I Don't Get It! (and don't like it much either)

Ok so, I have been back on tumblr for a couple of weeks & saw that the Wolf was back at it ... with a new "love of his life" "best thing that ever happened to him" (second one in 2 years)

... and I lurked, for most of those couple of weeks, watching what he posted & what she posted (so comical how much alike she & I are).

I knew I shouldn't .. just shove him in to the past & never look back (I have learned that I hold grudges & am not good at the whole forgive & forget thing) & so I finally did it on Sunday ... unfollowed his tumblr.

And it felt good. I didn't have to see his (or hers) shit come across my tumblr anymore. I liked it.

Then late last night .... He starts following me! WTF!?!?!?!?!?

WHY WHY WHY????

I mean when he dropped me .. he literally threw me to the curb & never looked back. Not a peep from him, was ever heard again (not even when 2 days after he dropped me, my Grandmother dies & I just really needed, at the very least, his condolences .. that he still cared even just a little bit). But nope, nadda, zilch!

I mean it's been well over 2 years. There are thousands of tumblrs out there with much better pages than mine. So why????

Oh I know I should block him (and I will) but that curious cat in me keeps saying "not yet. Let's see what he does next. We NEED our REVENGE (aka closure)"

*sighs*

But really ... I just don't understand why he would feel the need to do that.

Nowhere Man

"She's a real nowhere man
  Sitting in her nowhere land
  Making all her her nowhere plans
  For nobody"

Wow .. just a little over a year to the day since my last post. I honestly didn't really think I would be back but here I am.

Things went from bad to worse since then too. I stopped working a year ago on Valentine's Day ... my health issues just became too great. That has been a fun odyssey I can tell you. I applied for "long term disability" (2 years is long term apparently) .. I didn't get approved until the first of November. It got pretty bad ... on the 31st of October I had $27 to my name & utility companies (phone, hydro, gas etc etc) all ready to disconnect ... the next day I got paid! THANK THE MAKER! I went from $27 to +10 grand overnight ... so grateful for retroactive pay!

Just because that wasn't fun enough .. my Dad had heart surgery in May. The repairs to his heart went well but there were other complications from the surgery. He was in a coma for 10 days, ICU for 17 days, 21 days at the Heart Institute, 10 days at his local hospital, 10 days back at the heart institute (after his hospital fucked him up) and then back to local hospital for another 10 days before he was finally allowed to go home ... 2 months to the day after his surgery. I spent most of that time with my mother ... she was so afraid that "he wasn't gonna make it" .. I swear every time the phone rang at home that first week she screamed. He is still recovering slowly but surely. I doubt he will ever be "back to normal"

So yeah 2017 pretty much sucked big time. It's still too early for 2018. I am having issues with my liver & spleen that has my Dr sending to specialists up the ying yang ... hopefully it's nothing too serious, and he is pretty sure that Lupus is back in the mix. *sighs*

So really, I have definitely not dated or even looked. I haven't wanted to. After the Wolf & my Batman ... I had had enough anyway. I literally spent the past 18-24 months deciding that I have turned in to an IT .... no sexual desire, no romantical desire & certainly no submissive desire. I was just don't ... well & truly DONE.

Now ... well the physical desires are back (like within the past couple of weeks) but OMG I am so tired. I don't know if I can go thru any of this anymore. I can't keep giving & giving & giving only to keep being given the heave ho (heh, literally).

My body & my mind are screaming for somebody to come & love me but my heart is saying a big old FUCK YOU .. we are NOT going down that path again!

Scared and scarred ... that is me to a T.

I started going on tumblr again regularly. Of course the first things I see are from the Wolf .. he's already moved on from the one he dumped me for (who was vanilla I believe) to a new kitten *rolls eyes* .. I swear her tumblr page is a carbon copy of my own. Yes I know I shouldn't have looked but morbid curiosity & all that. It took everything in my power NOT to say anything to either of them. I finally unfollowed him though (seriously curiosity killed the cat & it was to the point that I HAD to look) & it feels so much better not to have to see his smug bullshit and her naive devotion. Of course after the fact, I realize that he is nothing but a user. In the past 4 years he has declared his undying love to 3 women. Obviously somebody does NOT know the meaning of the word love or as he likes to say to all of us that he has tossed aside "I am just not feeling it anymore, sorry". Or maybe it's me ... I am somebody who does not take the L word lightly! Don't say it unless you really fucking mean it!

Ok sorry rant over .. apparently I had to get that off my chest.

Anyway, where does this leave me? I do not know .... perpetually alone, perpetually horny (my wand is just not helping), yet unwilling and unable to let myself get hurt again.

It is very frustrating and I have nobody to really talk to about it ... so I find myself back here .. on old faithful. Nothing kinky or exciting to tell ... just more whining & bitching. I should change the name of my blog.

Well, thank you for listening blogoverse. I would like us to be friends again but baby steps ok?


xoxoxox

Nowhere Man.

To Blog or not to Blog??

I do miss blogging but really I have not had much to write about ...

So do I keep it going or just let it die?

My life has sucked for quite awhile now.

My Batman ... up & left. Things were happening in his personal life (with his woman) and I didn't hear from him for 2 months. When he did come back ... I was not mad per se but I was upset because due to the nature of our dynamic, I had no idea what was happening with him ..  he could literally die & I would never know it. So fear (but gratitude) made me guarded & short with my replies. And when I told him why .. how hard it was not knowing if I would ever hear from him .. boom, he left without a word .. or he died .. I don't know.  Oh well, not much i can do about it. But it's the last thing I would have think that he would do ... so not who he is.

I do miss him .. I always miss him but I am done chasing him (or anybody else down) ... I am done with all that. That was in November.

But my fibro ... has been kicking my ass so bad for months I cease to care much about anything anymore. I am so defeated by it at the moment. I have only managed to go to work a handful of times in the past 2 months. I am going to end up in the poor house before I get better. I have no support from my so-called medical team & I feel so alone.

I feel like I am literally trapped .. in my house, in my body. I have become an "it" & beyond caring about anything.

Top that off, 2 weeks ago I slipped on the ice on my walkway & busted my left wrist .. fun. So now I get to do everything one handed. Good excuse to not wear a bra though! ;)

But things are looking up (hopefully)

My Brat is coming home tomorrow!!! *happy dance* He has been studying in Germany for the past six months. We are in constant contact online but it's just not the same. He will bug me out of this fibro funk! And we have an addition .. he just celebrated his one year anniversary with his boyfriend .. my Bratty Cupcakes (he is a baker) and together they are my BratPack.

I impulsively sent my Batman an email the other night. I just wanted to let him know that how he left was hurtful & so unlike him .. but I also thanked him for coming back in to my life & for his friendship. Nobody makes me laugh like he can ... I am going to miss that most of all.

But it was closure. I wrote it .. I sent it & then I threw it away (figuratively) & I swear to Gods ... an hour later I got a message on fetlife from somebody I had talked to earlier in the ye. ar. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow night (if I am not too sick) .. and then yesterday ... 2 more messages came in. Both interesting fellows in their own rights.

I am not really looking for anything. To be honest, I have had the energy nor the desire to even consider going forward in any sort of relationship .. vanilla or otherwise. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I am learning (again) to be happy on my own. I don't want to be emotionally invested in anything or anybody outside my own circle of friends.

But I am not closing the door ... I am just taking it day by day, and see what happens. My first instinct was to say no to going for coffee with the first guy, not because of him but because of me & my mindset but I forced myself to say yes. He is a very nice man & shutting myself away is not going to do me any good.

Yeah .. so that is the latest update. I would like to say that I will keep it up but honestly .. who knows, I hope so .. I guess I will just have to take it day by day. ;)

I DO miss you, Blogland.

Why is that?

Why is it that when I (as a sub) am "horny" (really hate that word) & there is nobody around to take care of my needs .... do I not just want to masturbate but I want it all ... to be beaten (self inflicted but directed ouchies), plugged, clamped, stuffed with dildo to the hilt, gagged, bound AND then take my wand & go to town???? (and even then it's still not as much fun alone)

Why??? Anybody?

(yes myBatman is still around, just uber busy at the moment)

STAR WARS!!!!! (spoiler alert for those who have NOT seen the Force Awakens)

I have two Star Wars Questions!!! Yaaaay!

First from mc kitten

I'd like to know how your Star Wars trooping is going!

It's going really great. We have been so busy in the past year, we did well over 100 troops in 2015. I guess with all the hype from the Force Awakens made us even more sought after.

Me, personally, I did not do as much trooping as I would have liked. I did get to go to Star Wars Celebration (a SW only convention) in Anaheim last April. That was NUTS. But it seemed to me that I missed more troops then I went to. I am not really liking that trend. I don't know how much of that I could blame on my fibromyalgia or just laziness? I seem to be forever tired(exhausted)! The passion for trooping & all things Star Wars is still there, it's just a matter of getting my body to cooperate!

And from DelFonte

What did you think of the new Star Wars movie? 

Boy oh boy ... that's a loaded question! ha ha ... I will try to keep it brief (trust me I have had conversations on this for hours at a time).

I have seen the movie 6 times (I think it has finally left theatres now though - booooo).

The first time I saw it was at the premier. I did troop it of course. Funny story, none of my fellow troopers and I actually had tickets to go see the premier (long story there & a massive mix up), but we wouldn't miss trooping such an event anyway. But about 10 mins after the premier started the manager of the theatre rounded up 8 tickets for a lucky few of us. I was one of the "lucky" ones. So there were a couple of Jedi and a couple of stripped down (to their black underarm our ... think head to toe black spandex) ... all sitting in the front row. It was a very interesting way to view what we had all been so anxiously awaiting. We came in about 20 minutes into the movie & I do not recommend watching a 3D movie from the front row. It was a very interesting & very distorted viewing.

I can honestly say it is NOT my favourite of all the Star Wars movies. I intensely hated Kylo Ren at first ... he was quickly dubbed as EMO Ren. I thought his temper tantrums were silly. But after eventual viewings I kind of had made this back story for him. He obviously has Daddy issues ... and was too immature when he fell to the dark side. He has strength in the force but has not been properly trained & was left to run wild with it. I think he is probably relatively young as well.

All in all, it's a great movie. I absolutely LOVE Rey .. she had better turn out to be Luke's daughter or I will seriously be pissed.

I hate hate hate the whole idea of the "big weapon" .. totally unbelievable plot there.

Alot of people think it's just "A New Hope" revisited but I don't see it. Of course there is similarities but there kind of has to be ... they had to introduce new characters & incorporate what has already happened.

I love the whole "Where's Luke" vibe (think Where's Waldo)

The whole Poe/Finn being gay thing ... is (hopefully) just wishful thinking on the fans part. I really think Poe/Finn/Rey trio was really over hyped & contrived to match the Han/Luke/Leia trio. It didn't really work for me ... Poe was just not really a big enough character. I don't see the "connection" between Poe & Finn & really hope they do not try to force the whole "gay" thing just for the sake of doing the "whole gay thing" ... I thought Rey & Finn had tons of chemistry together. But then again Rey just about bonded with everybody she met.

Oh heavens ... I could ramble on for days ... I will spare you that! ;)

Suffice to say ... I did love it and am already counting down the days (and hiding from the countless rumors) to Ep  VIII

~~~~~

Thank you both for the questions!

Misty's Questions

From Misty


1. Has there been any more talk about switching? Have your feelings on the subject changed at all?

Good question!

There has been some more talking about "switch day" or as I like to call it "kittie appreciation day" but for the past couple of weeks MyBatman has been very busy & has been really ill with a nasty sinus infection. We haven't had much of a chance to play at all. He does really like the idea. It does excite us both. He thinks I would be a very evil Domme but no my feelings have not really changed on the subject. I will never like humiliation or feminizing of men. However, I am still most interested in visiting on Him some of the things He visits on me. He LOVES when I hurt myself for him BUT He does not "like pain" Himself. I am eager to do just a small fraction to Him that He does to me. He loves having me snap elastic bands on my thighs or boobs ..... so yeah, it will be a FUN day when switch day comes around.


2. If you could go on vacation anywhere where would it be?

Definitely my cottage. I have been to alot of interesting places in my career (Iceland, Norway, numerous islands in the Caribbean, to name but a few) ... but I have always come back to my cottage. There really is no place like home. Although ... winters on Maui would be divine!!! :D

3. If you could meet a celebrity (dead or alive) who would it be? 

Paul McCartney .. hands down,  Such a brilliant mind & talent. I did (last year) get to meet & acted like a total fan girl .. Mark Hamil .. twice! I have had a crush on him since 1977 so it was a definite bucket list moment.

Thanks so much for the questions Misty!!!!

Oooo!!! It's March Q&A time!

I had literally forgot about this.

I have been gone for too long!

So I am game if anybody has any questions ... shoot! :D