Thank you so much for your email today. I was only 99.9% sure that you would respond back. ;)
And thank you for accepting my apology. Of course I accept yours as well.
It took every once of will power I had, NOT to respond to your email today .. I figured I would let you have the last word for a change. *giggles*
And really ... what would be the point.
I know you wish we could be friends. Gods knows, I miss just being able to talk to you, soooooo much. But we both know, it would never be enough .. not for you and certainly not for me.
There are just a few more things I need to say.
All that guilt that you felt, was because you spent every waking moment with me, and thinking about me, even when you were "away". Not because you were dividing your time, compartmentalizing or whatever you want to call it. It was because you wanted it that way ... just as I did. That connection ... so strong. You felt guilty because it was me that consumed you. ME! Nobody else & that is the real reason you felt so guilty. Just admit it, if only to yourself.
But I know it was all too much for you ... too overwhelming. Me & my crazy life. It would make anybody run for the hills. I do understand why you would not/COULD NOT, want to take that risk. I do not bring balance to the force. We were a supernova but we DID not fizzle out ... snuffed is the proper term & you know that as well! So much upheaval to your life!
It was too much to ask, to hope for, especially for somebody who has his life organized, ordered, settled, to expect to be able to accept the chaos that is me. My poor corporate shark ... I am a whirlwind to be sure, but I know that that was what you loved too & it scared the hell out of you!
But oh it would have been so good. I have seen it! I have dreamt it ... dreams so real, I could almost taste them ... see you, which is a feat in itself, my faceless Dom.
*sighs* It's what I regret most of all ... the "what could have been".
I do not blame you nor have I ever, not even at my angriest, or hurtiest points. I know that this decision hurt you as well. I know I have been very obstinate and I DO still mean absolutely everything I told you in September and I DO still KNOW that I am absolutely right as well. I don't know why I know or how I know .. I JUST KNOW!
Heh! This coming from the shy, and insecure girl that can't even look at herself in the mirror. You have changed me forever. I know what I know and I would fight til the death arguing it too. I have never been like this before. Not with anybody else ever. To be quite honest, it's been a little scary.. I don't know what to say. I guess you are just worth fighting for. *shrug* ... I don't really understand it other than than, I am just going by my instincts. And every instinct has screamed THIS IS WHAT'S right. *shrug*
I have never cried so much in my life. Weeks of crying, every day. I couldn't even masturbate for a long time, I was so tied to you and the first time I did ... I cried, but I took it back from you, I had to. I cried all Tuesday night. I cried today after your email .. and yes I am crying now. I know ... it's weird but I just can't help it. I don't know .. maybe I will always cry over you. But that's okay, I can live with that. :)
But enough.
Today .. I don't know what happened today. Maybe, just seeing your email was enough? I don't know. Something just clicked. Today, I am ready. Today, it's just time. And yes it's a good thing.
I will really try very hard, not to lurk on your blog anymore *smirk*. It has been very hard not to & will be very hard to fight the urge. It's been the only piece of you I had left. It has been hurtful to go there but so good to see that you are still out there, even though I do not like to see what has been happening.
I have to say here, that the post I made .. the one after the world series, I am sure that you know the one I am talking about, was not made to hurt you. It was my distress call. I see where you are going & want to scream NOOOOOOOOOO! But I cannot. It is so not who you are and I hate seeing you go down that path ... to end up like lil jo or Julie's husband David. That is NOT who you are. I appreciate & understand that it is a part of you, and on some levels you need it, but deep down, it is not who you are. And I hate seeing you turned into that. Not my wicked Dom, not my friend, not my geeky, baseball loving good little catholic boy. I have seen the REAL you! Please if nothing else don't let it completely change you. :(
.... so no more stalking .. I promise to try. That is the best I can do.
I am taking your words to heart. I am moving on. There is a really wonderful man, he has asked if I will be his Sub, and today, well today ... it's just time. I will send him here to my blog ... let him see the crazy & if he will still have me ...
And if not, there will be others. And that is good enough for me.
I will ALWAYS remember. I only have the one regret though. Even in my darkest hours, when I wanted to hate you, when I wished the hell I had never met you .. I did not regret. And yes I KNOW you do give a flying fuck!!! :D
I will leave you with this and a request.
http://youtu.be/Lv_BV-BRUso ... I am done denying it .. it just is what it is.
and please I would really like to have a picture. Call it my consolation prize. Won't you please send one .. you don't even have to say anything (probably better if you didn't). But please? For me?
Thank you for everything ... it's been my kind of crazy.
love,
your kittie
