scheduled quickies" when he was able to find a spare hour between work & picking up his kids. Those times we just got down & dirty .. but still there was lots of giggling & playing spread throughout. 

One time he even surprised me by showing up at my house unannounced. Of course I was in a pair of junky old sweats & a ratty t-shirt too. But he was really frazzled ... work was exploding, his kids were still having a hard time adjusting to the separation and his mother had just fallen & hurt her knee really badly. He was so frazzled. "I just wanted to see you" was what he said to me. We sat on the couch and chatted for about 5 minutes before he went all Domly on me & asked me why I had clothes on! *giggles* .. we resumed talking & it didn't even bother me that I was now completely naked!!! But it wasn't too long before I was kneeling on the floor before him because he NEEDED a foot message, & I should fuck the foot that was not getting messaged! O.O ... that was an interesting experience. It wasn't too long that I was draped over the back of the couch & his belt was out! And finally have a good hard fucking from behind (I remember he didn't even take his shirt off!!!), he had to get back to his mothers. When he was leaving, he looked kind of bewildered & sheepish ... "honestly I DIDN'T come here for that" ... to me though, he really looked like he just wanted to crawl up into the bed with me & sleep there for the rest of the night!

With MyBatman, things were alot different. Although he was alot more experienced, way more Domly, and certainly vastly more more hands on than FormerD ever was, we did not have the luxury of physicality. Nope, we pretty much only had email, so our words became essential. We spent alot of time "together" MyBatman & I ... way more than I could have ever hoped for with FormerD. We talked pretty much from the moment we would wake up til it was time for bed. We had a really big connection to each other that was both easy & electric .. you could literally feel it thru the web. *smiles*

MyBatman had rituals ... I was to send him emails every morning, with a picture of the panties I was going to wear for the day. And he also wanted me in my collar & cuffs while I was at home (I allowed to remove my collar to sleep in). I had an assigned task everyday (a specific time was never really established but it kind of evolved into an 11am private bathroom at work task). The tasks were hard ... always new territory for me, and I was required to write him a detailed report on how I made out. As with FormerD, I wanted to put my own little touches into this dynamic and one of the ways I found to do it was with pictures. So when i was doing my daily task .. I would always snap a few pictures of the 'results". Without it being required, I would send Him, a couple of the photos .. never too revealing though, but he seemed to like the added visuals that accompanied my required reports. Again as with FormerD, it's the little things that help to keep things refreshing.

the very first task

But I did not just leave it to the tasks. We were very visual ... and sent many a photo back & forth, usually something hot & dirty from tumblr. But again, without ever being asked .. I would send some selfies ... especially if he had me doing "unscheduled" tasks that he would come up with on the fly. It got to be a fun challenge for me, to take "naughty' pictures without actually revealing anything "too revealing". I even tried to get artistic about it. *giggles* 

Ooops, IT'S not working!!!!! 

*giggles*

So when all you have is email, communication becomes even more important than in RL. It requires alot of faith & imagination to keep things from becoming mundane or even silly. And HOLY HANNA, it's so difficult to type,  when you are fair to bursting, and you need to ask permission to cum ... THANK YOU AUTO CORRECT, you are both a blessing & a curse! 

cuffs & chains were the must have fashion accessory of the season! 

Before I met MyBatman I never thought I would be able to do the whole Online thing. I thought it would be weird & I would feel silly. But not once did I feel that way. It was just as real as my time with FormerD .. even when I was ordered to walk around my house with nothing but a shirt, collar & cuffs on. Or to crawl over to my water dish for a drink of water in the middle of the night. 

possibly my favourite picture I ever took for him. 

Those cuffs became like a second skin & I missed them whenever I had to take them off.

So Tiklish, I hope that I managed to answer your question. Of course, each relationship/dynamic is different .. the connect & chemistry, wants, desires, are all dependant on the individuals. I like to play around & figure out what my partner likes & dislikes. Like I said, they are Dom, they like to control (duh) but the little things that you can inject into your dynamic, might enhance what you already have. And don't forget to ask him, what he liked .. what he didn't like. Communication is key! 

I do not have any really good video sites that I have come across, that really delves into the more sensual side of things ..PORN *sighs*. I do recommend you read my posts that I have linked, for a thoroughly detailed accounting of just how those 2 nights went down. And you can check out my tumblr .. I tend to post alot of sensual pics, & gif (as well as the more hardcore fantasy type stuff). 

Thank you for the question. I have enjoyed babbling on & on about the little things. 

Not Qualified

So March is question month huh?

I don't really feel that I am "qualified" to answer any questions.

How to people even ask ... thru email? I do have my email linked onto my page but here it is anyway ,...

lostkiittie13@gmail.com

*shrug* ask away and I will try to answer.

Hard Limits

This is one area where I do have a lot of trouble with.

Apparently Doms don't like it when you tell them you don't really have a "hard limit list" ... who knew? I sure has hell didn't!! It's a good thing I am a quick study.

FormerD had wanted me to fill out a BDSM activity form, when we first started talking about this lifestyle. I said okay .. I will take a look.

I think I got to the third activity (can't even remember what it was - maybe spanked with a hair brush or a cane .. something like that anyway) ... and I shut down that window & sent him a message.

"if you want my mind to snap shut & have me ending up with a VERY big hard limit list, you will not ask me to fill this out" 

How so?

I have stated before on this blog (probably several times) .. when I think too much, THAT'S when I get into trouble. When I was looking at that checklist ... I swear, my head was saying NO FUCKING WAY .. to literally everything!!!!!

Most of it wasn't even that bad but my mind just couldn't grasp it. I am a very literal person ..and a visual one rather than technical, analyticil one.

I would much rather keep my mind open & be willing to try almost anything ... once.

Now that is not to say that I don't have hard limits because I do ... it may be a small list but it is rock solid.

Of course there are the standards ... no children (eww) or animals (triple ewww), no bloodletting, no guns, no knives, (why does that even have to be stated!!!),  needle play (although under the right circumstances) ... no medical play!

If I even hear the "E" word ... I would be out of there so fucking fast!!! And not be held responsible for any violence that I may incur. ... 'nuff said about THAT! *shudders*

But also on my little list (and this TRUTH!!!) :

My 4 lightsabers are NOT spanking implements!!!! 

COFFEE

MyBatman suggested ONCE that he should deny me my morning intake of caffeine  .. It immediately went on my hard limits list .. much to his amusement/bemusement! 

I had/have photography on there as well ... although I think it is more of a soft limit now. FormerD kinda encouraged me to take pictures for him .. not alot or not often but I didn't mind if I had "creative" licence. 

With MyBatman, I actually had alot of fun taking pictures of various tasks I had to do for him. They were very selective shots .. never revealing anything naughty or even what I looked like. He never asked for them .. I did that on my own. He only ever asked for (well ordered me to take) one photo and it was not anything bad. 

SafeD loves taking pictures ... and posting them on Fetlife & tumblr ... I know because he loves showing them to me when we are at coffee. Not something I am too interested in doing! 

Yes taking photos is definitely something that I will keep a certain amount of control over or it will go back on the hard limits list. 

So yup .. that's literally pretty much it. People are surprised with how small it is. I do have to usually add the codicil, that I am still relatively new to all this & bear that in mind BEFORE you decide you think you can go hog wild .. that will definitely result in a safe word to end the "play" more than likely permanently. Fortunately that has not really been an issue (well once with MrD) but it worked out. 

Of course, as always alot also depends on who you are with too! As always .. it is key .. chemistry, honesty & trust!!! 

It will grow .. my little hard limit list. I know I will add things as I go further down the rabbit hole. 

Gods only knows what other quirky things I will put on there.

 Hmmm, I wonder if I will have to put my ewok on there too! 

YUB NUB!!!!!  o.O 

Blurred Lines

Who Am I? (I always sing that question as Valjean in Les Miserables)

But yes, who am I? It's a question I have been asking myself over and over again for the past year.

I am not one who likes to be labelled. I usually will raise quite the stink if somebody tries to pigeonhole me! But in reality, I do it to myself all the time ... geek, Star Wars fangirl, weird, non-conformist .. yadda yadda yadda. With the exception of the Star Wars thing, those are pretty lose terms.

All I really know for certain is that I DO identify as "submissive"

But really what does that even mean?

A year ago, I was slowly learning ... learning about this lifestyle and all it entails. I didn't really know too much about it when I first met Mr Experience and more importantly FormerD. Truthfully, the only thing I really knew about BDSM was the porn aspect of it. And really, it probably has always peaked my interest, it was never something I thought I could bring myself to do (probably more to do with fear than anything else) ... I would have never even thought to approach anybody about it .. ever. So when opportunity comes a-knocking.

But with FormerD, I had alot of free time on my hands & he encouraged me to start researching. It was pretty early days when I discovered blogland and I am so glad that I did. I found that googling the different aspects of  this lifestyle was not all that helpful. I have learned more about stuff & who I am thru reading these blogs then in any other research that I have done. This whole BDSM thing was definitely more than meets the eye.

So I am submissive .. or I have submissive inclinations to be more accurate. (It's been too long since I have felt like a sub & ooooh the NEED is great at the moment *sighs*)

In the beginning, it was very cut & dry to me .. black & white if you will. I was a sub ... not a slave, not a little, not poly, or pet or a "service" sub, A sub ... FormerD's sub, only for him. Cut & dry .. no blurred lines at all!

He was very sure of himself (especially for somebody who too had relatively little experience) ... he knew how he was. He is Dom & he is a sadist. And for him, I was a sub, his fuck toy, his pain slut. Very cut & try. I just had a hard time admitting it ...especially pain slut. For the time we were together I kept thinking of him as my "boyfriend". How very different a Dom is compared to a boyfriend. But I guess in my naivety that was just what worked for me. It really wasn't until after he had gone that I really realized what type of "relationship" we had. I mean I did know it all along but admitting it was something else all together.

And it wasn't until after the relationship ended, that I really embraced who I was.

With the other "experiments" I had during the time between FormerD & MyBatman ... there really wasn't too much I found appealing.

I kind of went thru a sub frenzy during that time.

The CSM helped me with a "tune up" when I was really needy. But I did not feel submissive to him at all.

MrD was nothing .. a small blip in my life.

PWP ... now maybe that could of had potential (by then I was already talking with MyBatman) but in all honesty ... he was 95% CLINGY, NEEDY boyfriend & 5% Dom. That 5% wasn't bad & I probably would have liked more of that but that 95% needy boyfriend was soooo NOT what I wanted at all. It was bad .. he would look over my shoulder while I was emailing or texting somebody .. "who's that?" .. fuck he even went thru my purse once. And really we were together what? A week maybe? I definitely did NOT feel submissive with him at all .. not even when we played. He just had an air of desperation about him that I could not live with.

So back to me ... by this time everything was still pretty black & white. I had been blogging & reading .. I joined fetlife & collarme. I was sure that yes I was a sub. I could never be a little or a pet or a service sub or any other kind of sub. Cut & dry.

And then there is MyBatman. We literally just winged it as we went. And once the Dom in him claimed me as His ... all molds were shattered.

With MyBatman, I just was. I was me .. bratty, sassy, crazy ol' me. And he was unlike anybody I have ever been with before. He brought out alot in me .. alot of things I never really knew existed. And he was so different from FormerD .. in all aspects.

Things were no longer cut & dry. I found myself wanting to be more than just a submissive (by order of definition that I had with FormerD).

I like to think that it was mutual. MyBatman had told me on more than one occasion that he too was going places he had never gone before .. I inspired him & I was his muse.

Together we explored new territory for both of us.

I always thought that I could never be a little ... From what I have seen (mostly on tumblr), DD/lg was just plain weird ... I could never act like a little girl .. talking in baby voice, and being all gaga for "Daddy" .. yet there were many times with MyBatman that I had strong urges to call him Daddy. Weird! Weird even just writing it right now. But a DaddyDom by it's very definition is someone who nurtures & encourages. This fits MyBatman to a T. I don't think even he realized this fact. But he was always all that & so much more. He called me his muse & said I was fearless but I could have never been those things without him, so really we just pinged off each other really well.

But a little ... me? No I could never see me acting like a childish silly "little" ... I say this just after spending 2 days sick in bed .. cuddling my Moopey (a big stuffie) and watching Disney movies. So yeah ... maybe there is a bit of little in me somewhere. It's all about how you see it, I guess. I could never be THAT kind of little but it is still there in some aspects.

Then there is the whole pet aspect of things. This too, is something I would have never thought of to become. Sure I like kittie ears (I won't say how many kittie hoodies I now own .. just say more than one), and I call myself kittie (cougar sometimes too). But to see that sort of play online .. I think no way. Yet, here we are again with MyBatman. He loved my collar .. I was to wear it at all times while I was in my house (except for sleep) .. and my cuffs too for that matter. And He loved to have me crawl on all fours and I even bought a water dish that I was to drink out of in the evenings. And a leash, and eventually, a tail & cage. With Him, again, this just came naturally to me. I liked doing these things for him. One of my biggest joys, would be to (virtually of course) ... curl up at his feet, while he works at his desk & have a "cat" nap. And for Him, I was always pet or kittie.

I don't know ... it was all so natural. Being these things that I always just swore were NOT me. And there was no coercion .. no asking, no demand, it just sorta grew as we went.

So who am I now ... a year in?

I am me ... just me. I cannot say that I am a little, nor can I say that I am a pet. I am submissive and I think that whoever I am with, can & will bring out certain aspects of who I am (apparently there are lots of different versions in there).

I cannot & would not submit to just anybody. I don't know .. it has to mean something. I guess what I am saying is .. chemistry & connection.

Keeping an open mind & an open heart is truly key to finding out who you are. I think I can be many things for different people. Hells, I would even switch if that was needed from me ... just minus the humiliation (verbal especially)  .. I will NEVER do that to anybody.

And of course one thing is for certain ... I WOULD NEVER BE A DOMME!

The Thing About Sir

I have spent my entire adult life with the military, 24 years as a solider/sailor (yes I was both) and the past 5 years as a civilian. "Sir" should be (and is for the most part), second nature to me. The problem with that is the matter of "respect"

In the military, officers are called Sir or Ma'am as a mark of respect. Respect for the rank or the "commission". Very rarely is that respect extended to the person wearing that rank. Sad fact is, most officers are a joke. Idiots. Arrogant fucks hardly deserving of such respect.

When it comes to BDSM and D/s, it's hard for me. I cannot just call anybody Sir ... it's like my military days .. it just doesn't mean anything. 

Most people are cool with that. I find that, the type of Doms I like & follow, ... do not want you to call them Sir or they at least respect the fact that you don't want to call them Sir. That you reserve the right to save it for your Dom or the Dom of your choosing (mythical in my case, of course :P  ) 

I have a friend that I email/text with regularly. When we first started to talk .. he said something to the effect ... You're pretty cool. I am not even too mad that you don't call me by my PROPER TITLE. 

HA!!! I disabused him of THAT notion pretty quickly and luckily he "understood" and we have since become good friend. 

Others, well, if they don't like it ... not my problem.

But still, there are a couple of Doms out there .. both on blogger & tumblr, that I do have mad respect for and I can't help but think of them as Sir. There are not many that I do hold above most others but there are a couple. I do not really talk to them so it's not an issue. I consider these Doms as almost gurus, high priests of Dom-dom almost.
And they will even say, "I am not your Dom, you do not have to address me as such" (said in the nicest way possible)
 MAD RESPECT.

When MyBatman laid down that "first order" as my Dom "I think maybe I want you to go upstairs ...." , my immediate reaction was 

O.O .. WOW! 

Yes Sir!!! 

There was no hesitation ... my mind just immediately went there. That had never happened before. The subbie in me just woke up & snapped to attention!!! (mind you there had been an incorrigible amount of flirting & innuendo between us, leading up to that moment) It was a defining moment. The first time (and only time) that I just went there. Sir just slipped out of my mouth, naturally (well out of my computer, technically) 

And now, being back in communication with FormerD, it posses an interesting dilemma for me (and probably the whole basis of this post). The night we had our long talk, he "laid down the law" 

"no more FormerD, little one. I have earned the respect & now expect it" 

I understand where he is coming from, I really do .. I get it. But I am finding it so hard. He is NOT my Dom anymore, & although I will gladly (hopefully) submit to him anytime (soon please), it is difficult to wrap my head around calling him Sir again. 

I don't mean any disrespect by it but I guess I am probably at my least submissive self right now. And it's hard to call somebody Sir who is not my Dom. Even MyBatman stopped being Sir the day he stopped being my Dom. 

SafeD says he has not "earned the title Sir" .. in referring to some ancient BDSM/Leather Community ritualistic protocol that I couldn't even begin to understand. The more I see him on our "coffee dates" the harder I find to picture him as this big bad sadist - OH, I KNOW it's there but until I get to see it .. it's just a big old blank. And I have no idea what I will be expected to call him either. Totally different experience being bottom to a top (or masochist to a sadist) versus a sub to a Dom.

And then there is Maverick. He has not come out & said call Me Sir .. but it is hanging in the air. I think he just expects it from everybody, he doesn't demand it but still he expects it. 

I  have done so tho, called him Sir ... a couple of times, but more because I didn't know what else to call him & there seems to warrant a name calling at the point in the particular conversation. 

 We have not exchanged names in our little "chats"  &  I usually avoid calling him anything. 

~~~~~

Just a note: 

I have used the term Sir here in this post because it is like the "universal symbol" of Dominants/  but you can easily switch it out to: Master, Boss, Daddy, or any other title of respect. It all amounts to the same thing in context with this post 

(And this concludes another rambling post of the wayward things my mind gets up to when it has too much time on it's hands)