Better this way????

It's been a week since I have heard from FormerD. This would not actually be unusual back in the day. His life is very full. He might still contact me ... or not.

Now that the dust has settled & the excitement of hearing from him has past, it is probably (logically) a good thing that I haven't heard from him. I am thinking that maybe he is feeling the same way.

It was very evident, talking with him last week that the chemistry that we shared is still very strong. And it was also very evident that he has missed invoking his Dominant nature. It has been said many times & in many different ways, that once you go down this path, it is very hard to turn back.

I had wanted to "talk" to FormerD for so long now. I wanted to show him everything that had happened since he had gone ... to show him the "monster" that he created :)   ... and to thank him. I figured it had been a year & I had been reflecting, so I wrote that email. I don't regret it in the least. I truly think that he had a right to now .. and it was kind of like closure, maybe. I never expected the reaction I got. I was very surprised & certainly not "unhappy" about it. 

He was very surprised to receive that email .. so random & out of the blue (I am bad for that). But he was happy for it though .. and happy for me .. "I saw it .. you always had it in you!"

I don't know if I would have the strength of heart to deny him, if we ever do "find the time" to get together and "chat". The chemistry is so strong. And we were so good together .. and that was me, not having embraced my submissiveness ... I can't even imagine what it would be like now! *sighs*

But I need more than he can give me and I know that he needs more than he can give. I have realized that I am very needy & selfish. I think at best he could only be my "part time Dom" and I would spend more time waiting for him then anything.

 It's a dangerous game ... to be with a married man. (I have done it before .. when I was young & stupid & vanilla). The potential for hurting other people is great. I don't want to be the cause of pain for anybody, ever. But, I have come to realize in the past year though, that when it comes to this lifestyle ... there is no judgement. A Dominant & a submissive have core needs that transcend the foundation of vanilla life. And if he needed (needs) me ... well, I don't think I would/could deny him.

I have often wondered if FormerD was happy in the constraints that he put himself in. I have honestly wished nothing but the best for him during these long months since he went back to his wife. I had hoped that he had found a happiness that he deserved and that he could live without TTWD. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe he had been just fine until my email and I re-opened that need. I hope I didn't do that. I didn't mean to.

I did ask him but he would only say "let's save it until we can talk in person" ... typical. He has such great distrust in the internet.

A really big part of me WANTS to have that chat ... but a really big part of me is terrified of it as well.

So yes, maybe just maybe ... things are better left the way they are.